16 Months

*Warning – If you are related to me or don’t want to know intimate details of my sex life you should probably skip today’s post*

In previous posts I have spoken of my celibacy or ‘dry spell’. It has now been 16 months of me not having sex, a long time by anyone’s standards. It has probably been the longest dry spell I have had since I have been out. In the start it was by choice. After yet another failed relationship I decided I didn’t want to sleep with anyone else until I met “The One”. In the start it was kind of refreshing. I had a lot more spare time to do things I enjoyed. I never had to sit around starring at my phone thinking “Will he call?” “Maybe he didn’t like that thing I did with my tongue, maybe that’s why he isn’t calling, maybe I’m weird.” Best of all though, for the first time in a long time I could focus on making me happy, not trying to make someone else happy.

It had been a long time since I had focused on me and it was long overdue. You see, I came out at what I consider quite late, the ripe old age of 21. By this stage all my friends had been playing the dating game for a fair few years and now that I had all my shit sorted, I felt like I had some catching up to do. I had the older boyfriend, the rich boyfriend, the clingy boyfriend, the fuck buddy, the casual fuck, the threesome and way too many one night stands, all within my first year of coming out. You could say I made up for lost time. By the end of that year, I was lost, confused and broken hearted.

While I enjoyed exploring my sexuality, finding out what I do like and what I don’t like, it wasn’t me. It didn’t fit with who I was as a person. I was most definately the boyfriend type. I liked the snuggling in bed and the kissing and all the cute shit that came with having a boyfriend. So I started to settle down. I had the long distance boyfriend, the young boyfriend, the emotionally distant boyfriend, the young boyfriend again and then the cowboy. By the end of a pile of failed relationships I was the one left feeling like a failure. Which is when I decided the whole thing was just too damn hard and started my vow of celibacy.

In the past 16 months of putting a lot more effort into me, I’ve grown as a person. I’ve accomplished things in my career that I never thought possible, Ive made some of the best friends, I’ve built this blog, I’ve moved into my own home and started renovating it. I’ve made more progress in my life than ever before. But now that all the other areas of my life are coming together, I feel now more than ever that I am ready to end the “dry season”. My problem now is, I don’t feel like I’m quite ready for another relationship, and I’ve done the meaningless sex thing when I was younger and didn’t enjoy it. So what’s a man to do? Do I give casual sex another go (I might like it as an adult) Or do I just wait until I am ready for another relationship? Is there a happy medium that I am blissfully unaware of?

Should I be friends with my closeted ex boyfriend?

Dear Ty
I was recently in a relationship with a guy. We both really liked each other and hit it off really well. Everything was great until he broke up with me. He told me that deep down he wanted a wife and kids and was going to pursue that. We were each other’s first real relationship. He told me we could still be friends. So, we’re friends and he’s still wrestling with his sexuality. The big thing for him is he does not want to lose the acceptance and respect from his family if he lives out his sexuality. His parents do not accept him because of their beliefs. I want to live my life to the fullest as a gay man and have the relationship with another man that I have always dreamed of. What should I do?
 
Lesley
 
Hi Lesley,
 
Thanks for writing to me. I feel there are 2 main parts to this email. Being friends with your ex and dating a closet. Let me start with being friends with an ex.
 
I dont think being friends with an ex straight after you have broken up is ever a good idea for anyone. If you have really made a connection with someone, that doesnt disolve over night (no matter how much sometimes you wish it would). Once a connection has been made it takes time for those feelings and emotions to settle and sometimes it can take a very long time. Going into a friendship with all those feelings and emotions simmering away is a recipe for disaster. It usually alwasy ends up in fights and arguements and someone getting hurt. Dont get me wrong, some people can do it, but be very honest with yourself. If you are not one of those people who can easily shut down your feelings then friends after a break up is not a good idea.
 
Now the second problem you have here is dating someone in the closeted guy. This is extremely difficult because its something our straight counterparts dont have to deal with so it can be very hard at times to find good advice on the matter. My opinion is that unless you like being hurt or find being dumped for no reason fun, then you should never date a closeted guy. If someone is in the closet it is generally because they havent yet come to terms with who they are. They are in for a long rocky road of self discovery, and call me crazy but I dont think a rocky road is the best place to build the foundations of a relationship on. My best advice is to keep loving yourself and keep an eye out for someone who is ready and in the right mindset to start something. If it is really meant to be with this other guy then maybe once he has come to terms with his sexuallity and found who he is things will pan out for the two of you.
 
I hope that helped and rememeber if anyone ever has any questions don’t be afraid to email ty@ty-curious.com

The Bestie

Yesterday I mentioned that I recently had a friendship of 8 years fall apart. It happened a few weeks ago but it is something I felt like I couldnt really talk about until now. I came across a blog by Bee from SoAffected.com that I felt really related to my situation. So before reading todays story I’d recommend checking out yesterdays post first. If you are awesome and already read yesterdays post, then we are good to go.

Eight years ago I was a closeted gay boy desperately hanging on to any hope I had of being straight. It was a battle I was loosing but it was one that I was still fighting. One Friday night my mates and I went out to the same bar we would hit up every friday night to “get drunk and pick up chicks”. On this night my mate picked up this girl. We all ended up going back to a friends house to drink more beers and she tagged along. She ended up telling these ridiculous stories that had me in fits of laughter. This girl was absolutely crazy, she was mad, she was wild and I absolutely fucken loved it!

I couldnt get enough of her. We spent all our spare time together and eventually lived together. We were inseperable. Over the years we lived in different houses together, worked some of the same jobs and spent countless hours at each others jobs and houses when we werent doing the same thing. We would have our petty squables but would always make up as best friends do. Then one time in the middle of one of our petty squables she met someone, someone serious. When we made up I realised that this guy was a permanent fixture in her life. I was happy for her of course but at the same time I was gutted. I now had to share my friend with someone else, but even worse, I started to barely see her at all.

I tried to fill the void with a boyfriend. Actually a few different boyfriends. I didnt notice in the start, but by the third one I noticed a pattern emerging. As soon as I got a boyfriend the bestie would want to meet him and get to know him which I thought was wonderful. Then it would start. The ever so slight comments about how I could do better, about how I was just a little to good for this guy and eventually over the months it would gradually turn into her telling me what an absolute peice of shit my boyfriend is. Every time without fail this was the process.

Even though I started to see this pattern emerging, I decided to give the benefit of the doubt, she was my bestie after all. So it came to a point where I was done with relationships and decided I needed a break. Bestie was very happy with this. I however wasnt. Bestie still had the man, who was now a fianc’e and had less time for me than ever before. I made countless efforts but she was always too busy. I was cool with that. We are grown adults now and I could find other friends to spend time with. So I did. What happened next was very unexpected. Every time I met a new girlfriend that I liked spending time with, Bestie would swoop in and want to be best friends with her. She would then ring me up and tell me how much of a cunt they are and why I shouldnt be friends with them. She did it to K, R, L and finally S.

When she tried to do it to S I finally snapped. I couldnt do this any more. Anytime I found a boyfriend or friend that was a treat or “perceived threat” to our friendship the bestie would become enraged and start poisoning me against them. I’m sure bestie is doing all of this sub-conciously as I would hate to think she is the type of person who did those things purposefully, but I came to a point where I realised that if I was ever going to have any other healthy friendships or relationships it was going to be without her.

It’s crushing to close the door on an 8 year friendship but sometimes some people are best left in the past with fond memories than carried into your future to create bad ones.

Have you ever had a jealous friend? Was it hard to let go? Do you still have them in your life? How have you dealt with similar situations

Some Good Advice

On the weekend I went to my friend S’s house. We had a barbeque and were sitting around eating and drinking. S’s mum, who I have met a few times before was there. She’s a real no bullshit, straight down the line type of lady. I admire that about her. Anyway I was sitting there telling N my usual dialogue about how I hadn’t had sex in almost a year and and how hard it was to find a man. S’s mum cut in and said “You know what you need to do Ty…… Not care. You will alway’s find love when you arent looking for it”. I went to say “Oh I don’t care, Im not actually looking” but before I could she continued “And dont be one of these tossers who runs around going “I’m not looking, I’m not looking” because everyone can see through that shit. It will only happen when you are genuinely happy and genuinely aren’t looking”.

She had completely called me on my bullshit and she was absolutely right. At the start of the year I made a resolution to “rock the shit out of being single” but I wasnt accomplishing this at all. My attitude had changed and I was no longer moping about my singledom. Now I was constantly cracking jokes about it, about how I was going to die alone or how I was dead inside or how I was going to become a cat lady. Either way, moping about it or joking about it, I was still focusing on it!

I think most people can tell the difference between someone who is genuinely happy and someone who is pretending to be happy. I also think people who are genuinely happy are 10 times hotter….. I want to be 10 times hotter! So as of now I have a new focus. Instead of changing my relationship status to married, I want to change my life status to happy. I have a feeling the second one is far more important anyway.

If your in a relationship, you ain’t gonna like this!

The shitty part about new years resolutions is actually trying to keep them! I put a lot of thought into this years resolution and it’s one that I think is worthy of keeping. For those that havnt read my resolution yet, check it out here

Simply said, my resolution for this year is to rock the fucken shit out of being single! I wasted a good chunk of last year moping about being single. This year, no matter what my relationship status is, I’m going to embrace it.

I figured the starting point for this would be to change my attitude towards singledom. I thought a lot about it and 1 point just kept hitting me over and over again….

Smug happy couples! All y’all need to gets the fuck over y’allself. And y’all know shits serious when I gets on an angry black woman rant!!!

In all seriousness though, I have noticed that when you tell someone who is in a “happy” relationship that your single they give you this reaction. They stop and look at you like you got something on your face, and then say condescendingly “oh, don’t worry, you will find someone soon” like being single is some kind of disease or something.

Bitch, I don’t want your pity! I want your respect! I get out of bed every morning, I work hard, I do everything a couple has to do and I do it all myself. I also do it all without having anyone to bounce ideas off or talk to about it. I do it all without having anyone’s help. I do it all without being told that I am loved! Being single doesn’t make me weak, being single makes me strong!

Bring on 2012! I have a feeling this is gonna be my year!

Ty Mail

i Ty!

I ran across your blog and believe you may be able to help me figure out how to help my friend. He is in a relationship of over 9 years, but in the end of last year his partner moved across the country for work. He is still going to school and has 6 months left, at which time he  is “supposed” to move to be with his partner. Well everything was okay until last night. He confided in me that he has been “dating” another guy for the past 4 months. He has spent several nights over at his house and even went on a weekend trip with him. Now he thinks he is “falling” for the new guy, I also learned that apparently the past 3 or 4 years of the relationship with his partner has been less than great in more ways than one.

-Reece

 
Hi Reece!  
Thanks for the mail! Love hearing from blog buddies!
Wow! Sounds like your friend has gotten himself into a pretty dramatic situation. At the end of the day, somebody is going to get hurt, pretty badly, and the situation is probably going to get a whole lot worse before it gets any better. My first piece of advice is for you. #1 Dont get involved. Situations like this generally seem to spiral out of control and you don’t want to be caught up in the middle of it when it all blows up in someones face. # 2 Be supportive. It sounds like your friend is being a bit of a dick and making a few bad decisions, but, we all make bad decisions from time to time, its part of being human. Dont hold it against him, Let him make his mistakes and when it all falls apart be there for him when he really needs you. I think part of being a good friend is knowing when to call someone on their bullshit and knowing when to let it slide. This is one that I would let slide. Your friend already knows he’s doing the wrong thing (although he may not admit it) and calling him out on it will just cause friction between you and him. He obviously has a lesson to learn out of this, so let him learn it and be the awesome friend that you know you are when he needs it. You obviously need to do whatever feels right for you but that is what I would do. 
Hope its helped.
-Ty x
 
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