Should I be friends with my closeted ex boyfriend?

Dear Ty
I was recently in a relationship with a guy. We both really liked each other and hit it off really well. Everything was great until he broke up with me. He told me that deep down he wanted a wife and kids and was going to pursue that. We were each other’s first real relationship. He told me we could still be friends. So, we’re friends and he’s still wrestling with his sexuality. The big thing for him is he does not want to lose the acceptance and respect from his family if he lives out his sexuality. His parents do not accept him because of their beliefs. I want to live my life to the fullest as a gay man and have the relationship with another man that I have always dreamed of. What should I do?
 
Lesley
 
Hi Lesley,
 
Thanks for writing to me. I feel there are 2 main parts to this email. Being friends with your ex and dating a closet. Let me start with being friends with an ex.
 
I dont think being friends with an ex straight after you have broken up is ever a good idea for anyone. If you have really made a connection with someone, that doesnt disolve over night (no matter how much sometimes you wish it would). Once a connection has been made it takes time for those feelings and emotions to settle and sometimes it can take a very long time. Going into a friendship with all those feelings and emotions simmering away is a recipe for disaster. It usually alwasy ends up in fights and arguements and someone getting hurt. Dont get me wrong, some people can do it, but be very honest with yourself. If you are not one of those people who can easily shut down your feelings then friends after a break up is not a good idea.
 
Now the second problem you have here is dating someone in the closeted guy. This is extremely difficult because its something our straight counterparts dont have to deal with so it can be very hard at times to find good advice on the matter. My opinion is that unless you like being hurt or find being dumped for no reason fun, then you should never date a closeted guy. If someone is in the closet it is generally because they havent yet come to terms with who they are. They are in for a long rocky road of self discovery, and call me crazy but I dont think a rocky road is the best place to build the foundations of a relationship on. My best advice is to keep loving yourself and keep an eye out for someone who is ready and in the right mindset to start something. If it is really meant to be with this other guy then maybe once he has come to terms with his sexuallity and found who he is things will pan out for the two of you.
 
I hope that helped and rememeber if anyone ever has any questions don’t be afraid to email ty@ty-curious.com
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Blue Shirt

If you have been following my story you will know that I live in one of the smaller Capitol cities in Australia. It has a small gay scene consisting of 1 pub and 1 club. A few years ago I had decided that I had my fill of the scene and stopped going. While I enjoyed it in the start, eventually it left me feeling more isolated than ever.

I reached out to other gay guys through Grindr but that never turned out to well. During the same time period I gained some weight and when I did feel ready to go back to the scene I felt like I couldn’t. I felt like no one would want me the way I looked now and I just couldn’t handle going to the club and having that confirmed. I couldn’t handle walking out knowing that not one guy even looked my way because I had let myself go.

Lucky for me I have some pretty amazing girlfriends. After a night of drinks n dinner for a friends birthday on the weekend my girls dragged my butt up the road to the gay pub. I was nervous, I felt sick, my stomach was doing backflips. We had a bit to drink and I was ready to hit the dance floor. If I wasn’t going to get hit on I was at least going to have fun!

We started dancing near a podium at the front of the club. That’s when I spotted one of the hottest guys I had ever seen. He was tall, muscular, tan with dark hair and was wearing a blue shirt. There was no way someone like that would be interested in someone like me but at least I could look. I kept dancing with my friends and eventually my group of friends was right next to his group of friends. Next thing I knew he was dancing up against me. I froze, I didn’t know what to do. In my head there was no way a guy like him could like a guy like me, but it was happening. Still confused I didn’t make a move and he moved away. I went out to smoke with my friends and shortly he followed. My girlfriends started talking to him and I got to shy and moved away. I couldn’t believe I had blown it again. The club closed pretty soon after that and I didn’t see him again.

I had a good time with my friends for the rest of the night and we all headed home together. I woke up the next morning and the conversation turned to blue shirt. Although I regretted not making a move, I was happy. I had been telling myself for a long time that I was too ugly or fat for anyone to hook up with. I had been using it as an excuse and letting it hold me back from doing things. Blue shirt proved that I was wrong and this is one circumstance where I’m very happy to be proved wrong.

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Ty’s So Affected

Recently I had a friendship of 8 years fall apart. It was pretty brutal and got pretty nasty towards the end. Although it was definately overdue for that friendship to end, it still hurt like hell. It was one of the only things that I decided I wasnt going to talk about on Ty-Curious.com . I just felt like it was too fresh and wasn’t sure exactly where I stood about it. That was until I read this blog by Bee about the intricacies of a friendship between a gay man and his fag hag. So much of it related to the situation I have just been through that I decided that I had to share it. So without further ado please welcome my friend Bee from SoAffected.com with his post Hag Rivalry.

Friendship is a funny thing. To me, I believe you have to put as much effort into a friendship as you do with a relationship. It’s something that needs to be constantly worked at. But at the same time, it shouldn’t feel like work, and the rewards should be more than fulfilling.

Jealousy plays a part in relationships too, but in friendships it can be amplified. The friendship between a gay man and a woman is such a close bond and such a complimentary pairing. If another girl comes along that threatens the closeness or the “perceived closeness” of a friendship, then watch out, the knives come out!

Not to be one-sided, gay guys can be equally as hostile when their beloved hag (or fruit fly) develops a friendship with another gay guy. And as we know, girls and gay guys can both be bitchy as all hell when they want to be.

When you are younger, say in your late teens, I think you cling to the notion of having a “best friend,” someone that you actively promote to the world as being your absolute rock. It’s as if you want the whole world to know that you may be single, but you are definitely not alone because you have a special person who will always be there for you no matter what. Once you have found your best friend, there is a silent agreement between the two of you that, much like dating, you will be loyal and trustworthy and while you can have other friends, you can’t have other best friends.

As you grow older, however, you begin to realise that your life can be filled with the love and support of more than just one person. Sure, you can have some people that you are closer to than others. But personally, I have my little network of friends and the thing I love about them is that they are all completely different and bring completely different qualities to the friendship table.

I have two women in my life – and I love both of them unconditionally. I met one many years ago, and she was my first true faghag. Let’s call her Lily. Lily was literally one of the very first people I told that I was gay, and I know that no matter what happens and no matter how many petty squabbles, we will still always be there for each other. Speaking of petty squabbles, I met the second woman in my life, Hyacinth (who is my Fabulous Jae Elle), only a year and a half ago, during a time that I wasn’t speaking to Lily (due to a petty squabble). I wasn’t looking to replace Lily, but my bond with Hyacinth is truly special and I feel as if I have known her so much longer than I really have. My relationship with Hyacinth is what I would call needy HAHA. But good needy. We both have this abundance of love in our hearts and we have a very emotional relationship where we both share everything that just spills out of our hearts.

It wasn’t long because Lily re-entered my life, and all of a sudden she saw Hyacinth as a “replacement.” To some extent, it was true. Hyacinth had begun to fill the void that was missing during Lily’s absence. But Hyacinth was different. I missed Lily’s cheeky smile and personality just as much.

Although they both won’t admit it – there had always been a bit of a tension and rivalry between the pair. And I’m not going to name examples, but I often wanted to be all sleazy and be like “listen ladies, there is plenty of me to go around.” *wink*

Due to my amazing ability to manage and manuvoure around these kinds of situations, I have been able to get Lily and Hyacinth to attend a lot more events together. And you know what? When they both let their guards down they do actually get along! I am really glad they do. Because I love them both so much. And juggling friendships can be hard. When they are unified, I get to see them equally and there is so much stuff we can all do together.

As much as I hate to admit it, when either Lily or Hyacinth spend time with another gay guy, I feel like I flare up like a Siamese fighting fish. I get very defensive and wonder what they talk about, whether their bond is stronger than ours. I think to myself, is this new guy that she is hanging out with going to lead to me being pushed aside like an unwanted toy? I guess that’s the funny thing about human nature. Jealousy is a natural thing and as much as we don’t like to admit that we have jealous feelings, we have all experienced them at some point.

Discipline is the key though. I have learnt to control these silly feelings, because at the end of the day, I know that I am unique and let’s face it…can’t be replaced!

Super Size Me

I mentioned a few weeks ago that I have moved back into my own house. Although I’m not sure if I mentioned that I now have a gay neighbour. He is an awesome dude and we have even hung out a couple of times. Its nice to have a gay friend so close by. About a week ago he had some friends over and he invited me over to meet them all. My neighbour and his friends are all at least 5 years younger than me so I felt a little old. One of them turned to me and said “Our friend P would be perfect for you, hes your age”. Despite the blow to my ego by feeling incredibly old, I was kinda interested. Who am I kidding? Its been a year since I last had sex, I was super interested!

They told me P’s full name and told me to add him on facebook. I told them that I don’t just add random people to my facebook so they added me and then told him to add me. He did quite quickly and we started to chat. Immediately I checked his profile pic and I couldnt help but notice he was a slightly larger. I’m quite big too so I didnt want to judge but I shot a message to my neighbours friend “Hey, this guy your trying to set me up with, is he quite big?” I got a reply straight back “No, you guys are like the same build”. I was relieved.

I kept chatting to P and decided to stalk his photos. I couldnt beleive what I saw. He was huge. Not even a Mc Large, this guy was Super Size! I sat there in shock and all that kept going through my head was “No, you guys are like the same build”. I was so insulted. This guy was at least 30 kgs heavier than me. I couldnt beleive that somebody had met me and thought that I was also that size. What had I done? How far had I let myself go if I was now comparable to this? Was I actually that size and just living in denial. The onslaught of horrible depressing thoughts would not stop. I kept talking to P but started to make it clear that I wasnt interested in that way. Maybe this is the wake up call I needed? Maybe I am living in denial. Whatever the case I know it is time to face this, I cant hide from it any longer.