You Can’t Always Get What You Want…….

You know that Rolling Stones song You cant always get what you want….. “You cant always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need”. The song is running through my head because it pretty much sums up the experience I just had.

On the weekend I had a party at my place, it was a pretty rockin party if I do say so myself. It ended up being an all nighter and when the last of my friends left at 8 in the morning I was feeling very fragile. I climbed in to bed but was unable to sleep. I was so appreciative that I have such awesome friends and had such a good time but I couldnt shake the feeling that I just wanted someone to hold me while I was in such a fragile state. This also co-incided with my 1 year anniversary of no sex and with no sleep I wasnt exactly thinking the clearest. I decided that enough was enough, and I was going to end the no sex drought at any cost.

I thought about it and decided that if I was going to do this it should at least be with someone that I know. I messaged a friend of mine and asked him to come around. He ended up bailing which was probably a good thing. So I jumped straight back onto Grindr. I started messaging anyone that I thought was good looking. I became that dirty guy that trawls for sex on grindr (not exactly my proudest moment). I dont know weather it was bad luck, if I came across too keen, if I was saying the wrong things or if it was devine intervention! Whatever it was, I couldnt get anyone to come over to my place. I ended up going to sleep alone.

I woke up this morning and decided oh well, I already dropped my standards. I already became “That Guy”, the guy I always said I would never ever turn into. I felt defeated, I felt like all hope was lost and maybe this is what I should be from now on. I was reduced to being a sad internet sex trawler and even worse, I wasnt even good at it because I still couldnt even get sex!

Then this morning I was sitting in my office minding my own business. A few weeks ago, a new gay guy started at work. He’s older but he’s very good looking. We have crossed paths a couple of times but never really had a chance to chat. Then today he came up and knocked on my door, we started chatting and getting to know each other. What happened next was one of those moments that makes you think there has to be a greater power or destiny or something.

I guess as an older gay he felt like he needed to give me some advice and I’m glad he did. He turned to me and said “No matter what you do, don’t give up your morals, I know it’s hard but never give up hope because there are other good gay people out there”. It was exactly what I needed to hear at that moment. This weekend I didn’t get what I want, but today I got what I need.

Do I need to be needed?

Today I read a blog on a fellow bloggers page called “Why are you still single?”. It was written by a woman who I consider to be attractive, intelligent and independent. The story was that she kept meeting men who kept asking “Why are you still single?”. Eventually one of them turned around and said “I’ve figured it out, you don’t have any one because you don’t need anyone”. After consulting girlfriends they agreed men need to feel needed. There were so many good points in this blog but this point got me thinking.

Being a man myself I started to think “Do I need to be needed?” I thought back over all my past relationships and it was true for every single one. One of the main things all my past relationships had in common was I felt needed by the other person. In all the lists I have made or rules I have written about finding a partner this 1 key fact had never made it’s way on to the lists. How could I have missed something so simple?

When I think about it, it’s basically hard wired in to our DNA as men to be a provider for our families, partners and children. Since the birth of man, men have provided and women have nurtured. It’s only natural to want to provide for your partner and therefore be needed by them.

This got me thinking further though, how does this feeling of being needed transpire into gay relationships? I know everyone, men and women, want to feel needed but how does it work when both partners need to be needed in the exact same way? I know from experience that some of my relationships have been a constant wrestling match for who gets to be the provider in the relationship. I have, at times felt emasculated when I have had to back down and let someone provide for me. So how does a gay relationship come to a balance where both partners get to fulfil their role as “the man” and therefore fulfil their natural instinct of feeling needed?

I’d love to know your ideas. Let me know in the comments below!