Regular readers of ty-curious.com you would have heard me mention the cowboy on a few occaisions. He was my last serious relationship. Things busted up between us about 14 months ago on fairly amicable terms but we both deleted each other from facebook.
When I first met the cowboy he laid down the law that if we wanted to be together there would be no going to go gay clubs or gay pubs and no hanging out in gay places or with gay people. At the time I had had my fill of the scene as was growing more and more tired of it. I also looked back at other relationships and realised how much other gay dudes had meddled in my relationships and made things far harder than they had to be, so I agreed to these terms. As time went on there was also a facebook clause added to the rules. I was asked to delete all gay people from my facebook, regardless of wheather they were friends or not. Eventually I reluctantly agreed.
Although I didnt want to completely cut myself off from all other gay people, I could see his point. If my past was anything to go by, being a gay couple and mingling with other gay guys was a constant source of jealousy and fighting which most of the time was spawned over nothing at all. He encouraged me to leave the gay world behind me and rejoin the real world. I appreciated it massively. It was one of the healthiest relationships I have ever had, no dramas, no complications just simple and easy. I learnt a lot from it and because of that I earned giant respect for the cowboy.
The problem was that when we broke up I was left alone, completely cut off from the gay world. I had deleted all my gay friends from facebook, I was unsure if I even had their phone numbers still. I could try re-adding them but would they want to accept after I deleted them for no reason? Would they want to talk to me after I cut them off for 6 months. I couldnt go out and meet new gay people because I had no one to go with. I was stuck and isolated. I have struggled to make new gay friends or reconnect old gay friendships and still feel very isolated. Luckily though, I have some pretty amazing straight people in my life that keep me going.
So last night I was cruising through facebook and the cowboys name popped up on a friend of a friends status. I couldnt help myself, I had to have a bit of a stalk. I was absolutely shocked. He had so many gay friends and all his statuses were about going out to the gay pub every weekend. I was stunned. I know people grow and change, and it had been over a year but, he had turned into the complete opposite person of the guy I used to know. I became enraged. He forced me out of that world and spent hours convincing me how bad it was for me and how I shouldnt be a part of it. It now seems that the second we broke up he just jumped straight back onto the gay scene and became a “Scene Queen”.
Im now left wondering, was I tricked? All the reasons I beleived to stay away where put into my head by him, the guy who is now there every weekend. I dont know what to beleive now. What do you think? Is it better to keep the company of straight people, Do you like to only surround yourself with other gays or Do you like a mix of both?
I just read an awesome blog by my friend The Narcissist about settling. It got my mind racing. Settling is something that is often on my mind.
In the past 7 years as an openly gay man I have had my fair share of relationships. Sure some of them were complete dicks but some of them were nice, normal, good guys. They were good enough. I could have married them (if it was legal) and lived a nice, normal good life. Every time I reached the point where I realised we were heading down the road to living a nice normal average life together, I would get a sinking feeling in my stomach. I would literally start to feel sick. It’s like I’m allergic to mediocrity. This is the point where I usually start to sabotage the relationship.
My ex partner of 2 years turned to me in the end and said “You can have all this, we can live this life together, we can both work our normal jobs and come home to our normal house and our normal life but I know you, and I know that this is not going to make you happy. You are going to want more than this, You will miss all the dreams you gave up to have this”. At the time I hated him for saying it. I was ready to give up on all my dreams and settle. Lucky enough for me he wasn’t going to let me do that. A year later I had the Cowboy saying something very similar at the end of our relationship. He said “If I stay with you I am just going to be standing in the way of your dreams and I dont want to be a dream stealer”.
I often wonder though, Am I deluding myself? Are the big dreams just dreams and are they standing in the way of letting me live something that is nice and normal and happy and average. Am I destined for something great and I cant let a relationship get in my way? Or is that just a lie I tell myself so I can sleep at night?
The other day I wrote a blog about being gay and it not being a choice. In there I wrote about how it is harder to find a partner. Some idiot decided to tell me that it’s not harder. So today I’m here to prove them wrong. With maths! Exciting right?…. Ok just stick with me.
Let’s say the entire population is 100%. 50% male, 50% female. I’m already down to 50%. Most study’s agree that between 2 and 3 percent of males are gay. So that makes 1.5% of the population gay males.
Let’s say I agreed to date anywhere from 7 years younger than me to 7 years older. That’s 17% of the population. So now gay males in my age bracket are 0.08%.
I, like most people don’t find every single person attractive. So let’s factor in some standards. Let’s say I find 1 in 10 people attractive (which I don’t think is high standards by any means) that’s 10% of the population. So, gay men in my age bracket that I would be attracted to are 0.008% of the population.
But we all know not everyone out there is completely normal. There are liars, cheats and deadbeats. There are guys with too much baggage and guys that are just down right crazy. I’m going to be kind at this point and say 25% would fall into this category (if you have ever been on grindr you will know its a lot higher than that). So we are now down to 0.006%
You may have 0.006% to like but not everyone is going to like you back. Depending on how you look, how much baggage you have and how well you hide your own crazy you could have anywhere for 1% to 99% of guy like you back. For the sake of completing this article, I would say if half the dates you went on the guy liked you back then you are doing pretty well. So let’s go with half which makes it 0.003%
So unless you date someone a lot older or a lot younger, date someone you don’t find attractive, date someone who is crazy or try to pursue something thats one sided, You have 0.003% chance of meeting someone.
So next time someone gets up in your grill about who your dating, your lack of dating or anything to do with your love life tell them to BACK THE FUCK OFF, because I think whatever you are doing, you are doing the best with the 0.003% you were given.
Today I read a blog on a fellow bloggers page called “Why are you still single?”. It was written by a woman who I consider to be attractive, intelligent and independent. The story was that she kept meeting men who kept asking “Why are you still single?”. Eventually one of them turned around and said “I’ve figured it out, you don’t have any one because you don’t need anyone”. After consulting girlfriends they agreed men need to feel needed. There were so many good points in this blog but this point got me thinking.
Being a man myself I started to think “Do I need to be needed?” I thought back over all my past relationships and it was true for every single one. One of the main things all my past relationships had in common was I felt needed by the other person. In all the lists I have made or rules I have written about finding a partner this 1 key fact had never made it’s way on to the lists. How could I have missed something so simple?
When I think about it, it’s basically hard wired in to our DNA as men to be a provider for our families, partners and children. Since the birth of man, men have provided and women have nurtured. It’s only natural to want to provide for your partner and therefore be needed by them.
This got me thinking further though, how does this feeling of being needed transpire into gay relationships? I know everyone, men and women, want to feel needed but how does it work when both partners need to be needed in the exact same way? I know from experience that some of my relationships have been a constant wrestling match for who gets to be the provider in the relationship. I have, at times felt emasculated when I have had to back down and let someone provide for me. So how does a gay relationship come to a balance where both partners get to fulfil their role as “the man” and therefore fulfil their natural instinct of feeling needed?
I’d love to know your ideas. Let me know in the comments below!
Over the years I’ve been on a lot of dates and met a lot of guys. By no means am I a slut or promiscuous, but I do enjoy dating (no sex, no not even a quick wristy). I like meeting new guys and in my years of gay dating I have met a lot of guys that are decent and attractive and have their shit together. They are nice and normal good guys.
The problem is at the end of a date with a good guy I’m always left thinking “this guy is good and I could have a perfectly good relationship with him, maybe even a good life with him. I could be with him and things would be nice and normal”
But what if I don’t want good? What if I want great? What if I want amazing? I’m constantly wondering should I settle for good or hold out for great? What do you think? What would you do? Does anyone else feel like this? Let me know in the comments below.
I have been getting a lot of feedback about my blog – Face Off. So for all of you have been asking, Here is what happened.
So against my better judgement and swayed by a few comments on my last post, I decided to meet up with Travolta. We both have very busy schedules so it was hard to find a time. I thought since we worked down the road from each other it would be easy. How wrong I was. The first week he couldn’t do Monday or Wednesday, and I couldn’t do Tuesday or Friday. So I was pretty sure it was all on for Thursday. On Wednesday he never came online so Thursday morning I shot him a quick message saying “Hey, we still on for today?” and got no reply. Then the next day he started chatting again as if nothing had happened. I let a few days pass and didn’t bring it up. The next week rolled around and he messaged me and I decided this would be the perfect opportunity to pin him down for a time. I wasnt going to let him get out of it this easy. He tried to skate around the topic and throw a few vague dates or times that he might be able to meet up but I wanted something more concrete. The harder I pushed the more I realised he was never going to meet up and this was all just some sort of game to him. My temper got the better of me. I am a pretty impatient person and I had been waiting months to see this guys face, it was getting beyond a joke! I sent a few abusive messages about him wasting my time and logged out. I took some time to think and logged back on. A lengthy discussion followed but at the end of the day I realised I was wasting time and energy that I could be spending on someone who was genuinely interested and had far less issues (and who’s face I could actually see). So that became the deal breaker.
I’m a big believer that if you want something bigger or better in your life you have to make room for it. You can’t pick up diamonds while your hands are full of dog shit. So I decided to let go of something that wasn’t working for me to make room for something that will. The funny thing is as soon as I did, a lot more opportunities started coming my way, But that’s another blog for another day.