Money Money Money

Before the cowboy, there was the punk. I didn’t really think he was much of a punk but he very much liked to think of himself as one so I went with it. He was about 5 years younger than me but we were very much on the same level of maturity. While the cowboy left me with scratches and bruises, the punk left me crippled with internal bleeding. In actuality he left me with swelling on the brain after running me over with his car one night.  Yeah….. we were that dramatic couple.

We were on and off so often that at times even I found it hard to keep up with where we were at. We would fight and do the most dispicable things to each other and then go right on back to being Ty and the punk as if nothing had ever happened. This went on for over 2 years and by the end I was a shell of my former self. I had tried everything to make it work but in the end I realised you just cant turn dog shit into diamonds.

For most of the time that we were together I had a failing business. It constantly kept me down emotionally and mentally. I always felt like I wasnt a good enough provider and therefore a good enough boyfriend. Although in the end I realised that things were shit, there was still always a small part of me that thought “If I had money, maybe things would have been different”. That stupid thought planted itself deep in my brain and eventually became a belief. Somehow I started to believe that if I was to ever have a boyfriend again that I needed money…. and lots of it. The more money I had, the more guys that would be interested in me.

So recently I met this guy. We started chatting and he seemed really nice. It wasnt until after our first date that I realised this guy was easily the richest guy I had ever dated and not by a little bit either. He would be easily 10 times richer than the second richest dude I’ve dated. (Not that I only date rich dudes, my last boyfriend was unemployed) Anyway, this guy had all this money but he had no success with guys or relationships. I couldnt understand it. As I got to know him better I started to see why. While he absolutely ticked the box of being successful, other boxes like personality, humour and fitness were left very blank. He was everything that I wanted to be, my idea of “the ideal man” and yet even I didnt want to date him.

It made me realise that even if I do make a tonne of money. If I ignore all the other aspects of my life then guys still wont want to be with me. Im even starting to think that maybe a lot of guys dont put success at the top of their list when looking for a boyfriend. Maybe things like sense of humour, hot body, able to hold a conversation, great in bed are more important? What is the most important thing you look for in a guy?

Lesson for today: Having the perfect bank balance wont make me happy but being happy will make me perfect.

16 Months

*Warning – If you are related to me or don’t want to know intimate details of my sex life you should probably skip today’s post*

In previous posts I have spoken of my celibacy or ‘dry spell’. It has now been 16 months of me not having sex, a long time by anyone’s standards. It has probably been the longest dry spell I have had since I have been out. In the start it was by choice. After yet another failed relationship I decided I didn’t want to sleep with anyone else until I met “The One”. In the start it was kind of refreshing. I had a lot more spare time to do things I enjoyed. I never had to sit around starring at my phone thinking “Will he call?” “Maybe he didn’t like that thing I did with my tongue, maybe that’s why he isn’t calling, maybe I’m weird.” Best of all though, for the first time in a long time I could focus on making me happy, not trying to make someone else happy.

It had been a long time since I had focused on me and it was long overdue. You see, I came out at what I consider quite late, the ripe old age of 21. By this stage all my friends had been playing the dating game for a fair few years and now that I had all my shit sorted, I felt like I had some catching up to do. I had the older boyfriend, the rich boyfriend, the clingy boyfriend, the fuck buddy, the casual fuck, the threesome and way too many one night stands, all within my first year of coming out. You could say I made up for lost time. By the end of that year, I was lost, confused and broken hearted.

While I enjoyed exploring my sexuality, finding out what I do like and what I don’t like, it wasn’t me. It didn’t fit with who I was as a person. I was most definately the boyfriend type. I liked the snuggling in bed and the kissing and all the cute shit that came with having a boyfriend. So I started to settle down. I had the long distance boyfriend, the young boyfriend, the emotionally distant boyfriend, the young boyfriend again and then the cowboy. By the end of a pile of failed relationships I was the one left feeling like a failure. Which is when I decided the whole thing was just too damn hard and started my vow of celibacy.

In the past 16 months of putting a lot more effort into me, I’ve grown as a person. I’ve accomplished things in my career that I never thought possible, Ive made some of the best friends, I’ve built this blog, I’ve moved into my own home and started renovating it. I’ve made more progress in my life than ever before. But now that all the other areas of my life are coming together, I feel now more than ever that I am ready to end the “dry season”. My problem now is, I don’t feel like I’m quite ready for another relationship, and I’ve done the meaningless sex thing when I was younger and didn’t enjoy it. So what’s a man to do? Do I give casual sex another go (I might like it as an adult) Or do I just wait until I am ready for another relationship? Is there a happy medium that I am blissfully unaware of?

Should I be friends with my closeted ex boyfriend?

Dear Ty
I was recently in a relationship with a guy. We both really liked each other and hit it off really well. Everything was great until he broke up with me. He told me that deep down he wanted a wife and kids and was going to pursue that. We were each other’s first real relationship. He told me we could still be friends. So, we’re friends and he’s still wrestling with his sexuality. The big thing for him is he does not want to lose the acceptance and respect from his family if he lives out his sexuality. His parents do not accept him because of their beliefs. I want to live my life to the fullest as a gay man and have the relationship with another man that I have always dreamed of. What should I do?
 
Lesley
 
Hi Lesley,
 
Thanks for writing to me. I feel there are 2 main parts to this email. Being friends with your ex and dating a closet. Let me start with being friends with an ex.
 
I dont think being friends with an ex straight after you have broken up is ever a good idea for anyone. If you have really made a connection with someone, that doesnt disolve over night (no matter how much sometimes you wish it would). Once a connection has been made it takes time for those feelings and emotions to settle and sometimes it can take a very long time. Going into a friendship with all those feelings and emotions simmering away is a recipe for disaster. It usually alwasy ends up in fights and arguements and someone getting hurt. Dont get me wrong, some people can do it, but be very honest with yourself. If you are not one of those people who can easily shut down your feelings then friends after a break up is not a good idea.
 
Now the second problem you have here is dating someone in the closeted guy. This is extremely difficult because its something our straight counterparts dont have to deal with so it can be very hard at times to find good advice on the matter. My opinion is that unless you like being hurt or find being dumped for no reason fun, then you should never date a closeted guy. If someone is in the closet it is generally because they havent yet come to terms with who they are. They are in for a long rocky road of self discovery, and call me crazy but I dont think a rocky road is the best place to build the foundations of a relationship on. My best advice is to keep loving yourself and keep an eye out for someone who is ready and in the right mindset to start something. If it is really meant to be with this other guy then maybe once he has come to terms with his sexuallity and found who he is things will pan out for the two of you.
 
I hope that helped and rememeber if anyone ever has any questions don’t be afraid to email ty@ty-curious.com

Gay Kiss

So for those of you who dont know I’m a ridiculously huge glee fan. It’s like inside me lives the gayest man alive and there is 2 times where he comes out. When I am drunk and when I am watching glee!

I was watching tonights episode and I have to say I am outraged! In it the 2 gay characters Kurt and Blaine where going through some dramas and they decided to see the school counsellor to sort things out. In the start there where some petty squables and then it turned and Blaine started pouring his heart out to Kurt about how much he loved him, about how he was scared to lose him. It definately tugged on my old hearts strings. He then turned to Kurt and says “Your the love of my life”. They both tear up, they lean towards each other and they….. hug!

Hug?!? Are you mother fucking serious? This guy has just poured out his heart and soul, They have both been deeply touched by this experience and they fucking hug! This shit is just not on. It was so unrealistic and had it been any other couple they would have kissed like any other normal person would in that situation.

Now I’m not angry at the makers of glee. They have done wonders in bringing gay rights to the attention of everyday people. Much more than their fair share and I give them credit for that. What upsets me is that we live in a world where they didnt feel comfortable, where it would have been to controversial to put in another gay kiss. It was a kick in the guts to think that in 2012 we still aren’t ready for that.

After being lifted so high by FINALLY seeing a realistic portrayal of what a gay couple really act like, to then have them hug was so disappointing. What do you think? Is society ready for another gay kiss or is it too soon?

The Cowboy’s Trick

Regular readers of ty-curious.com you would have heard me mention the cowboy on a few occaisions. He was my last serious relationship. Things busted up between us about 14 months ago on fairly amicable terms but we both deleted each other from facebook.

When I first met the cowboy he laid down the law that if we wanted to be together there would be no going to go gay clubs or gay pubs and no hanging out in gay places or with gay people. At the time I had had my fill of the scene as was growing more and more tired of it. I also looked back at other relationships and realised how much other gay dudes had meddled in my relationships and made things far harder than they had to be, so I agreed to these terms. As time went on there was also a facebook clause added to the rules. I was asked to delete all gay people from my facebook, regardless of wheather they were friends or not. Eventually I reluctantly agreed.

Although I didnt want to completely cut myself off from all other gay people, I could see his point. If my past was anything to go by, being a gay couple and mingling with other gay guys was a constant source of jealousy and fighting which most of the time was spawned over nothing at all. He encouraged me to leave the gay world behind me and rejoin the real world. I appreciated it massively. It was one of the healthiest relationships I have ever had, no dramas, no complications just simple and easy. I learnt a lot from it and because of that I earned giant respect for the cowboy.

The problem was that when we broke up I was left alone, completely cut off from the gay world. I had deleted all my gay friends from facebook, I was unsure if I even had their phone numbers still. I could try re-adding them but would they want to accept after I deleted them for no reason? Would they want to talk to me after I cut them off for 6 months. I couldnt go out and meet new gay people because I had no one to go with. I was stuck and isolated. I have struggled to make new gay friends or reconnect old gay friendships and still feel very isolated. Luckily though, I have some pretty amazing straight people in my life that keep me going.

So last night I was cruising through facebook and the cowboys name popped up on a friend of a friends status. I couldnt help myself, I had to have a bit of a stalk. I was absolutely shocked. He had so many gay friends and all his statuses were about going out to the gay pub every weekend. I was stunned. I know people grow and change, and it had been over a year but, he had turned into the complete opposite person of the guy I used to know. I became enraged. He forced me out of that world and spent hours convincing me how bad it was for me and how I shouldnt be a part of it. It now seems that the second we broke up he just jumped straight back onto the gay scene and became a “Scene Queen”.

Im now left wondering, was I tricked? All the reasons I beleived to stay away where put into my head by him, the guy who is now there every weekend. I dont know what to beleive now. What do you think? Is it better to keep the company of straight people, Do you like to only surround yourself with other gays or Do you like a mix of both?

Is My Celibacy Offensive?

The regular readers of ty-curious.com will know that I havent had sex in over a year. After my relationship with the cowboy ended the last thing on my mind was sex. After a while I just got used to going without it. After even longer I felt revirginised and felt I should hold out til Mr Right came along. These days I dont even know why I am not doing it, maybe its a form of self torture, maybe its nerves, maybe I have over hyped it. I think the majority of my reason is that I am not 100% comfotable with my body at the moment, and its been so long that I’m kinda scared to get naked in front of someone, especially a stranger. I know I’m not disgusting or anything but I also know that my body is not at the point where I feel comfortable showing it off.

Whatever it is, when I’m chatting to guys I let them know pretty early on in the show that I havent been with anyone in a long time. I think it gives a good indicator of where I’m at and that they have 0% chance of hooking up if that is all they are looking for. The strange thing is that lately I have had a few weird reactions. A couple of guys have turned and said “Im a total slut compared to you” “You make me look like a whore” “Ok Mother Theresa”. They seem to take offense at my choice to not hook up, as if my choices reflect badly on them because they do. I in no way think that sleeping around is a bad thing. I totally get it, hey sometimes I even want to do it too. But I know myself well enough to know that right now that is not what I want. Maybe one day that will change, maybe one day soon. Until that day though I am going to stand strong and do what I beleive is best for me.

The thing that has got me thinking is that I’m a 27 year old grown ass man, I like to think that I know myself pretty well and that I have a decent amount of self confidence. That being said, even I am feeling the pressure to “join the darkside” to be like everyone else on grindr and manhunt. I can’t begin to imagine what it is like for young guys coming out onto the gay dating scene. What do you think? Are guys against celibacy? Is there a certain level of pressure to “be like everyone else” on these sites?

Too Gay

I’m a pretty ordinary looking guy and I know people mean the best when they say this to me but it absolutely infuriates me when straight people tell me “Your alright because your not that gay, I just hate those gay guys that are like all in your face about it”. Oh well, I guess your ok then, it’s not really homophobia if you only hate some gay people!

But hey, being a gay man you kinda get used to straight people not really getting it sometimes. What abso-fucking-lutely makes me want to loose my shit is when gay people pull the exact same shit!

All this no femmes, no queens, straight acting only bullshit pisses me off more than anything! If you had any idea how much courage these guys have, to look and dress however they feel most comfortable and not let all of the narrow minded bigots out there get them down, you would commend them. You want to talk about being a real man? That’s being a real man, having the strength to be yourself regardless of what anyone thinks.

I’m so sick of people beating down femmes or guys that are too gay. I have nothing but respect for this type of guy, I actually wish that I had the courage to be more like them.

So always remember, there’s no such thing as too gay, but there is such thing as too bigoted!

If your guilty of spreading hate against the really gay guys share this post and earn some good gay karma!