Recently I wrote a post called Hunger Games about my battle with weight. In it I spoke a lot about “I don’t know why I eat bad foods all the time”. It was basically a bit of a pitty party, me going “Wahh wah wah, I eat bad food all the time and I don’t know why”. Well today I would like to be honest with myself and with you. I know why I eat bad food all the time, I have known for a while. I know why I self sabotage myself at every opportunity. I have been pretending like I am the victim and I don’t know why this is happening to me but I feel like I need to be honest if I am ever going to stop this vicious cycle.
There are two parts to my weight problem, the physical and the mental. The physical part is that I now find myself addicted to sugar, salt and fat. I constantly crave these things. I now find myself so dependent on them that I have ridiculous mood swings and cravings if I don’t get my fix. The physical part will be a difficult battle but it is one I know I can win. The problem is there is no point in even starting that battle until I have conquered the mental part.
The mental part of my battle started a while ago. They say that people are motivated by 2 things, to gain pleasure or to avoid pain. All things we do are driven by 1 of these 2 things. In times where these 2 things conflict, which ever is the greatest desire will win out.
Well about 2 years ago I had my heart broken. It wasn’t the first time, but I sure as hell wasn’t used to it either. I was tired of turning into a complete mess. I was tired of watching my life crumble into pieces yet again. I was sick of feeling the worst pain I had ever felt in my life and promised myself I would never allow it to happen again.
The problem was, I knew myself and I knew I couldn’t be trusted. I loved falling in love. I loved hoping that this time was going to be my happily ever after. The hopeless romantic in me wasn’t going to go down without a fight. So my sub conscious quickly figured out a way around that. All of a sudden I grew this incredible hunger. I started craving things that I would never allow myself to eat before and I started eating them, by the truckload. Before I knew it my weight was going up and the amount of guys interested in me going down. The weight was keeping away the guys and therefore I would never have to feel the pain of heartbreak ever again.
For so long I wondered why I constantly self sabotaged everything I wanted by engaging in this unhealthy behavior. The happiness I was seeking to gain was constantly outweighed by the pain I was trying to avoid. It may seem completely crazy to some but I am sure there are a lot of people out there who can relate to what I am going through.
So what now? I’m not 100% sure. I’m hoping that by not only identifying the problem but also acknowledging it, that I have taken the first step towards winning this battle. If anyone else has been through something similar I would love to hear your story.
*Warning – today’s blog is quite graphic. If you have a weak stomach, are easily offended or are related to me then you probably shouldn’t read on*
I’m a big fan of Bareback porn. For those straight readers out there who arent quite sure what I am talking about, bareback porn is gay porn where the guys don’t use condoms. I think if I am going to practice the most ultimate form of safe sex – sitting by myself watching porn, then condoms don’t need to be involved. I don’t condone spreading diseases or anything and fully believe that the actors should go through a rigorous testing process to screen infection out and minimize the spread of things like HIV.
The problem is, a lot of guys don’t really think about the fact that these actors are going through these processes to minimize their risk of infection. Or even worse, watch one of the thousands of amateur videos out there of guys barebacking with absolutely no regard for their health. Having easy access to all these videos of guys having unprotected sex kind of desensitizes the whole situation. It makes it seem like having unprotected sex is no big deal and it’s something that heaps of guys just do.
What I find most disturbing is that the younger generation who were too young too take notice of the safe sex message that was heavily promoted in the early nineties, and who get no gay sex education in the schools, turn to the internet to learn more about their sexuallity. After seeing hundreds of videos of guys barebacking, they start to think that it is common practice and partake in behaviour that is actually putting their life at risk.
I, along with some of the readers of ty-curious.com who have written in, have noticed that there are a lot of young guys lately on things like grindr n manhunt who will straight out ask you to breed them. I read somewhere that the rate of infection of HIV in guys under 25 is the highest it has been in decades. One doctor speculated that it was due to a blaz’e attitude towards barebacking.
I watched a video a few weeks ago that started off with a warning saying something like “Both of these actors have been tested and know each others serostatus (HIV status) They only do scenes with each other. While our videos are bareback, we do not condone or promote risky sexual behaviour”. What do you think? Should bareback porn come with a health warning?
Over the past few months I have talked a bit about my battle with weight. Its been a life long battle and its one that I am currently fighting. Although I’m not obese or even big enough to be a biggest loser contestant, I’m not the weight I used to be and because of that I have felt uncomfortable. I didnt feel like me. I felt like me in a fat suit. It made me feel un-lovable, worthless, ashamed and depressed. I have let my weight stand in my way and hold me back from doing the things I want to do. Things that I would frequently think are:
- I don’t got out because I feel fat
- I don’t have a boyfriend because I feel fat
- I don’t have sex because I feel fat
- I don’t succeed at things because I feel fat
- I don’t feel confident because I feel fat
For a long time now I have been focusing on the last half of those statements “because I feel fat”. In my head, if I could somehow get rid of the fat then I would be able to do all of those things that I think I can’t do because of my weight. I don’t know what happened, but the other day I had a moment of absolute clarity. I realised that I can still do all of those things….. right now. There was nothing stoping me besides me. I just needed to stop focusing on the last half of the sentence and start focusing on the first half. It isn’t the fat that is holding me back. It is me that is holding me back with the “I don’t, I don’t, I don’t”. If I just ignore the last part of that sentence and focus on changing the don’ts to do’s its amazing the change that happens.
- I do go out
- I do have a boyfriend
- I do have sex
- I do succeed at things
- I do feel confident
The only thing holding me back is myself with my stupid excuse “because I feel fat”. I have come to realise that even if I lose weight and no longer “feel fat” there would still be in a “because” in that sentence and I’m fairly sure I would be able to replace the “I feel fat” with “because I feel ugly” “because I feel useless” or “because I feel unworthy” pretty easily.
So now is a the time for no more Dont’s and no more because’s. The only because I want to have is “Because I’m Awesome”! Its time to start feeding my body less and feeding my soul more. I kind of have a feeling that once I stop standing in the way of my own confidence, success and happiness that my weight will fall in line with the life I’m living anyway.
Its been a month now since I took my shirt off on the internet and showed the world my secret. For those of you who havn’t seen my first video you can check it out here
So for all of you who have been asking, here it is. Check out where I’m at now and where I’m heading.