Recently I wrote a post called Hunger Games about my battle with weight. In it I spoke a lot about “I don’t know why I eat bad foods all the time”. It was basically a bit of a pitty party, me going “Wahh wah wah, I eat bad food all the time and I don’t know why”. Well today I would like to be honest with myself and with you. I know why I eat bad food all the time, I have known for a while. I know why I self sabotage myself at every opportunity. I have been pretending like I am the victim and I don’t know why this is happening to me but I feel like I need to be honest if I am ever going to stop this vicious cycle.
There are two parts to my weight problem, the physical and the mental. The physical part is that I now find myself addicted to sugar, salt and fat. I constantly crave these things. I now find myself so dependent on them that I have ridiculous mood swings and cravings if I don’t get my fix. The physical part will be a difficult battle but it is one I know I can win. The problem is there is no point in even starting that battle until I have conquered the mental part.
The mental part of my battle started a while ago. They say that people are motivated by 2 things, to gain pleasure or to avoid pain. All things we do are driven by 1 of these 2 things. In times where these 2 things conflict, which ever is the greatest desire will win out.
Well about 2 years ago I had my heart broken. It wasn’t the first time, but I sure as hell wasn’t used to it either. I was tired of turning into a complete mess. I was tired of watching my life crumble into pieces yet again. I was sick of feeling the worst pain I had ever felt in my life and promised myself I would never allow it to happen again.
The problem was, I knew myself and I knew I couldn’t be trusted. I loved falling in love. I loved hoping that this time was going to be my happily ever after. The hopeless romantic in me wasn’t going to go down without a fight. So my sub conscious quickly figured out a way around that. All of a sudden I grew this incredible hunger. I started craving things that I would never allow myself to eat before and I started eating them, by the truckload. Before I knew it my weight was going up and the amount of guys interested in me going down. The weight was keeping away the guys and therefore I would never have to feel the pain of heartbreak ever again.
For so long I wondered why I constantly self sabotaged everything I wanted by engaging in this unhealthy behavior. The happiness I was seeking to gain was constantly outweighed by the pain I was trying to avoid. It may seem completely crazy to some but I am sure there are a lot of people out there who can relate to what I am going through.
So what now? I’m not 100% sure. I’m hoping that by not only identifying the problem but also acknowledging it, that I have taken the first step towards winning this battle. If anyone else has been through something similar I would love to hear your story.
Over the past few months I have talked a bit about my battle with weight. Its been a life long battle and its one that I am currently fighting. Although I’m not obese or even big enough to be a biggest loser contestant, I’m not the weight I used to be and because of that I have felt uncomfortable. I didnt feel like me. I felt like me in a fat suit. It made me feel un-lovable, worthless, ashamed and depressed. I have let my weight stand in my way and hold me back from doing the things I want to do. Things that I would frequently think are:
- I don’t got out because I feel fat
- I don’t have a boyfriend because I feel fat
- I don’t have sex because I feel fat
- I don’t succeed at things because I feel fat
- I don’t feel confident because I feel fat
For a long time now I have been focusing on the last half of those statements “because I feel fat”. In my head, if I could somehow get rid of the fat then I would be able to do all of those things that I think I can’t do because of my weight. I don’t know what happened, but the other day I had a moment of absolute clarity. I realised that I can still do all of those things….. right now. There was nothing stoping me besides me. I just needed to stop focusing on the last half of the sentence and start focusing on the first half. It isn’t the fat that is holding me back. It is me that is holding me back with the “I don’t, I don’t, I don’t”. If I just ignore the last part of that sentence and focus on changing the don’ts to do’s its amazing the change that happens.
- I do go out
- I do have a boyfriend
- I do have sex
- I do succeed at things
- I do feel confident
The only thing holding me back is myself with my stupid excuse “because I feel fat”. I have come to realise that even if I lose weight and no longer “feel fat” there would still be in a “because” in that sentence and I’m fairly sure I would be able to replace the “I feel fat” with “because I feel ugly” “because I feel useless” or “because I feel unworthy” pretty easily.
So now is a the time for no more Dont’s and no more because’s. The only because I want to have is “Because I’m Awesome”! Its time to start feeding my body less and feeding my soul more. I kind of have a feeling that once I stop standing in the way of my own confidence, success and happiness that my weight will fall in line with the life I’m living anyway.
I wrote a blog today and it made me feel like shit. It was about my weight and about being set up wit a fat guy. I wasn’t really honest about how I feel about my weight and even worse, I was kind of mean about the other guy. I didn’t feel like I got anything off my chest, I didn’t feel like I wrote something other people could relate to. I just felt like I was being mean. In all honesty I think I was just deflecting my feelings about my own weight onto him.
For those of you that have been following my journey for a while now you will know that I started a series of videos on my YouTube channel called “coming out of the pantry” last year. It started off with me taking my shirt off on YouTube and then followed up a few weeks later with me talking about how I lost some weight. Then all of a sudden the videos stopped. Two things happened. 1, my computer crashed and I couldn’t make videos any more. 2, I gave up on the diet, gained all the weight back and pretended like the videos never even happened. To be honest, at times I have considered deleting them.
Then I started blogging strictly about gay issues and gay dating. For anyone who hasn’t been following my dating stories, my love life is less like a romantic comedy and more like a horror movie! Over the past few months I have had tragic date after tragic date, horror story after horror story. In recent blogs I have discovered that my pursuit of happiness is far more important than my pursuit of a relationship. I have also realized that pursuing a relationship is pointless unless I have found my own happiness first.
So today I realized that I had 2 choices. I can continue to avoid my problems, continue to make fun of weirdos I meet on grindr and make out like none of it is my fault. Or I can start a new path, one where I am more honest and upfront with all you guys, where I confront my issues instead of hiding from them and where I try to grow, learn and change in the pursuit of happiness.
I hope your all still interested in reading and if worst comes to worst I can always go back to tragic dating stories!
Its been a month now since I took my shirt off on the internet and showed the world my secret. For those of you who havn’t seen my first video you can check it out here
So for all of you who have been asking, here it is. Check out where I’m at now and where I’m heading.