Before the cowboy, there was the punk. I didn’t really think he was much of a punk but he very much liked to think of himself as one so I went with it. He was about 5 years younger than me but we were very much on the same level of maturity. While the cowboy left me with scratches and bruises, the punk left me crippled with internal bleeding. In actuality he left me with swelling on the brain after running me over with his car one night. Yeah….. we were that dramatic couple.
We were on and off so often that at times even I found it hard to keep up with where we were at. We would fight and do the most dispicable things to each other and then go right on back to being Ty and the punk as if nothing had ever happened. This went on for over 2 years and by the end I was a shell of my former self. I had tried everything to make it work but in the end I realised you just cant turn dog shit into diamonds.
For most of the time that we were together I had a failing business. It constantly kept me down emotionally and mentally. I always felt like I wasnt a good enough provider and therefore a good enough boyfriend. Although in the end I realised that things were shit, there was still always a small part of me that thought “If I had money, maybe things would have been different”. That stupid thought planted itself deep in my brain and eventually became a belief. Somehow I started to believe that if I was to ever have a boyfriend again that I needed money…. and lots of it. The more money I had, the more guys that would be interested in me.
So recently I met this guy. We started chatting and he seemed really nice. It wasnt until after our first date that I realised this guy was easily the richest guy I had ever dated and not by a little bit either. He would be easily 10 times richer than the second richest dude I’ve dated. (Not that I only date rich dudes, my last boyfriend was unemployed) Anyway, this guy had all this money but he had no success with guys or relationships. I couldnt understand it. As I got to know him better I started to see why. While he absolutely ticked the box of being successful, other boxes like personality, humour and fitness were left very blank. He was everything that I wanted to be, my idea of “the ideal man” and yet even I didnt want to date him.
It made me realise that even if I do make a tonne of money. If I ignore all the other aspects of my life then guys still wont want to be with me. Im even starting to think that maybe a lot of guys dont put success at the top of their list when looking for a boyfriend. Maybe things like sense of humour, hot body, able to hold a conversation, great in bed are more important? What is the most important thing you look for in a guy?
Lesson for today: Having the perfect bank balance wont make me happy but being happy will make me perfect.
I was recently in a relationship with a guy. We both really liked each other and hit it off really well. Everything was great until he broke up with me. He told me that deep down he wanted a wife and kids and was going to pursue that. We were each other’s first real relationship. He told me we could still be friends. So, we’re friends and he’s still wrestling with his sexuality. The big thing for him is he does not want to lose the acceptance and respect from his family if he lives out his sexuality. His parents do not accept him because of their beliefs. I want to live my life to the fullest as a gay man and have the relationship with another man that I have always dreamed of. What should I do?
Thanks for writing to me. I feel there are 2 main parts to this email. Being friends with your ex and dating a closet. Let me start with being friends with an ex.
I dont think being friends with an ex straight after you have broken up is ever a good idea for anyone. If you have really made a connection with someone, that doesnt disolve over night (no matter how much sometimes you wish it would). Once a connection has been made it takes time for those feelings and emotions to settle and sometimes it can take a very long time. Going into a friendship with all those feelings and emotions simmering away is a recipe for disaster. It usually alwasy ends up in fights and arguements and someone getting hurt. Dont get me wrong, some people can do it, but be very honest with yourself. If you are not one of those people who can easily shut down your feelings then friends after a break up is not a good idea.
Now the second problem you have here is dating someone in the closeted guy. This is extremely difficult because its something our straight counterparts dont have to deal with so it can be very hard at times to find good advice on the matter. My opinion is that unless you like being hurt or find being dumped for no reason fun, then you should never date a closeted guy. If someone is in the closet it is generally because they havent yet come to terms with who they are. They are in for a long rocky road of self discovery, and call me crazy but I dont think a rocky road is the best place to build the foundations of a relationship on. My best advice is to keep loving yourself and keep an eye out for someone who is ready and in the right mindset to start something. If it is really meant to be with this other guy then maybe once he has come to terms with his sexuallity and found who he is things will pan out for the two of you.
I hope that helped and rememeber if anyone ever has any questions don’t be afraid to email email@example.com
Regular readers of ty-curious.com you would have heard me mention the cowboy on a few occaisions. He was my last serious relationship. Things busted up between us about 14 months ago on fairly amicable terms but we both deleted each other from facebook.
When I first met the cowboy he laid down the law that if we wanted to be together there would be no going to go gay clubs or gay pubs and no hanging out in gay places or with gay people. At the time I had had my fill of the scene as was growing more and more tired of it. I also looked back at other relationships and realised how much other gay dudes had meddled in my relationships and made things far harder than they had to be, so I agreed to these terms. As time went on there was also a facebook clause added to the rules. I was asked to delete all gay people from my facebook, regardless of wheather they were friends or not. Eventually I reluctantly agreed.
Although I didnt want to completely cut myself off from all other gay people, I could see his point. If my past was anything to go by, being a gay couple and mingling with other gay guys was a constant source of jealousy and fighting which most of the time was spawned over nothing at all. He encouraged me to leave the gay world behind me and rejoin the real world. I appreciated it massively. It was one of the healthiest relationships I have ever had, no dramas, no complications just simple and easy. I learnt a lot from it and because of that I earned giant respect for the cowboy.
The problem was that when we broke up I was left alone, completely cut off from the gay world. I had deleted all my gay friends from facebook, I was unsure if I even had their phone numbers still. I could try re-adding them but would they want to accept after I deleted them for no reason? Would they want to talk to me after I cut them off for 6 months. I couldnt go out and meet new gay people because I had no one to go with. I was stuck and isolated. I have struggled to make new gay friends or reconnect old gay friendships and still feel very isolated. Luckily though, I have some pretty amazing straight people in my life that keep me going.
So last night I was cruising through facebook and the cowboys name popped up on a friend of a friends status. I couldnt help myself, I had to have a bit of a stalk. I was absolutely shocked. He had so many gay friends and all his statuses were about going out to the gay pub every weekend. I was stunned. I know people grow and change, and it had been over a year but, he had turned into the complete opposite person of the guy I used to know. I became enraged. He forced me out of that world and spent hours convincing me how bad it was for me and how I shouldnt be a part of it. It now seems that the second we broke up he just jumped straight back onto the gay scene and became a “Scene Queen”.
Im now left wondering, was I tricked? All the reasons I beleived to stay away where put into my head by him, the guy who is now there every weekend. I dont know what to beleive now. What do you think? Is it better to keep the company of straight people, Do you like to only surround yourself with other gays or Do you like a mix of both?
The regular readers of ty-curious.com will know that I havent had sex in over a year. After my relationship with the cowboy ended the last thing on my mind was sex. After a while I just got used to going without it. After even longer I felt revirginised and felt I should hold out til Mr Right came along. These days I dont even know why I am not doing it, maybe its a form of self torture, maybe its nerves, maybe I have over hyped it. I think the majority of my reason is that I am not 100% comfotable with my body at the moment, and its been so long that I’m kinda scared to get naked in front of someone, especially a stranger. I know I’m not disgusting or anything but I also know that my body is not at the point where I feel comfortable showing it off.
Whatever it is, when I’m chatting to guys I let them know pretty early on in the show that I havent been with anyone in a long time. I think it gives a good indicator of where I’m at and that they have 0% chance of hooking up if that is all they are looking for. The strange thing is that lately I have had a few weird reactions. A couple of guys have turned and said “Im a total slut compared to you” “You make me look like a whore” “Ok Mother Theresa”. They seem to take offense at my choice to not hook up, as if my choices reflect badly on them because they do. I in no way think that sleeping around is a bad thing. I totally get it, hey sometimes I even want to do it too. But I know myself well enough to know that right now that is not what I want. Maybe one day that will change, maybe one day soon. Until that day though I am going to stand strong and do what I beleive is best for me.
The thing that has got me thinking is that I’m a 27 year old grown ass man, I like to think that I know myself pretty well and that I have a decent amount of self confidence. That being said, even I am feeling the pressure to “join the darkside” to be like everyone else on grindr and manhunt. I can’t begin to imagine what it is like for young guys coming out onto the gay dating scene. What do you think? Are guys against celibacy? Is there a certain level of pressure to “be like everyone else” on these sites?
If you are a regular reader of ty-curious.com you will know that I dont have the best luck in the dating department. Its left me starting to wonder…. Am I earning Bad Dating Karma?
Now I’m going to get all hippie on your ass today but imagine the world is made of Karma or Energy or Vibes or whatever you feel most comfortable calling it. Im putting out a lot of bad vibes on a daily basis, its only natural that they come back to bite me!
An average day on Grindr or any other dating site for me goes as follows. I jump on and get a few messages, most of which I ignore. Im already putting out bad vibes because even though I am not doing anything, the guys who I ignore feel bad and therefore I have created someone to feel bad or in other words, have created some bad energy. I justify that its okay for me to do this because there is just not enough hours in the day to sit down and explain to every single person who messages me why I am not interested, and I would also feel that even with an explaination they are going to feel hurt anyway. So I feel like just by being on grindr I am already creating bad karma for myself.
It gets worse though. There are the guys who ask me for sex, say something completely inappropriate or even worse, send me some disgusting picture. If they catch me at the wrong time I will give them a spray or at least be a little rude to them and before I know it I have used more of my energy being negative and sent out more bad vibes.
Then there are the guys I actually talk to or meet. 9 times out of 10 it doesnt go anywhere and at some point I feel as though I need to start distancing from them or let them know that its not going to happen. Either way, they generally get upset and I feel like im chucking a few more dollars in the karmic piggy bank.
I, like many gay men feel that being on these sorts of sites is the only way I’m ever going to find someone. Or it at least keeps me connected with the gay community while living in a world full of straight people. It does have its good points but Im starting to think, Is being on these things doing more harm than good? Is it forcing me into situations that are bringing out the worst in me? Is it a help or a hinderance?
What do you think? Are grindr and other dating sites just toxic? Or is there a way I can still participate without clocking up a massive karmic dating debt?
Well the past 12 hours have been eventful to say the least. After my last post “Stereotype” was posted the grindr guy who I was talking about in it, read it. Although I don’t think I said anything nasty or horrible about him and that I explained the situation fairly, he didnt feel the same way.
While sitting in my office working I glanced over at my phone and saw I had a text. I tapped on it and what appeared on the screen was the longest text message I have seen in my life. I have had bad break ups with partners of years and received long ranty abusive messages but what I received today beat those by a long shot. There was accusations that I wasn’t the person I portray myself to be as Ty Curious, threats to out me for who I “really am” and abusive language. One of the scariest parts was that he says he has screen shots of every single conversation we have ever had, I dont know about you but at this point I’m starting to get visions of Fatal Attraction and Single White Female. It all wrapped up in telling me how I should be less judgemental, how I could improve my life and be more like him and just generally giving me advice on how to change.
Well, When I want to be a 30 year old pot smoking loser who is far too needy I’ll be sure to re read that text message and take the advice on board. But until then I think I’ll stick to what I did which was buy an app which blocks any future messages or calls coming through from that number. Best 99 cents I ever spent! An investment that I’m sure I will need to use again in the future if I continue to use grindr.
It’s scary to think the kind of people you open yourself up to on these kind of apps and dating sites. It makes sense that after rejection upon rejection that even perfectly normal guys are going to turn a bit weird. This guy may be perfectly normal and maybe I was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. Maybe hes a star chaser and knew that if he kept pushing my buttons enough he would get his very own blog written about him. Maybe he just never grew up and accepted that sometimes some people just dont like you and dont want to be your friend no matter how hard you force it. Whatever it is, I dont really care.
At this point you may all be thinking that I’m being quite heartless to this guy. Many of you would know me as a bit of a softy and a romantic and have never really seen this side of me. It’s not a side that I’m proud of or that I think anyone should encourage but after years of dealing with dating sites you start to develop a pretty tough skin to this sort of thing. It’s only natural that people react badly when they feel rejected and unfortunately if your the one doing the rejecting your quite often the target of their rage. You tend to get over feeling bad for them pretty damn fast. So in reply to stalker boys claim of “I’m not who I portray myself to be as Ty Curious”, your right! Sometimes I just dont give a fuck! Sometimes I’m mean and sometimes I’m rude. I dont always do the right thing and there are sides to my personality that aren’t very nice. But I think at the end of the day, every single person I know would class me as a good person. Even most of the readers of this blog would have a pretty similar opinion of me.
And to prove Im not a total asshole, Stalker Boy if you are reading this too, I give you right of reply. You can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with your version of events and I will post them for all the world to see.
I recently took part in Davey Wavey’s 3 Day no Grindr challenge. For those of you who don’t know who Davey Wavey is make sure you check him out here. Hes basically the Michael Jordan of gay blogging…. If Michael Jordan was a shirtless gay man….. You know what I mean.
Anyway in the video Davey and his friend challenge gay men to not use grindr for 3 whole days. It sounds ridiculous that you couldn’t go 3 days without using a gay dating app but it was actually difficult. The app is extremely addictive and comes in handy quite often. Spot a hottie on the bus? Just pull out grindr and see if that hottie is on the list of gay gauys in your proximity. Feeling a bit down? Jump on grindr and within minutes have messages from guys telling you how hot you are and all the things they want to do to you (even though sometimes you end up wishing they didn’t…. its still a boost to the old ego).
About a day after watching the video my grindr subscription ran out and I decided it was as good excuse as any to take on the challenge. I ended up passing the 3 days and going without it for a bit over a week. I just subscribed again last night. It was a good experience overall. I found because I wasnt wasting my time chatting to guys I had more spare time and got more done. It made me realise that I didn’t need some random guy to tell me I was hot to keep my self esteem up. Best of all it gave me time to think about what I was doing on there in the first place. It’s easy, with the sea of guys on there, get caught up in all the compliments and lost in all the offers for hook ups. Having time away from it gave me time to reprioritise what I wanted out of grindr so now when I do use it I can focus on looking for what I want and spend less time getting caught up in all the shit.
If your a single gay man I would definately suggest this challenge. If your not a grindr fan or not even a gay man, still make sure you check out Davey Waveys blog. There is plenty of stuff there for everyone, not just the homos!