16 Months

*Warning – If you are related to me or don’t want to know intimate details of my sex life you should probably skip today’s post*

In previous posts I have spoken of my celibacy or ‘dry spell’. It has now been 16 months of me not having sex, a long time by anyone’s standards. It has probably been the longest dry spell I have had since I have been out. In the start it was by choice. After yet another failed relationship I decided I didn’t want to sleep with anyone else until I met “The One”. In the start it was kind of refreshing. I had a lot more spare time to do things I enjoyed. I never had to sit around starring at my phone thinking “Will he call?” “Maybe he didn’t like that thing I did with my tongue, maybe that’s why he isn’t calling, maybe I’m weird.” Best of all though, for the first time in a long time I could focus on making me happy, not trying to make someone else happy.

It had been a long time since I had focused on me and it was long overdue. You see, I came out at what I consider quite late, the ripe old age of 21. By this stage all my friends had been playing the dating game for a fair few years and now that I had all my shit sorted, I felt like I had some catching up to do. I had the older boyfriend, the rich boyfriend, the clingy boyfriend, the fuck buddy, the casual fuck, the threesome and way too many one night stands, all within my first year of coming out. You could say I made up for lost time. By the end of that year, I was lost, confused and broken hearted.

While I enjoyed exploring my sexuality, finding out what I do like and what I don’t like, it wasn’t me. It didn’t fit with who I was as a person. I was most definately the boyfriend type. I liked the snuggling in bed and the kissing and all the cute shit that came with having a boyfriend. So I started to settle down. I had the long distance boyfriend, the young boyfriend, the emotionally distant boyfriend, the young boyfriend again and then the cowboy. By the end of a pile of failed relationships I was the one left feeling like a failure. Which is when I decided the whole thing was just too damn hard and started my vow of celibacy.

In the past 16 months of putting a lot more effort into me, I’ve grown as a person. I’ve accomplished things in my career that I never thought possible, Ive made some of the best friends, I’ve built this blog, I’ve moved into my own home and started renovating it. I’ve made more progress in my life than ever before. But now that all the other areas of my life are coming together, I feel now more than ever that I am ready to end the “dry season”. My problem now is, I don’t feel like I’m quite ready for another relationship, and I’ve done the meaningless sex thing when I was younger and didn’t enjoy it. So what’s a man to do? Do I give casual sex another go (I might like it as an adult) Or do I just wait until I am ready for another relationship? Is there a happy medium that I am blissfully unaware of?

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The GAYtest Story Ever Told Part 7

After surpressing the truth about who I was for so long I was in a bad place. I was drinking a lot, taking all sorts of drugs as well as anti depressants. I was doing anything I could to just numb all the feelings. I was growing more and more tired of fighting against everything that was going on in my head. I was tired of keeping secrets and living lies.

One night me and T decided to hit the clubs with a few other mates. T met this girl and we all went back to one of our mates places. We all ended up sitting around a table drinking beers and talking shit. The table goes quiet and the girl turns to me and says “So how long have you been gay for?” I almost shat my pants. I was speechless. Never in my life had anyone just called me out on my sexuallity. Still in shock and unable to speak I hear all my mates start saying “What the fuck are you talking about? Ty aint gay” I agreed with them and then they all really went in to bat for me. They all told this girl how far off she was. I was so happy that at least if I was falling apart on the inside that I must have been keeping up appearances on the outside.

That girl soon enough became part of our group and me and her became fairly close. I thought I had convinced her of my sexuality and everything was fine. Boy was I wrong! A few months later after a big night at the pub me and her ended up going home together just the two of us. We sat in the lounge room and chatted for a bit. It was about 1 in the morning and I had to be up at 5 for work so I said I better head to bed. As I got up she tackled me to the ground and said “I know your gay and I’m not letting you go to bed until you admit it”. I couldn’t believe it. I argued and denied it but she wasn’t having a bar of it. I was so tired and drunk and I guess I had been wanting to say something for a while so I finally blurted out “Im Bi”, pushed her off and charged to my bedroom.

Within a couple of days all our friends knew and everyone took it surprisingly well. I was so worried how T would take it as he was my best mate and the straightest man alive. He took it as good as the rest. I couldn’t believe it, I was finally free of all the bullshit. The more people found out the more I found out that nobody cared. I had put myself through years of tourment for nothing. I soon gained the courage to ditch the Bi tag and fully admitted I was gay. I was finally free to be me! I would go on to have many adventures in my new life as a gay man but they are stories for another day….

The GAYtest Story Ever Told Part 6

After loosing my virginity to a girl and feeling nothing I knew I was in some serious trouble. One of the biggest lines that I kept telling myself was that “As soon as I had sex with a girl everything would be ok”. I had done that and everything was not ok. Everything was terrible! I had tried everything and I couldn’t shake this stupid “Phase”. I had one last plan though and it was a big one.

I enrolled at the local college to become a bricklayer. In my mind if I could have some good male role models surely they would “set me straight”. If I spent all day every day with manly men surely it would rub off on me. Maybe it could increase my testosterone or something? It was a long shot but it was my last hope. I was determined to beat this thing at any cost.

At the college I made a few friends, one of them, T who is still one of my best mates today. It was good for me. I had to sit around and talk about beer and pussy and cars whether I liked it or not. After a few months there I moved onto my real test, my apprenticeship. If I could be one of the boys on the building site and fit in and work hard then surely that would beat the gay out of me. It had to.

About 6 months in to my apprenticeship I was on top of the world. I was a hard working man. I worked hard during the week, I went out with T and the boys on the weekends picking up chicks and I had even managed to start only watching straight porn. I had this thing beat! 6 long years but I had finally won my battle. I had cured my disease!

Everything was going great, I was finally living the life that I wanted to live. I had won. I had finally done what I had always wanted to do but I couldn’t shake this feeling. I couldn’t understand it. The feeling grew and grew and eventually I came to recognize that feeling. I was living a lie and the more I lived that lie the bigger that feeling grew. It grew into a depression and eventually grew into suicidal thoughts. That feeling took me to some very dark places but I wasn’t going to let it win. I had fought demons before, I wasn’t going to let this one get the better of me…..

When Two Worlds Collide

When I was young I started to realize I was different. I slowly but surely was figuring out that I was gay. I didn’t want to be gay. I wanted to live a normal life, I wanted to fit in. I didn’t want to be different.

As I got older I realised that I liked different things to all the other boys. I liked different music, different clothes, different movies. I started to realise that if I was ever going to fit in that this needed to change. That’s when it started. I found things that I had in common with other boys and only talked about those interests when I was with them. I would then go home and do the things I liked that I knew made me different. I unknowingly at a young age had made a divide in my life, what I would later call my gay world and my straight world.

As I got older my straight world became a larger part of my life. I became a tradie, I would drink with the boys down the pub, talk about cars and do everything I thought a man was supposed to do. My gay world was taking a back seat for a while but it wouldn’t be long before it came bursting out. After a couple of years I admitted to myself and everyone else that I was gay. I was finally free to be open about my other world. The problem was that I had spent so many years keeping these worlds separate, it was just normal to me to keep doing that.

I went off by myself and explored my gay world and made gay friends. When I had my fill I would come back and do the same old things I had always done with my straight friends. Over the years these worlds grew and changed, completely independently of each other. The two worlds never mixed.

Occasionally I would get drunk or be tired and Gay Ty would slip out in front of my straight friends or Straight Ty would slip in front of my gay friends. Whenever this happened, people would be absolutely shocked. I actually had people sit down and tell me how much it freaked them out, how they thought they knew me but all of a sudden a complete different person was there… in my body.

Only recently have I realised that there is no gay world or straight world…. They are the same fucking place. On top of that I’m starting to realise how unhealthy it is to have 2 completely separate personalities. It’s something I have struggled with for a long time. As long as I can remember, I actually don’t know any other way to live. I could never give up either one (not for lack of trying) they are both a massive part of who I am. Maybe it’s time to be the best of both? I can’t expect peace within the world until I find peace within myself right?

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What a man

Coming out is a difficult process. A massive part of it is conquering the fear that your friends and family won’t accept you for who you are. Generally, or at least in my case, I found that once I overcame that fear I was free to be me. It’s a very freeing experience. All of a sudden all of societies expectations of who you should be no longer apply. You can do whatever and be whoever you are.

One of the hardest things I found was that society generally has 2 distinct gender roles. Masculine and Feminine. Boys like blue, girls like pink. Boys like trucks and dirt, girls like barbies and ponies. This carries on into adulthood, men drink beer, women drink wine and so on and so on.

But what happens when you are no longer restricted by the likes and dislikes that society imposes on you based on your gender? You are free to blur the lines between these two however you may please. I know blurring gender lines isn’t exclusive to gay and lesbian people but I would definitely say that there is a higher rate of it. I know in my case when I did come out I explored the many options that where available to me because I no longer felt like “I can’t do that because I’m a boy”. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a man and love being a man but I no longer felt societies persuasion in what it meant for me to be a man.

I like having a beard or at least stubble at all times. I like spray on tans. I like hard physical labour. I like art and being creative. I like wearing my dirty old ripped up jeans. I like wearing pink shirts. I like camping. I also like dancing. I’m my very own unique mix.

What your definition of being a man? Does it have anything to do with societies expectations or do you have your own definition?

Celery and Hamburgers

Dear Ty,

My best friend just told me he was gay. I have a crush on him and love him so much. I am trying to understand, whats the difference between putting it in a boys butt hole and my vagina? Wouldn’t it be the same? Why cant he just do the things he wants to do to boys to me?

Wendy

Hi Wendy,

Sounds like you have got yourself into a pretty complicated situation but dont worry, many a girl before you has had a crush on a gay man and I can assure you, you wont be the last to do so. I have been asked this question hundreds of times, “Why cant you just stick it in a girls hole? Is’nt it basically the same thing?”. The best way I can describe it is like this. Sex with a girl is like celery, and sex with a boy is like a hamburger. I can eat celery, It will do its job and fill me with nourishment but thats about it. It wont taste good, I wont enjoy it, It wont satisfy my cravings. On the other had I can eat a hamburger and completely enjoy it. The taste the smell, everything about it will leave me completely satisfied. If your friend only likes hamburgers theres not much point in forcing him to eat celery, hes not going to enjoy it and you deserve someone who loves eating celery!

-Ty

 

Remember you can ask me anything any time by emailing me at ty@ty-curious.com

High School Reunion

So last night was my 10 year high school reunion. I’d watched Romy and Micheles High School Reunion way too many times to have any sort of realistic expectations of the night. All I knew was that I was about to walk into a room full of people who were from another life, a life where I was pretending to be straight and I had no idea what to expect.

I walked in and the first person I saw was her, the ex best friend who cut me out of her life 5 years ago because her boyfriend didn’t like me. I was in a whole world of awkward and I knew I wasn’t going to last long in this place, especially not sober! So I charged through to the bar and started with a double bourbon and coke.

While at the bar I scoped out the room. There wasn’t many people there yet but I did notice that barely anyone had partners with them. This made me a lot more relaxed. One of my biggest fears for the night was that everyone would be married and I’d be shunned to the single corner. As more and more people showed up I realized almost no one brought their partners. It was shaping up to be a good night after all.

There where a few moments where I did have to answer awkward questions like “where’s your girlfriend?” but overall most people already knew through Facebook and the response was overwhelmingly positive. I even had a couple of people bring up my blog. Big shout out to Dane and Rebecca, you guys made my night!

I’d always wondered what it would have been like if I came out in high school. It’s awesome to now know that if I had been ready to take that step back then, I would have had some good, accepting people around me.