Money Money Money

Before the cowboy, there was the punk. I didn’t really think he was much of a punk but he very much liked to think of himself as one so I went with it. He was about 5 years younger than me but we were very much on the same level of maturity. While the cowboy left me with scratches and bruises, the punk left me crippled with internal bleeding. In actuality he left me with swelling on the brain after running me over with his car one night.  Yeah….. we were that dramatic couple.

We were on and off so often that at times even I found it hard to keep up with where we were at. We would fight and do the most dispicable things to each other and then go right on back to being Ty and the punk as if nothing had ever happened. This went on for over 2 years and by the end I was a shell of my former self. I had tried everything to make it work but in the end I realised you just cant turn dog shit into diamonds.

For most of the time that we were together I had a failing business. It constantly kept me down emotionally and mentally. I always felt like I wasnt a good enough provider and therefore a good enough boyfriend. Although in the end I realised that things were shit, there was still always a small part of me that thought “If I had money, maybe things would have been different”. That stupid thought planted itself deep in my brain and eventually became a belief. Somehow I started to believe that if I was to ever have a boyfriend again that I needed money…. and lots of it. The more money I had, the more guys that would be interested in me.

So recently I met this guy. We started chatting and he seemed really nice. It wasnt until after our first date that I realised this guy was easily the richest guy I had ever dated and not by a little bit either. He would be easily 10 times richer than the second richest dude I’ve dated. (Not that I only date rich dudes, my last boyfriend was unemployed) Anyway, this guy had all this money but he had no success with guys or relationships. I couldnt understand it. As I got to know him better I started to see why. While he absolutely ticked the box of being successful, other boxes like personality, humour and fitness were left very blank. He was everything that I wanted to be, my idea of “the ideal man” and yet even I didnt want to date him.

It made me realise that even if I do make a tonne of money. If I ignore all the other aspects of my life then guys still wont want to be with me. Im even starting to think that maybe a lot of guys dont put success at the top of their list when looking for a boyfriend. Maybe things like sense of humour, hot body, able to hold a conversation, great in bed are more important? What is the most important thing you look for in a guy?

Lesson for today: Having the perfect bank balance wont make me happy but being happy will make me perfect.

16 Months

*Warning – If you are related to me or don’t want to know intimate details of my sex life you should probably skip today’s post*

In previous posts I have spoken of my celibacy or ‘dry spell’. It has now been 16 months of me not having sex, a long time by anyone’s standards. It has probably been the longest dry spell I have had since I have been out. In the start it was by choice. After yet another failed relationship I decided I didn’t want to sleep with anyone else until I met “The One”. In the start it was kind of refreshing. I had a lot more spare time to do things I enjoyed. I never had to sit around starring at my phone thinking “Will he call?” “Maybe he didn’t like that thing I did with my tongue, maybe that’s why he isn’t calling, maybe I’m weird.” Best of all though, for the first time in a long time I could focus on making me happy, not trying to make someone else happy.

It had been a long time since I had focused on me and it was long overdue. You see, I came out at what I consider quite late, the ripe old age of 21. By this stage all my friends had been playing the dating game for a fair few years and now that I had all my shit sorted, I felt like I had some catching up to do. I had the older boyfriend, the rich boyfriend, the clingy boyfriend, the fuck buddy, the casual fuck, the threesome and way too many one night stands, all within my first year of coming out. You could say I made up for lost time. By the end of that year, I was lost, confused and broken hearted.

While I enjoyed exploring my sexuality, finding out what I do like and what I don’t like, it wasn’t me. It didn’t fit with who I was as a person. I was most definately the boyfriend type. I liked the snuggling in bed and the kissing and all the cute shit that came with having a boyfriend. So I started to settle down. I had the long distance boyfriend, the young boyfriend, the emotionally distant boyfriend, the young boyfriend again and then the cowboy. By the end of a pile of failed relationships I was the one left feeling like a failure. Which is when I decided the whole thing was just too damn hard and started my vow of celibacy.

In the past 16 months of putting a lot more effort into me, I’ve grown as a person. I’ve accomplished things in my career that I never thought possible, Ive made some of the best friends, I’ve built this blog, I’ve moved into my own home and started renovating it. I’ve made more progress in my life than ever before. But now that all the other areas of my life are coming together, I feel now more than ever that I am ready to end the “dry season”. My problem now is, I don’t feel like I’m quite ready for another relationship, and I’ve done the meaningless sex thing when I was younger and didn’t enjoy it. So what’s a man to do? Do I give casual sex another go (I might like it as an adult) Or do I just wait until I am ready for another relationship? Is there a happy medium that I am blissfully unaware of?

Should I be friends with my closeted ex boyfriend?

Dear Ty
I was recently in a relationship with a guy. We both really liked each other and hit it off really well. Everything was great until he broke up with me. He told me that deep down he wanted a wife and kids and was going to pursue that. We were each other’s first real relationship. He told me we could still be friends. So, we’re friends and he’s still wrestling with his sexuality. The big thing for him is he does not want to lose the acceptance and respect from his family if he lives out his sexuality. His parents do not accept him because of their beliefs. I want to live my life to the fullest as a gay man and have the relationship with another man that I have always dreamed of. What should I do?
 
Lesley
 
Hi Lesley,
 
Thanks for writing to me. I feel there are 2 main parts to this email. Being friends with your ex and dating a closet. Let me start with being friends with an ex.
 
I dont think being friends with an ex straight after you have broken up is ever a good idea for anyone. If you have really made a connection with someone, that doesnt disolve over night (no matter how much sometimes you wish it would). Once a connection has been made it takes time for those feelings and emotions to settle and sometimes it can take a very long time. Going into a friendship with all those feelings and emotions simmering away is a recipe for disaster. It usually alwasy ends up in fights and arguements and someone getting hurt. Dont get me wrong, some people can do it, but be very honest with yourself. If you are not one of those people who can easily shut down your feelings then friends after a break up is not a good idea.
 
Now the second problem you have here is dating someone in the closeted guy. This is extremely difficult because its something our straight counterparts dont have to deal with so it can be very hard at times to find good advice on the matter. My opinion is that unless you like being hurt or find being dumped for no reason fun, then you should never date a closeted guy. If someone is in the closet it is generally because they havent yet come to terms with who they are. They are in for a long rocky road of self discovery, and call me crazy but I dont think a rocky road is the best place to build the foundations of a relationship on. My best advice is to keep loving yourself and keep an eye out for someone who is ready and in the right mindset to start something. If it is really meant to be with this other guy then maybe once he has come to terms with his sexuallity and found who he is things will pan out for the two of you.
 
I hope that helped and rememeber if anyone ever has any questions don’t be afraid to email ty@ty-curious.com

Dating Farts

Dear Ty,

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 months now. He is my first boyfriend so this is all new to me. Last night I was lying in bed with him and my stomach was in so much pain. I needed to fart bad! I could feel my stomach turning, It felt like somebody was doing back flips in there. Is it too soon to fart in front of my boyfriend? How long should I wait?

– Gassy Gay Guy

Hi GGG,

This question is an easy one, the answer is simple. You should never fart in front of your boyfriend! That shit is just nasty. For us gay guys that is your sex hole and I dont know about the rest of you but I wouldnt be super keen to put my dick in there after I have smelt some rotten ass gas come out of it. I just don’t agree with these people who just bare all in front of their partners. I’m a bit old fashioned and I believe there are times you should keep some mystery alive and this is definately one of those times. If you absolutely need to, excuse yourself and go to the bathroom or outside for a ciggarette or to put the garbage out. Any excuse will do. What do you all think? Is farting in front of your partner disgusting or do you think its perfectly normal?

 

Remember, you can ask me anything any time by emailing me at ty@ty-curious.com

The Worst First Date

So after my failed date with Pluck I was more determined then ever to find me a husband. Somehow in my mind it had twisted from a simple search for someone to date into a soul consuming search for a husband. I guess it was a combination of one of my best friends getting engaged and me turning 27. In my mind I had always imagined I’d be married by 27, or at least engaged, or at least in a relationship, or at least have a glimmer of hope that I wasn’t going to die alone surrounded by 16 cats. So I became hell bent on my mission to find someone.

I jumped back on grindr the day after my birthday celebrations. Straight away I got a message from a new guy, Tradie. He was cute, smart, funny and nice. We liked all the same things and since I was a tradie for 8 years before my current role we had a lot in common. We started talking every day, all day. Txts from when I woke up in the morning til I went to sleep at night. I had never met a guy that I could talk to that much without getting bored. For the first time in a long time I really started to open up to someone. Things were looking brighter and maybe I wasn’t going to have to take that trip to the pet store to buy my first of many cats.

We were both sickeningly keen on each other and decided we would meet that weekend for drinks. The next day he informed me that his cousins girlfriend had a party on that night and that he wanted to bring me rather than cancel our date. I agreed but said we should meet beforehand just to make sure we liked each other and so it would be less awkward.

We decided to meet at 6 at a pub just outside the city. The same pub where the party would be later that night. As I was getting ready and going through my first date rituals I started to feel violently sick, like something was really wrong but I assured myself it was just the nerves because I hadn’t liked someone this much in a very long time. But I still couldn’t shake the feeling that something bad was going to happen.

On my way into the city I got a txt saying that he had been in a car accident and he was going to be late. I told him we could reschedule but he told me to just go to the pub and he would be there as soon as he could. I went and grabbed a beer and waited. He arrived shortly after. He was very cute and very fit. I was kind of shocked because I had said how unfit I was and he said he was unfit too. This wasn’t the case at all and I became very self conscious. A few beers fixed that though. We started talking and things didn’t really flow as well as when we texted. It was quite strained and he also brought up his ex a bit which is a massive red flag for me.

It came time to go to the party and I told him that it was fine for him to go to the party without me and that I didn’t want to impose. He reassured me it wouldn’t be that bad and that only a couple of his friends would be there. I figured I shouldn’t bail so early anyway.

We met the birthday girl and were told there was a bar tab and to go make use of it. We had already had far too many beers but went to the bar for more. While waiting to be served, his friends arrived. As they approached my heart sank. One of his friends was a midget drag queen that used to work in a nightclub that I worked in years ago when I was 21. A lot of crazy crazy things happened in that night club. Most of which, I’m not exactly proud of. I knew there were so many stories that the midget could tell Tradie, I was horrified! At our first chance I took him away and quickly explained the situation. He was sweet about it and kept asking if I was alright. I wasn’t but I tried to put on a brave face. I ducked off to the toilets and when I returned Tradie informed me that the midget had told him that we used to date! I was furious. I remembered that the midget had also spread that rumour back when we used to work together and that was why I hated him!

I tried to play it cool but I was full of beer and getting angrier by the second. I jumped straight onto Facebook and twitter and sent out an SOS! I got a few replies but a girl I went to school with was actually down stairs in the pub so I went down and met her. I had a drink with her but the entire time I couldn’t stop thinking about the awkward situation upstairs. After a drink I decided to head back up stairs and talk to Tradie. I don’t know if I had given the fat midget drag queen time to tell more stories or if Tradie was pissed that I had left for a bit or if something else happened but I got back to an icy reception. I didn’t know what was going on but it was pissing me off. I took Tradie outside and asked what was up? He told me that it was just all the stuff that midget had said and that he wanted to go home and sober up and think about it all.

I saw red! I told him if he had to think about that lying sack of shits lies then not to bother and stormed out of the pub. I was so furious! As I walked back to the train station I could feel myself getting angrier and angrier. I fired off a few abusive texts but it didn’t help at all. I was tired of living in this small town with a gay community so small that your past always catches up with you, and to make things worse I was being crucified for something I had never even done!

I woke up the next morning full of regret and confusion. How did things turn so bad so fast? Why would I be so childish as to send abusive texts. Why do I keep putting myself through this bullshit? Do I even want a boyfriend if this is the kind of shit I have to go through? I had a lot to think about.

Ty Mail

i Ty!

I ran across your blog and believe you may be able to help me figure out how to help my friend. He is in a relationship of over 9 years, but in the end of last year his partner moved across the country for work. He is still going to school and has 6 months left, at which time he  is “supposed” to move to be with his partner. Well everything was okay until last night. He confided in me that he has been “dating” another guy for the past 4 months. He has spent several nights over at his house and even went on a weekend trip with him. Now he thinks he is “falling” for the new guy, I also learned that apparently the past 3 or 4 years of the relationship with his partner has been less than great in more ways than one.

-Reece

 
Hi Reece!  
Thanks for the mail! Love hearing from blog buddies!
Wow! Sounds like your friend has gotten himself into a pretty dramatic situation. At the end of the day, somebody is going to get hurt, pretty badly, and the situation is probably going to get a whole lot worse before it gets any better. My first piece of advice is for you. #1 Dont get involved. Situations like this generally seem to spiral out of control and you don’t want to be caught up in the middle of it when it all blows up in someones face. # 2 Be supportive. It sounds like your friend is being a bit of a dick and making a few bad decisions, but, we all make bad decisions from time to time, its part of being human. Dont hold it against him, Let him make his mistakes and when it all falls apart be there for him when he really needs you. I think part of being a good friend is knowing when to call someone on their bullshit and knowing when to let it slide. This is one that I would let slide. Your friend already knows he’s doing the wrong thing (although he may not admit it) and calling him out on it will just cause friction between you and him. He obviously has a lesson to learn out of this, so let him learn it and be the awesome friend that you know you are when he needs it. You obviously need to do whatever feels right for you but that is what I would do. 
Hope its helped.
-Ty x
 
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