The GAYtest Story Ever Told Part 6

After loosing my virginity to a girl and feeling nothing I knew I was in some serious trouble. One of the biggest lines that I kept telling myself was that “As soon as I had sex with a girl everything would be ok”. I had done that and everything was not ok. Everything was terrible! I had tried everything and I couldn’t shake this stupid “Phase”. I had one last plan though and it was a big one.

I enrolled at the local college to become a bricklayer. In my mind if I could have some good male role models surely they would “set me straight”. If I spent all day every day with manly men surely it would rub off on me. Maybe it could increase my testosterone or something? It was a long shot but it was my last hope. I was determined to beat this thing at any cost.

At the college I made a few friends, one of them, T who is still one of my best mates today. It was good for me. I had to sit around and talk about beer and pussy and cars whether I liked it or not. After a few months there I moved onto my real test, my apprenticeship. If I could be one of the boys on the building site and fit in and work hard then surely that would beat the gay out of me. It had to.

About 6 months in to my apprenticeship I was on top of the world. I was a hard working man. I worked hard during the week, I went out with T and the boys on the weekends picking up chicks and I had even managed to start only watching straight porn. I had this thing beat! 6 long years but I had finally won my battle. I had cured my disease!

Everything was going great, I was finally living the life that I wanted to live. I had won. I had finally done what I had always wanted to do but I couldn’t shake this feeling. I couldn’t understand it. The feeling grew and grew and eventually I came to recognize that feeling. I was living a lie and the more I lived that lie the bigger that feeling grew. It grew into a depression and eventually grew into suicidal thoughts. That feeling took me to some very dark places but I wasn’t going to let it win. I had fought demons before, I wasn’t going to let this one get the better of me…..


Finding Happiness

The past week and the next couple of weeks, have been and are going to be pretty hectic for me. It’s a time where everything is coming to fruition. At the end of 2010 I woke up, very unhappy with every aspect of my life. I hated my job, my relationship, my living arrangements, my body, my financial situation and everything else about my life. I was becoming a bitter twisted person and even worse, life was breaking me. Things became so bad that I would get home from work, lock myself in the shower and cry while the water ran to disguise my moans of misery. I would quickly wash the tears off my face and return to the life that I hated with a blank face to hide all the anger, hurt and disappointment I felt inside.

I needed a plan, I needed an out, I needed a fix, I needed anything. I leaped into action. I leased out my house, moved back home, signed up for night school and started heading in a whole new direction. By the middle of the year I had a new career with a great company and an incredible future. A few months later I moved in with a friend of mine and no longer had to live at home. Now the time has come where the lease is up, it’s time for my tenant to leave and for me to move back into my own home. It’s been a crazy year and the final pieces of the plan are coming together. It’s amazing to think that in a little over a year I have turned all those things around. I’m not saying that my life is now perfect or anything but I can at least say now that I am happy most of the time which is a lot more than I could say a year ago.

Looking back at how much I accomplished in this past year makes me wonder how much I can accomplish in the upcoming year. Last year there was a major focus on career, making as many changes as possible and finding myself. This year some of the things I would like to focus on are fitness, finances, finding happiness in the simple things, spending more time with people who make me smile and less time with people who don’t. Is there anything I have missed? What are some of your goals this year?