Dry Humping

So a few weeks ago I was going all “Destiny’s Child – Independent Women” and ranting about being single and how 2012 is going to be my year of independence and singledom. At the time I meant it, and it is something I would like to achieve for myself this year. But….. I get bored and grindr does entertain me. Sometimes I just want to giggle at some of the crazies, sometimes I just want someone to talk to and other times I straight out just need attention.

So I’m flicking through profiles and I got a message from this guy. He’s my age, very handsome, has a very good job, and seems like a nice guy. We start chatting and he seems nice enough. We keep talking for about a week and eventually he asks me out on a date. I panic because I wasn’t going to date this year, it’s meant to be all about me and not about finding someone else!

The thing is I have this stupid belief that there is someone out there who is perfect for me. It must be all the Disney movies I watched as a kid because I stupidly still believe in Prince Charming. So whenever someone asks me on a date I can’t say no. I have this irrational fear that I could say no to someone who turns out to be my Prince Charming and that I will spend the rest of my life alone. It’s totally ridiculous and I hate myself for it. So I said yes.

I met him at the pub across the road from my house. He had a large bald patch and his photos must have been taken from a really good angle because he looked like the less attractive cousin of the guy in the photos. I sat down and had a drink. We got to chatting and he mentioned that he grew up in a small country town. He instantly became more attractive. I have a massive thing for country guys. We kept chatting and he seemed nice enough. There wasn’t a spark there, but there wasn’t no chance of ever having a spark. After a few more beers the pub was closing so I asked if he would like to grab some drinks and head across the road to my place. He agreed.

We got to my place and opened a beer each. We sat on the couch and started watching tv and talking. All of a sudden he leapt across and locked lips with me, within 10 seconds he was on top of me and we were in the middle of a full makeout session. It was nice. After a few minutes he stood up, grabbed my hand and started to lead me towards the bedroom. As he did he kicked my beer. It spilled all over the floor! He looked down and then just kept dragging me towards the bedroom. I was furious, he didn’t even offer to clean it up. Not that I would have let him, but he didn’t stop and let me clean it up. He just continued to the bedroom.

We jumped on the bed and started making out and I tried my best to forget about the spilt beer on my floor. I laid on my back and he quickly jumped on top and started grinding his ass against my crotch. I rolled him on to his side and told him I didn’t sleep with people on the first date, that I wasn’t that type of guy. We continued to make out and he continued to grind against me. He rolled over and put his back to my stomach and grinded and grinded, he then rolled onto his stomach and pulled me onto his back. This was when I realised I was in the middle of a dry humping session! I didn’t know what to do, it was so awkward. He kept pushing his ass against my crotch and even slid my fingers into his mouth. After what seemed like an eternity I eventually broke away. I told him that I didn’t want sex and that really wasn’t what I was looking for. He laid there and said nothing. I asked if he would like a coffee to sober up before driving home. He quickly jumped out the bed and started walking out. I followed him out and as he started walking down my driveway I said “I guess I’ll see you later”, he turned and screamed “You just called me a slut!!!!” and ran off down my driveway. I was so confused. I walked inside and started mopping up beer off my floors. When I finished I texted him saying that I didn’t understand why he thought I was calling him a slut and that I didn’t call him that. I didn’t get a reply and I don’t think I really wanted one either. I curled up in bed and thought to myself Maybe being single is better than going through this shit……..


The Worst First Date

So after my failed date with Pluck I was more determined then ever to find me a husband. Somehow in my mind it had twisted from a simple search for someone to date into a soul consuming search for a husband. I guess it was a combination of one of my best friends getting engaged and me turning 27. In my mind I had always imagined I’d be married by 27, or at least engaged, or at least in a relationship, or at least have a glimmer of hope that I wasn’t going to die alone surrounded by 16 cats. So I became hell bent on my mission to find someone.

I jumped back on grindr the day after my birthday celebrations. Straight away I got a message from a new guy, Tradie. He was cute, smart, funny and nice. We liked all the same things and since I was a tradie for 8 years before my current role we had a lot in common. We started talking every day, all day. Txts from when I woke up in the morning til I went to sleep at night. I had never met a guy that I could talk to that much without getting bored. For the first time in a long time I really started to open up to someone. Things were looking brighter and maybe I wasn’t going to have to take that trip to the pet store to buy my first of many cats.

We were both sickeningly keen on each other and decided we would meet that weekend for drinks. The next day he informed me that his cousins girlfriend had a party on that night and that he wanted to bring me rather than cancel our date. I agreed but said we should meet beforehand just to make sure we liked each other and so it would be less awkward.

We decided to meet at 6 at a pub just outside the city. The same pub where the party would be later that night. As I was getting ready and going through my first date rituals I started to feel violently sick, like something was really wrong but I assured myself it was just the nerves because I hadn’t liked someone this much in a very long time. But I still couldn’t shake the feeling that something bad was going to happen.

On my way into the city I got a txt saying that he had been in a car accident and he was going to be late. I told him we could reschedule but he told me to just go to the pub and he would be there as soon as he could. I went and grabbed a beer and waited. He arrived shortly after. He was very cute and very fit. I was kind of shocked because I had said how unfit I was and he said he was unfit too. This wasn’t the case at all and I became very self conscious. A few beers fixed that though. We started talking and things didn’t really flow as well as when we texted. It was quite strained and he also brought up his ex a bit which is a massive red flag for me.

It came time to go to the party and I told him that it was fine for him to go to the party without me and that I didn’t want to impose. He reassured me it wouldn’t be that bad and that only a couple of his friends would be there. I figured I shouldn’t bail so early anyway.

We met the birthday girl and were told there was a bar tab and to go make use of it. We had already had far too many beers but went to the bar for more. While waiting to be served, his friends arrived. As they approached my heart sank. One of his friends was a midget drag queen that used to work in a nightclub that I worked in years ago when I was 21. A lot of crazy crazy things happened in that night club. Most of which, I’m not exactly proud of. I knew there were so many stories that the midget could tell Tradie, I was horrified! At our first chance I took him away and quickly explained the situation. He was sweet about it and kept asking if I was alright. I wasn’t but I tried to put on a brave face. I ducked off to the toilets and when I returned Tradie informed me that the midget had told him that we used to date! I was furious. I remembered that the midget had also spread that rumour back when we used to work together and that was why I hated him!

I tried to play it cool but I was full of beer and getting angrier by the second. I jumped straight onto Facebook and twitter and sent out an SOS! I got a few replies but a girl I went to school with was actually down stairs in the pub so I went down and met her. I had a drink with her but the entire time I couldn’t stop thinking about the awkward situation upstairs. After a drink I decided to head back up stairs and talk to Tradie. I don’t know if I had given the fat midget drag queen time to tell more stories or if Tradie was pissed that I had left for a bit or if something else happened but I got back to an icy reception. I didn’t know what was going on but it was pissing me off. I took Tradie outside and asked what was up? He told me that it was just all the stuff that midget had said and that he wanted to go home and sober up and think about it all.

I saw red! I told him if he had to think about that lying sack of shits lies then not to bother and stormed out of the pub. I was so furious! As I walked back to the train station I could feel myself getting angrier and angrier. I fired off a few abusive texts but it didn’t help at all. I was tired of living in this small town with a gay community so small that your past always catches up with you, and to make things worse I was being crucified for something I had never even done!

I woke up the next morning full of regret and confusion. How did things turn so bad so fast? Why would I be so childish as to send abusive texts. Why do I keep putting myself through this bullshit? Do I even want a boyfriend if this is the kind of shit I have to go through? I had a lot to think about.

The second first date.

So after my date with HP I was feeling down and felt like giving up but I knew I had to keep trying. It was after all my first date in almost a year. So I hopped back on to grindr and one of the other guys I had been talking to was on there. Lets call him Pluck because intially I didnt want to give him a chance because it looked like he had over plucked his eye brows in his profile pic. Pluck started messaging me and once I showed a little interest the messages became a lot more frequent. He seemed to have a fairly good body, had a similar job to me and besides the whole eyebrow thing, was fairly attractive. I was sure I could look past it.

Pluck started texting me fairly frequently and was getting keen to meet up. I was a little hesitant after my HP disaster but thought hey why not, cant get any worse. Or at least I thought it couldn’t. I told him to come up to the cafe down the road from my house and he gladly obliged. I got ready and looked pretty good, I was happy and confident which is fairly unusual for me on a first date, Im normally a nervous wreck. I got there, waited and he arrived shortly after. We grabbed coffee’s and sat down at a booth. While waiting I noticed that over all he was a fairly attractive guy but for some reason I kept picking up every tiny little off putting detail. Teeth that were a little bit too big, over freckley skin, a giant mole on his arm the size of a 5 cent peice. I told myself to quit it as I was sure that I was just being over picky to try and protect myself from being disappointed again. Besides, he wasn’t a total minger. He was incredibly fit with a 6 pac, huge arms, pecs and nice eyes. I probably had time to notice all these things while he was talking, and talking, and talking. It was hard to get a word in. But once again against my better judgement I thought I was just being over judgemental.

After a few hours of talking I had to wind things up because I needed to get some sleep before work the next day. I had walked to the cafe and Pluck said he would drop me home, It was cold and late so I agreed. We got into the car and he turned to me and said “Can I kiss you?”. I thought, that is strange to ask first but went with it because I hadnt been kissed in a while so who was I to start being picky. What happened next still flashes in my head. He slowly pulled back from the kiss, had his face 2 inches away from mine and softly whispered “Hello”. It was the most awkward thing anyone had ever done to me. I awkwardly smiled, pulled my head away and started a conversation to distract from the awkwardness. He started driving me home and as we talked I asked him “When was your last boyfriend?” He went quiet. I thought for a second and then asked “Have you ever had a boyfriend?” He looked at me and replied “No”. By this stage we were out the front of my house and I was looking for a quick get away. He then said “I have never been in a relationship” and started to sob. It was even more awkward than the “hello”. Im pretty sure a grown man crying is the most awkward thing ever. I tried to reassure him that it was ok and I knew a lot of people our age that had never had boyfriends. I did my best to comfort him but needed to escape ASAP! I kept reassuring him that it was alright and when his mood seemed to change I started yawning and said I had to go to sleep. I jumped into bed and within a minute I had a text from him.

The next morning I woke up, got ready and headed into work. Within the first hour I had a text and from then on the texts flowed fairly frequently throughout the day. I was busy at work and was giving short answers. I told my workmates and they gave me the advice to cut him loose now before things got messy.

I waited until that night when I could give my full attention. I tried to break it gently but how do you ever tell anyone that your not interested without hurting them? He didn’t take it well. The messages came flooding in, faster than I could even read them. I eventually had to just turn my phone off.

I felt bad, I didn’t want to be the bad guy but there just seemed to be way too many issues there for me to see any chance of having a good relationship. What do you think? Would you have given him a chance? Am I being too fussy? Let me know in the comments below.

A letter to my brother

Dear D,

I haven’t spoken to you in years. Things got complicated and it was just easier to stop talking than continue the argument.

I saw you tonight, walked straight past you on the street as if we were strangers. You would never know it but I was on my way to a first date. Little did I know I was about to walk into a bad situation.

I always hated you for the way you treated me. You always belittled me, made me insecure, talked down to me. I always thought that you had made me weak. Tonight I learned different….

When I got treated terribly tonight, when I was made to feel like nothing, I knew exactly what to say. I knew how to hit hard, cut deep and stand up for myself. You taught me this. All these years I thought you made me weak but turns out you were just training me to be strong.

Less fun than a christmas tree

In my post Face Off 2 I mentioned that I let go of something that was never going to happen in order to make room in my life for something better. Heres what happened next:

So once I stopped talking to Travolta I found I had alot more guys showing me attention. I dont know if it was because my focus was no longer on him, I could focus on new prospects or if I genuinely was getting more messages all of a sudden. Either way I wasn’t complaining!

One of the guys was super cute, a few years older and very intelligent. Let’s call him HP. HP worked In the city and I work just outside the city. After a couple of weeks of messaging back and forth we decided we should probably meet. We organised to meet on the friday after work for drinks in the city. On the Thursday he messaged me saying he just couldn’t wait and asked if I was free that night. I didnt have much else to do so I agreed to a coffee after work. I finished work, jumped on the train and agreed to meet him in the central park of the city. I spotted him in the distance, not exactly what I pictured. A bit nerdier than I imagined, but I kind of have a soft spot for gay geeks so I went with it and I hadnt been on a date in over a year so who was I to be fussy?

HP greeted me and shook my hand. He told me he had something good planned and lead me down an alley. Being lead down an alley by someone I met 2 minutes earlier I thought to myself “I’m either about to be raped or go somewhere really cool”. Lucky for me, we ended up somewhere really cool. We walked through a gift shop and through a back door and into one of the coolest hidden bars that I have seen in the city I live in. I was impressed. We approached the bar and he ordered some fancy gin and tonic. Me, being the bogan I am said “Ill have a bourbon and coke thanks”. The bartender shot me a death stare and replied “We dont serve coke here, you can have it with dry!”. I was kind of embarrassed, I had never been somewhere that was too fancy to serve coke so I accepted the bourbon and dry. We found a seat and started chatting. I must admit things werent flowing super smoothly and I did think to myself “wow I am a bit rusty at this”. I brought up grindr, which is where we started talking and learnt the lesson that grindr is never good to talk about on a first date, the conversation is doomed to head into territory that you dont want to know about.

After about 45 minutes he suggested we leave as one of his work collegues had just walked into the bar. I was fine with that and more than happy to move onto the next cool place. We got out on to the street and I said “Where should we go next?”. What happened next, I was totally unprepared for. He said “Well actually I have to go home and put up my christmas tree”. I was in shock. I had never been shot down like that ever. This wasn’t what I remembered dating to be like. In my shock I mumbled “ok” and he walked me to the train station. I spent the whole ride home thinking about how that was the lamest excuse I ever heard, how I had never had a date ended on me before and how I had always been the one to end dates. What was going on? I felt like I was being punk’d except for Ashton Kutcher never jumped out and I was just left alone on the train┬áto feel rejected. It was the worst feeling ever. I wanted to delete grindr and give up on dating forever. But after I had gotten over myself, I realised how lucky I was that I made it to this age without ever having that happen to me, all I needed to do was keep trying. Im sure with a bit of practice I could get back to the cool, calm and in demand dater that I was before. Little did I know I would be back in the swing of things sooner than I thought. But thats another blog for another day.