If I had a choice

I wouldn’t choose this!

If I could choose my sexuality I would choose to be straight.

I mean sure, being gay does have its advantages. If your gay there is a higher chance of you committing suicide, there’s also higher rates of mental illness and drug addiction. If that’s not enough to make you choose to be gay we also have a much higher risk of contracting HIV, getting AIDS and dying! Awesome right?

If that’s not enough of a reason to choose to be gay here are some more awesome reasons to be gay:
You can get discriminated against, that’s right! Complete fucking strangers can hate you for no reason at all!
In most places, You can’t marry the person you love! No need to waste your money on an expensive wedding because YOU can’t have one!
You can’t have kids! Who wants a family anyway?
It is far harder for you to find a partner so instead of a fulfilling relationship, theres a higher chance that you get to spend the rest of your life alone! How exciting!

Anyone who thinks I chose this is a complete fucking idiot!!

I am who I am and I accept my sexuality 100% but this was never ever a choice. If I had a choice, I wouldn’t choose this.

Some Good Advice

On the weekend I went to my friend S’s house. We had a barbeque and were sitting around eating and drinking. S’s mum, who I have met a few times before was there. She’s a real no bullshit, straight down the line type of lady. I admire that about her. Anyway I was sitting there telling N my usual dialogue about how I hadn’t had sex in almost a year and and how hard it was to find a man. S’s mum cut in and said “You know what you need to do Ty…… Not care. You will alway’s find love when you arent looking for it”. I went to say “Oh I don’t care, Im not actually looking” but before I could she continued “And dont be one of these tossers who runs around going “I’m not looking, I’m not looking” because everyone can see through that shit. It will only happen when you are genuinely happy and genuinely aren’t looking”.

She had completely called me on my bullshit and she was absolutely right. At the start of the year I made a resolution to “rock the shit out of being single” but I wasnt accomplishing this at all. My attitude had changed and I was no longer moping about my singledom. Now I was constantly cracking jokes about it, about how I was going to die alone or how I was dead inside or how I was going to become a cat lady. Either way, moping about it or joking about it, I was still focusing on it!

I think most people can tell the difference between someone who is genuinely happy and someone who is pretending to be happy. I also think people who are genuinely happy are 10 times hotter….. I want to be 10 times hotter! So as of now I have a new focus. Instead of changing my relationship status to married, I want to change my life status to happy. I have a feeling the second one is far more important anyway.

Do I need to be needed?

Today I read a blog on a fellow bloggers page called “Why are you still single?”. It was written by a woman who I consider to be attractive, intelligent and independent. The story was that she kept meeting men who kept asking “Why are you still single?”. Eventually one of them turned around and said “I’ve figured it out, you don’t have any one because you don’t need anyone”. After consulting girlfriends they agreed men need to feel needed. There were so many good points in this blog but this point got me thinking.

Being a man myself I started to think “Do I need to be needed?” I thought back over all my past relationships and it was true for every single one. One of the main things all my past relationships had in common was I felt needed by the other person. In all the lists I have made or rules I have written about finding a partner this 1 key fact had never made it’s way on to the lists. How could I have missed something so simple?

When I think about it, it’s basically hard wired in to our DNA as men to be a provider for our families, partners and children. Since the birth of man, men have provided and women have nurtured. It’s only natural to want to provide for your partner and therefore be needed by them.

This got me thinking further though, how does this feeling of being needed transpire into gay relationships? I know everyone, men and women, want to feel needed but how does it work when both partners need to be needed in the exact same way? I know from experience that some of my relationships have been a constant wrestling match for who gets to be the provider in the relationship. I have, at times felt emasculated when I have had to back down and let someone provide for me. So how does a gay relationship come to a balance where both partners get to fulfil their role as “the man” and therefore fulfil their natural instinct of feeling needed?

I’d love to know your ideas. Let me know in the comments below!

If your in a relationship, you ain’t gonna like this!

The shitty part about new years resolutions is actually trying to keep them! I put a lot of thought into this years resolution and it’s one that I think is worthy of keeping. For those that havnt read my resolution yet, check it out here

Simply said, my resolution for this year is to rock the fucken shit out of being single! I wasted a good chunk of last year moping about being single. This year, no matter what my relationship status is, I’m going to embrace it.

I figured the starting point for this would be to change my attitude towards singledom. I thought a lot about it and 1 point just kept hitting me over and over again….

Smug happy couples! All y’all need to gets the fuck over y’allself. And y’all know shits serious when I gets on an angry black woman rant!!!

In all seriousness though, I have noticed that when you tell someone who is in a “happy” relationship that your single they give you this reaction. They stop and look at you like you got something on your face, and then say condescendingly “oh, don’t worry, you will find someone soon” like being single is some kind of disease or something.

Bitch, I don’t want your pity! I want your respect! I get out of bed every morning, I work hard, I do everything a couple has to do and I do it all myself. I also do it all without having anyone to bounce ideas off or talk to about it. I do it all without having anyone’s help. I do it all without being told that I am loved! Being single doesn’t make me weak, being single makes me strong!

Bring on 2012! I have a feeling this is gonna be my year!

New Years Eve

2012 is nearly upon us and as usual everyone is reflecting on their year so I thought I’d take the chance to reflect on mine.

A lot has happened this year, good and bad. I moved out of my house, went to night school, got dumped by the cowboy, closed down my business, finished school, landed an awesome job with a really good company, made new friends, moved house, lost my licence, watched my puppy become a dad (and kept on of the pups), and most importantly, started this blog.

It’s been a good year in some respects. The biggest thing to happen is I took a big jump in my career. I got out of a job that I absolutely hated and found a job that I love. The other great thing that has happened this year is this blog. The overwhelming response to it has blown me away. It got bigger than I had ever expected and I want to thank every single one of you for taking the time to read and comment and like and follow. You have all been a part of making my year great.

Part of reflecting also means looking at the bad and learning. So as we look over the past year, my love life has been a bit of a train wreck. Especially in recent months and while it makes great blog material, it’s not exactly fun for me. I became obsessed with the downfalls of being single and became desperate for a relationship.

As 2012 edges nearer it’s time to make the dreaded resolution, so here is mine.

In 2012 I will find a man. I will take care of this man. I will cook for him and clean for him. I will do everything right by him. I will go to the gym for him, I will eat healthy for him. I will always put him first. The man I want to find this year is me!

Here’s to a year of self discovery and empowerment! I hope you stay with me on this path and wish you all the best of luck with your own resolutions.

The Worst First Date

So after my failed date with Pluck I was more determined then ever to find me a husband. Somehow in my mind it had twisted from a simple search for someone to date into a soul consuming search for a husband. I guess it was a combination of one of my best friends getting engaged and me turning 27. In my mind I had always imagined I’d be married by 27, or at least engaged, or at least in a relationship, or at least have a glimmer of hope that I wasn’t going to die alone surrounded by 16 cats. So I became hell bent on my mission to find someone.

I jumped back on grindr the day after my birthday celebrations. Straight away I got a message from a new guy, Tradie. He was cute, smart, funny and nice. We liked all the same things and since I was a tradie for 8 years before my current role we had a lot in common. We started talking every day, all day. Txts from when I woke up in the morning til I went to sleep at night. I had never met a guy that I could talk to that much without getting bored. For the first time in a long time I really started to open up to someone. Things were looking brighter and maybe I wasn’t going to have to take that trip to the pet store to buy my first of many cats.

We were both sickeningly keen on each other and decided we would meet that weekend for drinks. The next day he informed me that his cousins girlfriend had a party on that night and that he wanted to bring me rather than cancel our date. I agreed but said we should meet beforehand just to make sure we liked each other and so it would be less awkward.

We decided to meet at 6 at a pub just outside the city. The same pub where the party would be later that night. As I was getting ready and going through my first date rituals I started to feel violently sick, like something was really wrong but I assured myself it was just the nerves because I hadn’t liked someone this much in a very long time. But I still couldn’t shake the feeling that something bad was going to happen.

On my way into the city I got a txt saying that he had been in a car accident and he was going to be late. I told him we could reschedule but he told me to just go to the pub and he would be there as soon as he could. I went and grabbed a beer and waited. He arrived shortly after. He was very cute and very fit. I was kind of shocked because I had said how unfit I was and he said he was unfit too. This wasn’t the case at all and I became very self conscious. A few beers fixed that though. We started talking and things didn’t really flow as well as when we texted. It was quite strained and he also brought up his ex a bit which is a massive red flag for me.

It came time to go to the party and I told him that it was fine for him to go to the party without me and that I didn’t want to impose. He reassured me it wouldn’t be that bad and that only a couple of his friends would be there. I figured I shouldn’t bail so early anyway.

We met the birthday girl and were told there was a bar tab and to go make use of it. We had already had far too many beers but went to the bar for more. While waiting to be served, his friends arrived. As they approached my heart sank. One of his friends was a midget drag queen that used to work in a nightclub that I worked in years ago when I was 21. A lot of crazy crazy things happened in that night club. Most of which, I’m not exactly proud of. I knew there were so many stories that the midget could tell Tradie, I was horrified! At our first chance I took him away and quickly explained the situation. He was sweet about it and kept asking if I was alright. I wasn’t but I tried to put on a brave face. I ducked off to the toilets and when I returned Tradie informed me that the midget had told him that we used to date! I was furious. I remembered that the midget had also spread that rumour back when we used to work together and that was why I hated him!

I tried to play it cool but I was full of beer and getting angrier by the second. I jumped straight onto Facebook and twitter and sent out an SOS! I got a few replies but a girl I went to school with was actually down stairs in the pub so I went down and met her. I had a drink with her but the entire time I couldn’t stop thinking about the awkward situation upstairs. After a drink I decided to head back up stairs and talk to Tradie. I don’t know if I had given the fat midget drag queen time to tell more stories or if Tradie was pissed that I had left for a bit or if something else happened but I got back to an icy reception. I didn’t know what was going on but it was pissing me off. I took Tradie outside and asked what was up? He told me that it was just all the stuff that midget had said and that he wanted to go home and sober up and think about it all.

I saw red! I told him if he had to think about that lying sack of shits lies then not to bother and stormed out of the pub. I was so furious! As I walked back to the train station I could feel myself getting angrier and angrier. I fired off a few abusive texts but it didn’t help at all. I was tired of living in this small town with a gay community so small that your past always catches up with you, and to make things worse I was being crucified for something I had never even done!

I woke up the next morning full of regret and confusion. How did things turn so bad so fast? Why would I be so childish as to send abusive texts. Why do I keep putting myself through this bullshit? Do I even want a boyfriend if this is the kind of shit I have to go through? I had a lot to think about.

The Good Guys

Over the years I’ve been on a lot of dates and met a lot of guys. By no means am I a slut or promiscuous, but I do enjoy dating (no sex, no not even a quick wristy). I like meeting new guys and in my years of gay dating I have met a lot of guys that are decent and attractive and have their shit together. They are nice and normal good guys.

The problem is at the end of a date with a good guy I’m always left thinking “this guy is good and I could have a perfectly good relationship with him, maybe even a good life with him. I could be with him and things would be nice and normal”

But what if I don’t want good? What if I want great? What if I want amazing? I’m constantly wondering should I settle for good or hold out for great? What do you think? What would you do? Does anyone else feel like this? Let me know in the comments below.