Recently I wrote a post called Hunger Games about my battle with weight. In it I spoke a lot about “I don’t know why I eat bad foods all the time”. It was basically a bit of a pitty party, me going “Wahh wah wah, I eat bad food all the time and I don’t know why”. Well today I would like to be honest with myself and with you. I know why I eat bad food all the time, I have known for a while. I know why I self sabotage myself at every opportunity. I have been pretending like I am the victim and I don’t know why this is happening to me but I feel like I need to be honest if I am ever going to stop this vicious cycle.
There are two parts to my weight problem, the physical and the mental. The physical part is that I now find myself addicted to sugar, salt and fat. I constantly crave these things. I now find myself so dependent on them that I have ridiculous mood swings and cravings if I don’t get my fix. The physical part will be a difficult battle but it is one I know I can win. The problem is there is no point in even starting that battle until I have conquered the mental part.
The mental part of my battle started a while ago. They say that people are motivated by 2 things, to gain pleasure or to avoid pain. All things we do are driven by 1 of these 2 things. In times where these 2 things conflict, which ever is the greatest desire will win out.
Well about 2 years ago I had my heart broken. It wasn’t the first time, but I sure as hell wasn’t used to it either. I was tired of turning into a complete mess. I was tired of watching my life crumble into pieces yet again. I was sick of feeling the worst pain I had ever felt in my life and promised myself I would never allow it to happen again.
The problem was, I knew myself and I knew I couldn’t be trusted. I loved falling in love. I loved hoping that this time was going to be my happily ever after. The hopeless romantic in me wasn’t going to go down without a fight. So my sub conscious quickly figured out a way around that. All of a sudden I grew this incredible hunger. I started craving things that I would never allow myself to eat before and I started eating them, by the truckload. Before I knew it my weight was going up and the amount of guys interested in me going down. The weight was keeping away the guys and therefore I would never have to feel the pain of heartbreak ever again.
For so long I wondered why I constantly self sabotaged everything I wanted by engaging in this unhealthy behavior. The happiness I was seeking to gain was constantly outweighed by the pain I was trying to avoid. It may seem completely crazy to some but I am sure there are a lot of people out there who can relate to what I am going through.
So what now? I’m not 100% sure. I’m hoping that by not only identifying the problem but also acknowledging it, that I have taken the first step towards winning this battle. If anyone else has been through something similar I would love to hear your story.