Over the past few months I have talked a bit about my battle with weight. Its been a life long battle and its one that I am currently fighting. Although I’m not obese or even big enough to be a biggest loser contestant, I’m not the weight I used to be and because of that I have felt uncomfortable. I didnt feel like me. I felt like me in a fat suit. It made me feel un-lovable, worthless, ashamed and depressed. I have let my weight stand in my way and hold me back from doing the things I want to do. Things that I would frequently think are:
- I don’t got out because I feel fat
- I don’t have a boyfriend because I feel fat
- I don’t have sex because I feel fat
- I don’t succeed at things because I feel fat
- I don’t feel confident because I feel fat
For a long time now I have been focusing on the last half of those statements “because I feel fat”. In my head, if I could somehow get rid of the fat then I would be able to do all of those things that I think I can’t do because of my weight. I don’t know what happened, but the other day I had a moment of absolute clarity. I realised that I can still do all of those things….. right now. There was nothing stoping me besides me. I just needed to stop focusing on the last half of the sentence and start focusing on the first half. It isn’t the fat that is holding me back. It is me that is holding me back with the “I don’t, I don’t, I don’t”. If I just ignore the last part of that sentence and focus on changing the don’ts to do’s its amazing the change that happens.
- I do go out
- I do have a boyfriend
- I do have sex
- I do succeed at things
- I do feel confident
The only thing holding me back is myself with my stupid excuse “because I feel fat”. I have come to realise that even if I lose weight and no longer “feel fat” there would still be in a “because” in that sentence and I’m fairly sure I would be able to replace the “I feel fat” with “because I feel ugly” “because I feel useless” or “because I feel unworthy” pretty easily.
So now is a the time for no more Dont’s and no more because’s. The only because I want to have is “Because I’m Awesome”! Its time to start feeding my body less and feeding my soul more. I kind of have a feeling that once I stop standing in the way of my own confidence, success and happiness that my weight will fall in line with the life I’m living anyway.
The other day I was lying on the couch channel surfing through boring weekend TV. I eventually stumbled on to a show called Excess Baggage. For anyone who hasnt seen it, they basically get a whole bunch of fat celebrities and a whole bunch of fat everyday australians and they pair them up and make them loose weight together. I was fairly hungover and feeling very fragile so this was perfect viewing for me.
The scene I had tuned in to the trainer had them running up and down a beach. There was this one woman who is a comedian in australia and she was screaming at the trainer “just go away” “Leave me alone” and the trainer turned to her and said “No matter what happens I’m not going to leave you, Im going to stick by you through this”. This woman burst into tears, like an uncontrolable ugly cry. It then cut away to a package about her talking about how her dad left when she was 5 and she has had issues her whole life that people would leave her and that she thinks that has a lot to do with her weight. A year ago I would have said that is absolute crap. Your dad leaving when you were 5 doesnt make you scoff down 5 cheeseburgers when no body is looking!
A year ago it was my brothers 21st and we were going through all the old photo albums having a laugh. I was saying “Woah look how skinny I was when I was young!” Everyone was like “Yeah, What happened?”. I was curious, so I started flipping through the photos which where in chronological order to pin point the exact moment when I started to blow out. There was a very clear moment when it happened. 4 = skinny, 5 = skinny, 6 skinny, 7 = skinny, 8 = super huge chubby fat kid! So what happened between 7 and 8? My parents got divorced….. I always thought I handled there divorce well for the age I was but the photographic evidence proved that quite clearly I was eating my feelings!
I cant sit here and blame me being fat now on my parents getting divorced when I was 7. That would be ridiculous. What I am saying though is that I established a pattern of eating my feelings at such an early age and created a lifetime of bad habits. I know that part of my pursuit of happiness is finding a healthier me. What I am starting to realize is that these bad habits and issues causing my weight problems are far deeper ingrained in me than I ever imagined.
Has anybody else had this sort of realisation? What have you done to overcome it?
I mentioned a few weeks ago that I have moved back into my own house. Although I’m not sure if I mentioned that I now have a gay neighbour. He is an awesome dude and we have even hung out a couple of times. Its nice to have a gay friend so close by. About a week ago he had some friends over and he invited me over to meet them all. My neighbour and his friends are all at least 5 years younger than me so I felt a little old. One of them turned to me and said “Our friend P would be perfect for you, hes your age”. Despite the blow to my ego by feeling incredibly old, I was kinda interested. Who am I kidding? Its been a year since I last had sex, I was super interested!
They told me P’s full name and told me to add him on facebook. I told them that I don’t just add random people to my facebook so they added me and then told him to add me. He did quite quickly and we started to chat. Immediately I checked his profile pic and I couldnt help but notice he was a slightly larger. I’m quite big too so I didnt want to judge but I shot a message to my neighbours friend “Hey, this guy your trying to set me up with, is he quite big?” I got a reply straight back “No, you guys are like the same build”. I was relieved.
I kept chatting to P and decided to stalk his photos. I couldnt beleive what I saw. He was huge. Not even a Mc Large, this guy was Super Size! I sat there in shock and all that kept going through my head was “No, you guys are like the same build”. I was so insulted. This guy was at least 30 kgs heavier than me. I couldnt beleive that somebody had met me and thought that I was also that size. What had I done? How far had I let myself go if I was now comparable to this? Was I actually that size and just living in denial. The onslaught of horrible depressing thoughts would not stop. I kept talking to P but started to make it clear that I wasnt interested in that way. Maybe this is the wake up call I needed? Maybe I am living in denial. Whatever the case I know it is time to face this, I cant hide from it any longer.
So they say the first step to overcoming a problem is admitting you have one. Here’s my big secret, watch me “come out” about it in the video below.
Lately, I haven’t really been taking the best care of myself. I used to go to cycle class, swim class, personal training and boxing classes every week! I didnt have every gay mans dream 6 pack, but was close enough to it. Its a long, long story about how I got to where I am today but basically after a 2 year on and off relationship finally ended, I ate my feelings! Then I went into another relationship, got dumped, and ate those feelings too! Im so ashamed to admit this on the internet but over the past 2 years I put on 20 kilos. Instead of treating my body like a temple, Ive been treating my body like a night club and not one of those fancy nightclubs either! I’ve been treating it like one of those dodgy ones that have sticky floors and stink like a mixture of cum and amyl! I have been disrespecting my body with bad food choices, ciggarettes, alcohol, too much caffeine, not enough sleep, not enough exercise and still expecting it to look its best. Its got to a point where my bodys had enough and is starting to let me know. I always try and take a positive out of any bad experience so, I think the biggest thing I have learnt is that one of the most important relationships that I have in this world is the one between me and my body. If I cant treat my own body with love and respect how am I meant to treat anybody else with love and respect? If I cant establish a good relationship between me and my body then how can I expect to establish a good relationship with anyone else? I’m going to work on this relationship over the next few months and keep you updated on how I go. This isn’t a diet, Im not going to do any drastic eating plans or excessive exercise routines. Im simply going to love my body and hope it loves me back (and maybe it loves me enough to give me one of those gay man dream 6 packs!!)
So let me know, how do you love your body? What do you do to show it you care? I want your ideas!! Click the like button to your right and let me know on the Ty Curious facebook page!!