You know that Rolling Stones song You cant always get what you want….. “You cant always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need”. The song is running through my head because it pretty much sums up the experience I just had.
On the weekend I had a party at my place, it was a pretty rockin party if I do say so myself. It ended up being an all nighter and when the last of my friends left at 8 in the morning I was feeling very fragile. I climbed in to bed but was unable to sleep. I was so appreciative that I have such awesome friends and had such a good time but I couldnt shake the feeling that I just wanted someone to hold me while I was in such a fragile state. This also co-incided with my 1 year anniversary of no sex and with no sleep I wasnt exactly thinking the clearest. I decided that enough was enough, and I was going to end the no sex drought at any cost.
I thought about it and decided that if I was going to do this it should at least be with someone that I know. I messaged a friend of mine and asked him to come around. He ended up bailing which was probably a good thing. So I jumped straight back onto Grindr. I started messaging anyone that I thought was good looking. I became that dirty guy that trawls for sex on grindr (not exactly my proudest moment). I dont know weather it was bad luck, if I came across too keen, if I was saying the wrong things or if it was devine intervention! Whatever it was, I couldnt get anyone to come over to my place. I ended up going to sleep alone.
I woke up this morning and decided oh well, I already dropped my standards. I already became “That Guy”, the guy I always said I would never ever turn into. I felt defeated, I felt like all hope was lost and maybe this is what I should be from now on. I was reduced to being a sad internet sex trawler and even worse, I wasnt even good at it because I still couldnt even get sex!
Then this morning I was sitting in my office minding my own business. A few weeks ago, a new gay guy started at work. He’s older but he’s very good looking. We have crossed paths a couple of times but never really had a chance to chat. Then today he came up and knocked on my door, we started chatting and getting to know each other. What happened next was one of those moments that makes you think there has to be a greater power or destiny or something.
I guess as an older gay he felt like he needed to give me some advice and I’m glad he did. He turned to me and said “No matter what you do, don’t give up your morals, I know it’s hard but never give up hope because there are other good gay people out there”. It was exactly what I needed to hear at that moment. This weekend I didn’t get what I want, but today I got what I need.