Weight A Minute

Recently I wrote a post called Hunger Games about my battle with weight. In it I spoke a lot about “I don’t know why I eat bad foods all the time”. It was basically a bit of a pitty party, me going “Wahh wah wah, I eat bad food all the time and I don’t know why”. Well today I would like to be honest with myself and with you. I know why I eat bad food all the time, I have known for a while. I know why I self sabotage myself at every opportunity. I have been pretending like I am the victim and I don’t know why this is happening to me but I feel like I need to be honest if I am ever going to stop this vicious cycle.

There are two parts to my weight problem, the physical and the mental. The physical part is that I now find myself addicted to sugar, salt and fat. I constantly crave these things. I now find myself so dependent on them that I have ridiculous mood swings and cravings if I don’t get my fix. The physical part will be a difficult battle but it is one I know I can win. The problem is there is no point in even starting that battle until I have conquered the mental part.

The mental part of my battle started a while ago. They say that people are motivated by 2 things, to gain pleasure or to avoid pain. All things we do are driven by 1 of these 2 things. In times where these 2 things conflict, which ever is the greatest desire will win out.

Well about 2 years ago I had my heart broken. It wasn’t the first time, but I sure as hell wasn’t used to it either. I was tired of turning into a complete mess. I was tired of watching my life crumble into pieces yet again. I was sick of feeling the worst pain I had ever felt in my life and promised myself I would never allow it to happen again.

The problem was, I knew myself and I knew I couldn’t be trusted. I loved falling in love. I loved hoping that this time was going to be my happily ever after. The hopeless romantic in me wasn’t going to go down without a fight. So my sub conscious quickly figured out a way around that. All of a sudden I grew this incredible hunger. I started craving things that I would never allow myself to eat before and I started eating them, by the truckload. Before I knew it my weight was going up and the amount of guys interested in me going down. The weight was keeping away the guys and therefore I would never have to feel the pain of heartbreak ever again.

For so long I wondered why I constantly self sabotaged everything I wanted by engaging in this unhealthy behavior. The happiness I was seeking to gain was constantly outweighed by the pain I was trying to avoid. It may seem completely crazy to some but I am sure there are a lot of people out there who can relate to what I am going through.

So what now? I’m not 100% sure. I’m hoping that by not only identifying the problem but also acknowledging it, that I have taken the first step towards winning this battle. If anyone else has been through something similar I would love to hear your story.

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Hunger Games

I promiss one day I will stop writing blogs about feeling fat but today is not that day so here goes. So far through a combination of blogging about it and me overthinking the hell out of this topic I have established a few things.

  • Exercise makes me happy. When I exercise I am better able to handle stress and generally happier as a person
  • Eating shit makes me feel shit. When my diet is bad I feel lathargic and depressed
  • Eating good makes me feel good. When my diet improves, my attitude and mood improve too.
  • Being my current weight makes me unhappy and takes a lot of effort to undo all the unhappiness that the weight issues create

These aren’t things that sometimes happen or maybe happen. These are things that happen every time without fail. These are things that I know for sure. So knowing these things, one would think that the solution to these problems is easy. WRONG!

Let me run you through a typical morning, actually let me run you through my morning this morning! I lie in bed and the alarm goes off. “If I have a short shower I can sleep in 10 more mins” Hits snooze button “If I dont shave a I can snooze 10 more mins” Hits snooze button “If I dont iron my shirt I can snooze 10 more mins” Hits snooze button “If I skip breakfast I can snooze 10 more mins” Hits snooze button

I quickly launch out of bed and race around getting everything ready. I then run down the street like a crazy woman to get to the bus stop in time. (Hey at least im getting a solid 2 minutes of cardio in) I jump on the bus and my stomach starts grumbling. As I approach the train station I start the battle.

“I’ll get something from the train station cafe”

“No! They dont have anything healthy there”

“Alright, I will wait til I get to work…. wait theres no food at work, If I dont eat now I’m not going to eat til lunchtime”

“There is seriously no healthy food at that place, If you eat some bad food from there you are going to feel like shit! You know this!”

“But I’m so hungry!”

“You will regret it!!!”

“Fuck it! I dont care, I’m hungry and I don’t care if I am fat. It doesn’t even matter that much”

“You will regret it”

“I will start a diet tomorrow alright! That means I can eat whatever now.”

“Could I please get an Ice Coffee and a Muffin”

*Drinks Ice Coffee and eats muffin*

“I feel like shit”

“I fucking told you!!!!”

This little internal battle happens for me before every single meal. Im not a stupid person. I know what’s going to make me feel good and what’s going to make me feel bad so I can’t for the life of me figure out why I make a stupid choice every single time!

Does anyone else go through this? Or am I just absolutely crazy?

My New Diet

Over the past few months I have talked a bit about my battle with weight. Its been a life long battle and its one that I am currently fighting. Although I’m not obese or even big enough to be a biggest loser contestant, I’m not the weight I used to be and because of that I have felt uncomfortable. I didnt feel like me. I felt like me in a fat suit. It made me feel un-lovable, worthless, ashamed and depressed. I have let my weight stand in my way and hold me back from doing the things I want to do. Things that I would frequently think are:

  • I don’t got out because I feel fat
  • I don’t have a boyfriend because I feel fat
  • I don’t have sex because I feel fat
  • I don’t succeed at things because I feel fat
  • I don’t feel confident because I feel fat

For a long time now I have been focusing on the last half of those statements “because I feel fat”. In my head, if I could somehow get rid of the fat then I would be able to do all of those things that I think I can’t do because of my weight. I don’t know what happened, but the other day I had a moment of absolute clarity. I realised that I can still do all of those things….. right now. There was nothing stoping me besides me. I just needed to stop focusing on the last half of the sentence and start focusing on the first half. It isn’t the fat that is holding me back. It is me that is holding me back with the “I don’t, I don’t, I don’t”. If I just ignore the last part of that sentence and focus on changing the don’ts to do’s its amazing the change that happens.

  • I do go out
  • I do have a boyfriend
  • I do have sex
  • I do succeed at things
  • I do feel confident

 The only thing holding me back is myself with my stupid excuse “because I feel fat”. I have come to realise that even if I lose weight and no longer “feel fat” there would still be in a “because” in that sentence and I’m fairly sure I would be able to replace the “I feel fat” with “because I feel ugly” “because I feel useless” or “because I feel unworthy” pretty easily.

So now is a the time for no more Dont’s and no more because’s. The only because I want to have is “Because I’m Awesome”! Its time to start feeding my body less and feeding my soul more. I kind of have a feeling that once I stop standing in the way of my own confidence, success and happiness that my weight will fall in line with the life I’m living anyway.

Eating My Feelings

The other day I was lying on the couch channel surfing through boring weekend TV. I eventually stumbled on to a show called Excess Baggage. For anyone who hasnt seen it, they basically get a whole bunch of fat celebrities and a whole bunch of fat everyday australians and they pair them up and make them loose weight together. I was fairly hungover and feeling very fragile so this was perfect viewing for me.

The scene I had tuned in to the trainer had them running up and down a beach. There was this one woman who is a comedian in australia and she was screaming at the trainer “just go away” “Leave me alone” and the trainer turned to her and said “No matter what happens I’m not going to leave you, Im going to stick by you through this”. This woman burst into tears, like an uncontrolable ugly cry. It then cut away to a package about her talking about how her dad left when she was 5 and she has had issues her whole life that people would leave her and that she thinks that has a lot to do with her weight. A year ago I would have said that is absolute crap. Your dad leaving when you were 5 doesnt make you scoff down 5 cheeseburgers when no body is looking!

A year ago it was my brothers 21st and we were going through all the old photo albums having a laugh. I was saying “Woah look how skinny I was when I was young!”  Everyone was like “Yeah, What happened?”. I was curious, so I started flipping through the photos which where in chronological order to pin point the exact moment when I started to blow out. There was a very clear moment when it happened. 4 = skinny, 5 = skinny, 6 skinny, 7 = skinny, 8 = super huge chubby fat kid! So what happened between 7 and 8? My parents got divorced….. I always thought I handled there divorce well for the age I was but the photographic evidence proved that quite clearly I was eating my feelings!

I cant sit here and blame me being fat now on my parents getting divorced when I was 7. That would be ridiculous. What I am saying though is that I established a pattern of eating my feelings at such an early age and created a lifetime of bad habits. I know that part of my pursuit of happiness is finding a healthier me. What I am starting to realize is that these bad habits and issues causing my weight problems are far deeper ingrained in me than I ever imagined.

Has anybody else had this sort of realisation? What have you done to overcome it?