After loosing my virginity to a girl and feeling nothing I knew I was in some serious trouble. One of the biggest lines that I kept telling myself was that “As soon as I had sex with a girl everything would be ok”. I had done that and everything was not ok. Everything was terrible! I had tried everything and I couldn’t shake this stupid “Phase”. I had one last plan though and it was a big one.
I enrolled at the local college to become a bricklayer. In my mind if I could have some good male role models surely they would “set me straight”. If I spent all day every day with manly men surely it would rub off on me. Maybe it could increase my testosterone or something? It was a long shot but it was my last hope. I was determined to beat this thing at any cost.
At the college I made a few friends, one of them, T who is still one of my best mates today. It was good for me. I had to sit around and talk about beer and pussy and cars whether I liked it or not. After a few months there I moved onto my real test, my apprenticeship. If I could be one of the boys on the building site and fit in and work hard then surely that would beat the gay out of me. It had to.
About 6 months in to my apprenticeship I was on top of the world. I was a hard working man. I worked hard during the week, I went out with T and the boys on the weekends picking up chicks and I had even managed to start only watching straight porn. I had this thing beat! 6 long years but I had finally won my battle. I had cured my disease!
Everything was going great, I was finally living the life that I wanted to live. I had won. I had finally done what I had always wanted to do but I couldn’t shake this feeling. I couldn’t understand it. The feeling grew and grew and eventually I came to recognize that feeling. I was living a lie and the more I lived that lie the bigger that feeling grew. It grew into a depression and eventually grew into suicidal thoughts. That feeling took me to some very dark places but I wasn’t going to let it win. I had fought demons before, I wasn’t going to let this one get the better of me…..