I wrote a blog today and it made me feel like shit. It was about my weight and about being set up wit a fat guy. I wasn’t really honest about how I feel about my weight and even worse, I was kind of mean about the other guy. I didn’t feel like I got anything off my chest, I didn’t feel like I wrote something other people could relate to. I just felt like I was being mean. In all honesty I think I was just deflecting my feelings about my own weight onto him.
For those of you that have been following my journey for a while now you will know that I started a series of videos on my YouTube channel called “coming out of the pantry” last year. It started off with me taking my shirt off on YouTube and then followed up a few weeks later with me talking about how I lost some weight. Then all of a sudden the videos stopped. Two things happened. 1, my computer crashed and I couldn’t make videos any more. 2, I gave up on the diet, gained all the weight back and pretended like the videos never even happened. To be honest, at times I have considered deleting them.
Then I started blogging strictly about gay issues and gay dating. For anyone who hasn’t been following my dating stories, my love life is less like a romantic comedy and more like a horror movie! Over the past few months I have had tragic date after tragic date, horror story after horror story. In recent blogs I have discovered that my pursuit of happiness is far more important than my pursuit of a relationship. I have also realized that pursuing a relationship is pointless unless I have found my own happiness first.
So today I realized that I had 2 choices. I can continue to avoid my problems, continue to make fun of weirdos I meet on grindr and make out like none of it is my fault. Or I can start a new path, one where I am more honest and upfront with all you guys, where I confront my issues instead of hiding from them and where I try to grow, learn and change in the pursuit of happiness.
I hope your all still interested in reading and if worst comes to worst I can always go back to tragic dating stories!
On the weekend I went to my friend S’s house. We had a barbeque and were sitting around eating and drinking. S’s mum, who I have met a few times before was there. She’s a real no bullshit, straight down the line type of lady. I admire that about her. Anyway I was sitting there telling N my usual dialogue about how I hadn’t had sex in almost a year and and how hard it was to find a man. S’s mum cut in and said “You know what you need to do Ty…… Not care. You will alway’s find love when you arent looking for it”. I went to say “Oh I don’t care, Im not actually looking” but before I could she continued “And dont be one of these tossers who runs around going “I’m not looking, I’m not looking” because everyone can see through that shit. It will only happen when you are genuinely happy and genuinely aren’t looking”.
She had completely called me on my bullshit and she was absolutely right. At the start of the year I made a resolution to “rock the shit out of being single” but I wasnt accomplishing this at all. My attitude had changed and I was no longer moping about my singledom. Now I was constantly cracking jokes about it, about how I was going to die alone or how I was dead inside or how I was going to become a cat lady. Either way, moping about it or joking about it, I was still focusing on it!
I think most people can tell the difference between someone who is genuinely happy and someone who is pretending to be happy. I also think people who are genuinely happy are 10 times hotter….. I want to be 10 times hotter! So as of now I have a new focus. Instead of changing my relationship status to married, I want to change my life status to happy. I have a feeling the second one is far more important anyway.
The past week and the next couple of weeks, have been and are going to be pretty hectic for me. It’s a time where everything is coming to fruition. At the end of 2010 I woke up, very unhappy with every aspect of my life. I hated my job, my relationship, my living arrangements, my body, my financial situation and everything else about my life. I was becoming a bitter twisted person and even worse, life was breaking me. Things became so bad that I would get home from work, lock myself in the shower and cry while the water ran to disguise my moans of misery. I would quickly wash the tears off my face and return to the life that I hated with a blank face to hide all the anger, hurt and disappointment I felt inside.
I needed a plan, I needed an out, I needed a fix, I needed anything. I leaped into action. I leased out my house, moved back home, signed up for night school and started heading in a whole new direction. By the middle of the year I had a new career with a great company and an incredible future. A few months later I moved in with a friend of mine and no longer had to live at home. Now the time has come where the lease is up, it’s time for my tenant to leave and for me to move back into my own home. It’s been a crazy year and the final pieces of the plan are coming together. It’s amazing to think that in a little over a year I have turned all those things around. I’m not saying that my life is now perfect or anything but I can at least say now that I am happy most of the time which is a lot more than I could say a year ago.
Looking back at how much I accomplished in this past year makes me wonder how much I can accomplish in the upcoming year. Last year there was a major focus on career, making as many changes as possible and finding myself. This year some of the things I would like to focus on are fitness, finances, finding happiness in the simple things, spending more time with people who make me smile and less time with people who don’t. Is there anything I have missed? What are some of your goals this year?
So I had a blog all planned out and ready to go for today and then I saw this video. It blew me away. Its far more important that you watch this than read my blog. If you havn’t already seen it make sure you check it out. It’s the most amazing video I have seen in a long time. Makes me proud to be an Aussie but the message is true world wide.
What do you think? Do you love this video as much as I do?
The other day I took some time off work to go visit my mum in hospital. I had to get off the train in the city to get a connecting train and thought I would stop and get some lunch. After walking around for what seemed like forever, trying to find something that was healthy, that I didn’t have to queue for half an hour and that accepted eftpos, I finally got my lunch and sat down in the piazza. Half way through my lunch I heard a giant boom box and wondered what it was. When I finished eating I headed straight over to see what was going on. There was a crowd of people and in the middle was a mime. He was so entertaining I ended up staying and watching for 45 minutes. I caught a bit of his performance on my phone.
This video didn’t really capture how amazing he was, I wish I had filmed more. He had the whole audience captivated, myself included. There was not one point throughout his whole performace where I thought I should get on my way or leave.
The thing that made this guy amazing though was, not only did he entertain me but left me with an awesome message. At the end of his performance he said “This isnt my hobby, this is my job. I used to work in a bank and make people sad, now I work in the street and I make people happy”. Now Im not saying anyone should quit their job, but if this guy can dedicate his life to making people happy, Im sure I could spare 5 or 10 minutes a day to make others happy. Imagine if we all did it!