The GAYtest Story Ever Told Part 6

After loosing my virginity to a girl and feeling nothing I knew I was in some serious trouble. One of the biggest lines that I kept telling myself was that “As soon as I had sex with a girl everything would be ok”. I had done that and everything was not ok. Everything was terrible! I had tried everything and I couldn’t shake this stupid “Phase”. I had one last plan though and it was a big one.

I enrolled at the local college to become a bricklayer. In my mind if I could have some good male role models surely they would “set me straight”. If I spent all day every day with manly men surely it would rub off on me. Maybe it could increase my testosterone or something? It was a long shot but it was my last hope. I was determined to beat this thing at any cost.

At the college I made a few friends, one of them, T who is still one of my best mates today. It was good for me. I had to sit around and talk about beer and pussy and cars whether I liked it or not. After a few months there I moved onto my real test, my apprenticeship. If I could be one of the boys on the building site and fit in and work hard then surely that would beat the gay out of me. It had to.

About 6 months in to my apprenticeship I was on top of the world. I was a hard working man. I worked hard during the week, I went out with T and the boys on the weekends picking up chicks and I had even managed to start only watching straight porn. I had this thing beat! 6 long years but I had finally won my battle. I had cured my disease!

Everything was going great, I was finally living the life that I wanted to live. I had won. I had finally done what I had always wanted to do but I couldn’t shake this feeling. I couldn’t understand it. The feeling grew and grew and eventually I came to recognize that feeling. I was living a lie and the more I lived that lie the bigger that feeling grew. It grew into a depression and eventually grew into suicidal thoughts. That feeling took me to some very dark places but I wasn’t going to let it win. I had fought demons before, I wasn’t going to let this one get the better of me…..

Ty’s So Affected

Recently I had a friendship of 8 years fall apart. It was pretty brutal and got pretty nasty towards the end. Although it was definately overdue for that friendship to end, it still hurt like hell. It was one of the only things that I decided I wasnt going to talk about on Ty-Curious.com . I just felt like it was too fresh and wasn’t sure exactly where I stood about it. That was until I read this blog by Bee about the intricacies of a friendship between a gay man and his fag hag. So much of it related to the situation I have just been through that I decided that I had to share it. So without further ado please welcome my friend Bee from SoAffected.com with his post Hag Rivalry.

Friendship is a funny thing. To me, I believe you have to put as much effort into a friendship as you do with a relationship. It’s something that needs to be constantly worked at. But at the same time, it shouldn’t feel like work, and the rewards should be more than fulfilling.

Jealousy plays a part in relationships too, but in friendships it can be amplified. The friendship between a gay man and a woman is such a close bond and such a complimentary pairing. If another girl comes along that threatens the closeness or the “perceived closeness” of a friendship, then watch out, the knives come out!

Not to be one-sided, gay guys can be equally as hostile when their beloved hag (or fruit fly) develops a friendship with another gay guy. And as we know, girls and gay guys can both be bitchy as all hell when they want to be.

When you are younger, say in your late teens, I think you cling to the notion of having a “best friend,” someone that you actively promote to the world as being your absolute rock. It’s as if you want the whole world to know that you may be single, but you are definitely not alone because you have a special person who will always be there for you no matter what. Once you have found your best friend, there is a silent agreement between the two of you that, much like dating, you will be loyal and trustworthy and while you can have other friends, you can’t have other best friends.

As you grow older, however, you begin to realise that your life can be filled with the love and support of more than just one person. Sure, you can have some people that you are closer to than others. But personally, I have my little network of friends and the thing I love about them is that they are all completely different and bring completely different qualities to the friendship table.

I have two women in my life – and I love both of them unconditionally. I met one many years ago, and she was my first true faghag. Let’s call her Lily. Lily was literally one of the very first people I told that I was gay, and I know that no matter what happens and no matter how many petty squabbles, we will still always be there for each other. Speaking of petty squabbles, I met the second woman in my life, Hyacinth (who is my Fabulous Jae Elle), only a year and a half ago, during a time that I wasn’t speaking to Lily (due to a petty squabble). I wasn’t looking to replace Lily, but my bond with Hyacinth is truly special and I feel as if I have known her so much longer than I really have. My relationship with Hyacinth is what I would call needy HAHA. But good needy. We both have this abundance of love in our hearts and we have a very emotional relationship where we both share everything that just spills out of our hearts.

It wasn’t long because Lily re-entered my life, and all of a sudden she saw Hyacinth as a “replacement.” To some extent, it was true. Hyacinth had begun to fill the void that was missing during Lily’s absence. But Hyacinth was different. I missed Lily’s cheeky smile and personality just as much.

Although they both won’t admit it – there had always been a bit of a tension and rivalry between the pair. And I’m not going to name examples, but I often wanted to be all sleazy and be like “listen ladies, there is plenty of me to go around.” *wink*

Due to my amazing ability to manage and manuvoure around these kinds of situations, I have been able to get Lily and Hyacinth to attend a lot more events together. And you know what? When they both let their guards down they do actually get along! I am really glad they do. Because I love them both so much. And juggling friendships can be hard. When they are unified, I get to see them equally and there is so much stuff we can all do together.

As much as I hate to admit it, when either Lily or Hyacinth spend time with another gay guy, I feel like I flare up like a Siamese fighting fish. I get very defensive and wonder what they talk about, whether their bond is stronger than ours. I think to myself, is this new guy that she is hanging out with going to lead to me being pushed aside like an unwanted toy? I guess that’s the funny thing about human nature. Jealousy is a natural thing and as much as we don’t like to admit that we have jealous feelings, we have all experienced them at some point.

Discipline is the key though. I have learnt to control these silly feelings, because at the end of the day, I know that I am unique and let’s face it…can’t be replaced!

Do I need to be needed?

Today I read a blog on a fellow bloggers page called “Why are you still single?”. It was written by a woman who I consider to be attractive, intelligent and independent. The story was that she kept meeting men who kept asking “Why are you still single?”. Eventually one of them turned around and said “I’ve figured it out, you don’t have any one because you don’t need anyone”. After consulting girlfriends they agreed men need to feel needed. There were so many good points in this blog but this point got me thinking.

Being a man myself I started to think “Do I need to be needed?” I thought back over all my past relationships and it was true for every single one. One of the main things all my past relationships had in common was I felt needed by the other person. In all the lists I have made or rules I have written about finding a partner this 1 key fact had never made it’s way on to the lists. How could I have missed something so simple?

When I think about it, it’s basically hard wired in to our DNA as men to be a provider for our families, partners and children. Since the birth of man, men have provided and women have nurtured. It’s only natural to want to provide for your partner and therefore be needed by them.

This got me thinking further though, how does this feeling of being needed transpire into gay relationships? I know everyone, men and women, want to feel needed but how does it work when both partners need to be needed in the exact same way? I know from experience that some of my relationships have been a constant wrestling match for who gets to be the provider in the relationship. I have, at times felt emasculated when I have had to back down and let someone provide for me. So how does a gay relationship come to a balance where both partners get to fulfil their role as “the man” and therefore fulfil their natural instinct of feeling needed?

I’d love to know your ideas. Let me know in the comments below!