After surpressing the truth about who I was for so long I was in a bad place. I was drinking a lot, taking all sorts of drugs as well as anti depressants. I was doing anything I could to just numb all the feelings. I was growing more and more tired of fighting against everything that was going on in my head. I was tired of keeping secrets and living lies.
One night me and T decided to hit the clubs with a few other mates. T met this girl and we all went back to one of our mates places. We all ended up sitting around a table drinking beers and talking shit. The table goes quiet and the girl turns to me and says “So how long have you been gay for?” I almost shat my pants. I was speechless. Never in my life had anyone just called me out on my sexuallity. Still in shock and unable to speak I hear all my mates start saying “What the fuck are you talking about? Ty aint gay” I agreed with them and then they all really went in to bat for me. They all told this girl how far off she was. I was so happy that at least if I was falling apart on the inside that I must have been keeping up appearances on the outside.
That girl soon enough became part of our group and me and her became fairly close. I thought I had convinced her of my sexuality and everything was fine. Boy was I wrong! A few months later after a big night at the pub me and her ended up going home together just the two of us. We sat in the lounge room and chatted for a bit. It was about 1 in the morning and I had to be up at 5 for work so I said I better head to bed. As I got up she tackled me to the ground and said “I know your gay and I’m not letting you go to bed until you admit it”. I couldn’t believe it. I argued and denied it but she wasn’t having a bar of it. I was so tired and drunk and I guess I had been wanting to say something for a while so I finally blurted out “Im Bi”, pushed her off and charged to my bedroom.
Within a couple of days all our friends knew and everyone took it surprisingly well. I was so worried how T would take it as he was my best mate and the straightest man alive. He took it as good as the rest. I couldn’t believe it, I was finally free of all the bullshit. The more people found out the more I found out that nobody cared. I had put myself through years of tourment for nothing. I soon gained the courage to ditch the Bi tag and fully admitted I was gay. I was finally free to be me! I would go on to have many adventures in my new life as a gay man but they are stories for another day….
After my realization I spent a good few years carrying my secret around and fighting against my “gayness”. I thought it was something that I could over come or a phase. I tried everything I could to “cure my disease”. One time I even tried only thinking about girls. I lasted for 2 weeks until I had a dream where there was a beautiful woman in a bikini and a man in board shorts, they were both tied to poles in the middle of the desert and I could only save one of them. Much to my disgust I saved the man and we rode into the sunset together. By this point I was about to start my final year of school and had been fighting my “illness” for a few years but it was a fight I was losing.
First day of the final year of High School rolled around. I met everyone on the steps at the front of the school where we would all usually hang out. We made our way to our classes and did the usual first day routine. At reccess I met my group of friends (mainly girls) at the same tree we had all sat by the year before. I couldn’t help but notice there was someone new with them. I was introduced to him. His name was Jason and he was from New Zealand. I was also told that he was gay.
I think I almost shat my pants. I didn’t know what to do or say. I had never met another gay person before, let alone one my age. My mind started racing, Would he be able to tell that I was gay too? I didn’t even know if I was gay but if I was, was there a way he could tell? How was he so comfortable with just telling everyone? Wasn’t he afraid of the bashings or consequences that would follow? I can’t remember talking much that day. My mind was racing far too fast and I still had a secret to protect.
Over the following months Jason was never teased or bullied, in fact, everyone loved him. I couldn’t believe it. The consequences that I had feared so hard didn’t seem to exist. By this time Jason and I had become friends and people started having their suspicions that I was gay too. Jason’s courage inspired me and I decided to start letting my secret out. I finally told him and a few of the girls in our group of friends.
As in every high school word started to spread. I noticed people looking at me differently or walking past whispering. It was all too much, I mean I didn’t even know if I was a gay. I didn’t want people to treat me differently for something that I might not even be! I quickly told everyone that it was all a big practical joke and that I definitely wasn’t gay. Looking back now I wonder how many people actually believed it.
I crawled back into my dark little closet and started my fight against gayness all over again. I wasn’t going to let it win this time and now I knew no matter what I definitely didn’t want to be gay!
When I was young I started to realize I was different. I slowly but surely was figuring out that I was gay. I didn’t want to be gay. I wanted to live a normal life, I wanted to fit in. I didn’t want to be different.
As I got older I realised that I liked different things to all the other boys. I liked different music, different clothes, different movies. I started to realise that if I was ever going to fit in that this needed to change. That’s when it started. I found things that I had in common with other boys and only talked about those interests when I was with them. I would then go home and do the things I liked that I knew made me different. I unknowingly at a young age had made a divide in my life, what I would later call my gay world and my straight world.
As I got older my straight world became a larger part of my life. I became a tradie, I would drink with the boys down the pub, talk about cars and do everything I thought a man was supposed to do. My gay world was taking a back seat for a while but it wouldn’t be long before it came bursting out. After a couple of years I admitted to myself and everyone else that I was gay. I was finally free to be open about my other world. The problem was that I had spent so many years keeping these worlds separate, it was just normal to me to keep doing that.
I went off by myself and explored my gay world and made gay friends. When I had my fill I would come back and do the same old things I had always done with my straight friends. Over the years these worlds grew and changed, completely independently of each other. The two worlds never mixed.
Occasionally I would get drunk or be tired and Gay Ty would slip out in front of my straight friends or Straight Ty would slip in front of my gay friends. Whenever this happened, people would be absolutely shocked. I actually had people sit down and tell me how much it freaked them out, how they thought they knew me but all of a sudden a complete different person was there… in my body.
Only recently have I realised that there is no gay world or straight world…. They are the same fucking place. On top of that I’m starting to realise how unhealthy it is to have 2 completely separate personalities. It’s something I have struggled with for a long time. As long as I can remember, I actually don’t know any other way to live. I could never give up either one (not for lack of trying) they are both a massive part of who I am. Maybe it’s time to be the best of both? I can’t expect peace within the world until I find peace within myself right?