The regular readers of ty-curious.com will know that I havent had sex in over a year. After my relationship with the cowboy ended the last thing on my mind was sex. After a while I just got used to going without it. After even longer I felt revirginised and felt I should hold out til Mr Right came along. These days I dont even know why I am not doing it, maybe its a form of self torture, maybe its nerves, maybe I have over hyped it. I think the majority of my reason is that I am not 100% comfotable with my body at the moment, and its been so long that I’m kinda scared to get naked in front of someone, especially a stranger. I know I’m not disgusting or anything but I also know that my body is not at the point where I feel comfortable showing it off.
Whatever it is, when I’m chatting to guys I let them know pretty early on in the show that I havent been with anyone in a long time. I think it gives a good indicator of where I’m at and that they have 0% chance of hooking up if that is all they are looking for. The strange thing is that lately I have had a few weird reactions. A couple of guys have turned and said “Im a total slut compared to you” “You make me look like a whore” “Ok Mother Theresa”. They seem to take offense at my choice to not hook up, as if my choices reflect badly on them because they do. I in no way think that sleeping around is a bad thing. I totally get it, hey sometimes I even want to do it too. But I know myself well enough to know that right now that is not what I want. Maybe one day that will change, maybe one day soon. Until that day though I am going to stand strong and do what I beleive is best for me.
The thing that has got me thinking is that I’m a 27 year old grown ass man, I like to think that I know myself pretty well and that I have a decent amount of self confidence. That being said, even I am feeling the pressure to “join the darkside” to be like everyone else on grindr and manhunt. I can’t begin to imagine what it is like for young guys coming out onto the gay dating scene. What do you think? Are guys against celibacy? Is there a certain level of pressure to “be like everyone else” on these sites?
If you are a regular reader of ty-curious.com you will know that I dont have the best luck in the dating department. Its left me starting to wonder…. Am I earning Bad Dating Karma?
Now I’m going to get all hippie on your ass today but imagine the world is made of Karma or Energy or Vibes or whatever you feel most comfortable calling it. Im putting out a lot of bad vibes on a daily basis, its only natural that they come back to bite me!
An average day on Grindr or any other dating site for me goes as follows. I jump on and get a few messages, most of which I ignore. Im already putting out bad vibes because even though I am not doing anything, the guys who I ignore feel bad and therefore I have created someone to feel bad or in other words, have created some bad energy. I justify that its okay for me to do this because there is just not enough hours in the day to sit down and explain to every single person who messages me why I am not interested, and I would also feel that even with an explaination they are going to feel hurt anyway. So I feel like just by being on grindr I am already creating bad karma for myself.
It gets worse though. There are the guys who ask me for sex, say something completely inappropriate or even worse, send me some disgusting picture. If they catch me at the wrong time I will give them a spray or at least be a little rude to them and before I know it I have used more of my energy being negative and sent out more bad vibes.
Then there are the guys I actually talk to or meet. 9 times out of 10 it doesnt go anywhere and at some point I feel as though I need to start distancing from them or let them know that its not going to happen. Either way, they generally get upset and I feel like im chucking a few more dollars in the karmic piggy bank.
I, like many gay men feel that being on these sorts of sites is the only way I’m ever going to find someone. Or it at least keeps me connected with the gay community while living in a world full of straight people. It does have its good points but Im starting to think, Is being on these things doing more harm than good? Is it forcing me into situations that are bringing out the worst in me? Is it a help or a hinderance?
What do you think? Are grindr and other dating sites just toxic? Or is there a way I can still participate without clocking up a massive karmic dating debt?
Well the past 12 hours have been eventful to say the least. After my last post “Stereotype” was posted the grindr guy who I was talking about in it, read it. Although I don’t think I said anything nasty or horrible about him and that I explained the situation fairly, he didnt feel the same way.
While sitting in my office working I glanced over at my phone and saw I had a text. I tapped on it and what appeared on the screen was the longest text message I have seen in my life. I have had bad break ups with partners of years and received long ranty abusive messages but what I received today beat those by a long shot. There was accusations that I wasn’t the person I portray myself to be as Ty Curious, threats to out me for who I “really am” and abusive language. One of the scariest parts was that he says he has screen shots of every single conversation we have ever had, I dont know about you but at this point I’m starting to get visions of Fatal Attraction and Single White Female. It all wrapped up in telling me how I should be less judgemental, how I could improve my life and be more like him and just generally giving me advice on how to change.
Well, When I want to be a 30 year old pot smoking loser who is far too needy I’ll be sure to re read that text message and take the advice on board. But until then I think I’ll stick to what I did which was buy an app which blocks any future messages or calls coming through from that number. Best 99 cents I ever spent! An investment that I’m sure I will need to use again in the future if I continue to use grindr.
It’s scary to think the kind of people you open yourself up to on these kind of apps and dating sites. It makes sense that after rejection upon rejection that even perfectly normal guys are going to turn a bit weird. This guy may be perfectly normal and maybe I was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. Maybe hes a star chaser and knew that if he kept pushing my buttons enough he would get his very own blog written about him. Maybe he just never grew up and accepted that sometimes some people just dont like you and dont want to be your friend no matter how hard you force it. Whatever it is, I dont really care.
At this point you may all be thinking that I’m being quite heartless to this guy. Many of you would know me as a bit of a softy and a romantic and have never really seen this side of me. It’s not a side that I’m proud of or that I think anyone should encourage but after years of dealing with dating sites you start to develop a pretty tough skin to this sort of thing. It’s only natural that people react badly when they feel rejected and unfortunately if your the one doing the rejecting your quite often the target of their rage. You tend to get over feeling bad for them pretty damn fast. So in reply to stalker boys claim of “I’m not who I portray myself to be as Ty Curious”, your right! Sometimes I just dont give a fuck! Sometimes I’m mean and sometimes I’m rude. I dont always do the right thing and there are sides to my personality that aren’t very nice. But I think at the end of the day, every single person I know would class me as a good person. Even most of the readers of this blog would have a pretty similar opinion of me.
And to prove Im not a total asshole, Stalker Boy if you are reading this too, I give you right of reply. You can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with your version of events and I will post them for all the world to see.
I recently took part in Davey Wavey’s 3 Day no Grindr challenge. For those of you who don’t know who Davey Wavey is make sure you check him out here. Hes basically the Michael Jordan of gay blogging…. If Michael Jordan was a shirtless gay man….. You know what I mean.
Anyway in the video Davey and his friend challenge gay men to not use grindr for 3 whole days. It sounds ridiculous that you couldn’t go 3 days without using a gay dating app but it was actually difficult. The app is extremely addictive and comes in handy quite often. Spot a hottie on the bus? Just pull out grindr and see if that hottie is on the list of gay gauys in your proximity. Feeling a bit down? Jump on grindr and within minutes have messages from guys telling you how hot you are and all the things they want to do to you (even though sometimes you end up wishing they didn’t…. its still a boost to the old ego).
About a day after watching the video my grindr subscription ran out and I decided it was as good excuse as any to take on the challenge. I ended up passing the 3 days and going without it for a bit over a week. I just subscribed again last night. It was a good experience overall. I found because I wasnt wasting my time chatting to guys I had more spare time and got more done. It made me realise that I didn’t need some random guy to tell me I was hot to keep my self esteem up. Best of all it gave me time to think about what I was doing on there in the first place. It’s easy, with the sea of guys on there, get caught up in all the compliments and lost in all the offers for hook ups. Having time away from it gave me time to reprioritise what I wanted out of grindr so now when I do use it I can focus on looking for what I want and spend less time getting caught up in all the shit.
If your a single gay man I would definately suggest this challenge. If your not a grindr fan or not even a gay man, still make sure you check out Davey Waveys blog. There is plenty of stuff there for everyone, not just the homos!
The other day I wrote a blog about being gay and it not being a choice. In there I wrote about how it is harder to find a partner. Some idiot decided to tell me that it’s not harder. So today I’m here to prove them wrong. With maths! Exciting right?…. Ok just stick with me.
Let’s say the entire population is 100%. 50% male, 50% female. I’m already down to 50%. Most study’s agree that between 2 and 3 percent of males are gay. So that makes 1.5% of the population gay males.
Let’s say I agreed to date anywhere from 7 years younger than me to 7 years older. That’s 17% of the population. So now gay males in my age bracket are 0.08%.
I, like most people don’t find every single person attractive. So let’s factor in some standards. Let’s say I find 1 in 10 people attractive (which I don’t think is high standards by any means) that’s 10% of the population. So, gay men in my age bracket that I would be attracted to are 0.008% of the population.
But we all know not everyone out there is completely normal. There are liars, cheats and deadbeats. There are guys with too much baggage and guys that are just down right crazy. I’m going to be kind at this point and say 25% would fall into this category (if you have ever been on grindr you will know its a lot higher than that). So we are now down to 0.006%
You may have 0.006% to like but not everyone is going to like you back. Depending on how you look, how much baggage you have and how well you hide your own crazy you could have anywhere for 1% to 99% of guy like you back. For the sake of completing this article, I would say if half the dates you went on the guy liked you back then you are doing pretty well. So let’s go with half which makes it 0.003%
So unless you date someone a lot older or a lot younger, date someone you don’t find attractive, date someone who is crazy or try to pursue something thats one sided, You have 0.003% chance of meeting someone.
So next time someone gets up in your grill about who your dating, your lack of dating or anything to do with your love life tell them to BACK THE FUCK OFF, because I think whatever you are doing, you are doing the best with the 0.003% you were given.
You know that Rolling Stones song You cant always get what you want….. “You cant always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need”. The song is running through my head because it pretty much sums up the experience I just had.
On the weekend I had a party at my place, it was a pretty rockin party if I do say so myself. It ended up being an all nighter and when the last of my friends left at 8 in the morning I was feeling very fragile. I climbed in to bed but was unable to sleep. I was so appreciative that I have such awesome friends and had such a good time but I couldnt shake the feeling that I just wanted someone to hold me while I was in such a fragile state. This also co-incided with my 1 year anniversary of no sex and with no sleep I wasnt exactly thinking the clearest. I decided that enough was enough, and I was going to end the no sex drought at any cost.
I thought about it and decided that if I was going to do this it should at least be with someone that I know. I messaged a friend of mine and asked him to come around. He ended up bailing which was probably a good thing. So I jumped straight back onto Grindr. I started messaging anyone that I thought was good looking. I became that dirty guy that trawls for sex on grindr (not exactly my proudest moment). I dont know weather it was bad luck, if I came across too keen, if I was saying the wrong things or if it was devine intervention! Whatever it was, I couldnt get anyone to come over to my place. I ended up going to sleep alone.
I woke up this morning and decided oh well, I already dropped my standards. I already became “That Guy”, the guy I always said I would never ever turn into. I felt defeated, I felt like all hope was lost and maybe this is what I should be from now on. I was reduced to being a sad internet sex trawler and even worse, I wasnt even good at it because I still couldnt even get sex!
Then this morning I was sitting in my office minding my own business. A few weeks ago, a new gay guy started at work. He’s older but he’s very good looking. We have crossed paths a couple of times but never really had a chance to chat. Then today he came up and knocked on my door, we started chatting and getting to know each other. What happened next was one of those moments that makes you think there has to be a greater power or destiny or something.
I guess as an older gay he felt like he needed to give me some advice and I’m glad he did. He turned to me and said “No matter what you do, don’t give up your morals, I know it’s hard but never give up hope because there are other good gay people out there”. It was exactly what I needed to hear at that moment. This weekend I didn’t get what I want, but today I got what I need.
I wrote a blog today and it made me feel like shit. It was about my weight and about being set up wit a fat guy. I wasn’t really honest about how I feel about my weight and even worse, I was kind of mean about the other guy. I didn’t feel like I got anything off my chest, I didn’t feel like I wrote something other people could relate to. I just felt like I was being mean. In all honesty I think I was just deflecting my feelings about my own weight onto him.
For those of you that have been following my journey for a while now you will know that I started a series of videos on my YouTube channel called “coming out of the pantry” last year. It started off with me taking my shirt off on YouTube and then followed up a few weeks later with me talking about how I lost some weight. Then all of a sudden the videos stopped. Two things happened. 1, my computer crashed and I couldn’t make videos any more. 2, I gave up on the diet, gained all the weight back and pretended like the videos never even happened. To be honest, at times I have considered deleting them.
Then I started blogging strictly about gay issues and gay dating. For anyone who hasn’t been following my dating stories, my love life is less like a romantic comedy and more like a horror movie! Over the past few months I have had tragic date after tragic date, horror story after horror story. In recent blogs I have discovered that my pursuit of happiness is far more important than my pursuit of a relationship. I have also realized that pursuing a relationship is pointless unless I have found my own happiness first.
So today I realized that I had 2 choices. I can continue to avoid my problems, continue to make fun of weirdos I meet on grindr and make out like none of it is my fault. Or I can start a new path, one where I am more honest and upfront with all you guys, where I confront my issues instead of hiding from them and where I try to grow, learn and change in the pursuit of happiness.
I hope your all still interested in reading and if worst comes to worst I can always go back to tragic dating stories!