I promiss one day I will stop writing blogs about feeling fat but today is not that day so here goes. So far through a combination of blogging about it and me overthinking the hell out of this topic I have established a few things.
- Exercise makes me happy. When I exercise I am better able to handle stress and generally happier as a person
- Eating shit makes me feel shit. When my diet is bad I feel lathargic and depressed
- Eating good makes me feel good. When my diet improves, my attitude and mood improve too.
- Being my current weight makes me unhappy and takes a lot of effort to undo all the unhappiness that the weight issues create
These aren’t things that sometimes happen or maybe happen. These are things that happen every time without fail. These are things that I know for sure. So knowing these things, one would think that the solution to these problems is easy. WRONG!
Let me run you through a typical morning, actually let me run you through my morning this morning! I lie in bed and the alarm goes off. “If I have a short shower I can sleep in 10 more mins” Hits snooze button “If I dont shave a I can snooze 10 more mins” Hits snooze button “If I dont iron my shirt I can snooze 10 more mins” Hits snooze button “If I skip breakfast I can snooze 10 more mins” Hits snooze button
I quickly launch out of bed and race around getting everything ready. I then run down the street like a crazy woman to get to the bus stop in time. (Hey at least im getting a solid 2 minutes of cardio in) I jump on the bus and my stomach starts grumbling. As I approach the train station I start the battle.
“I’ll get something from the train station cafe”
“No! They dont have anything healthy there”
“Alright, I will wait til I get to work…. wait theres no food at work, If I dont eat now I’m not going to eat til lunchtime”
“There is seriously no healthy food at that place, If you eat some bad food from there you are going to feel like shit! You know this!”
“But I’m so hungry!”
“You will regret it!!!”
“Fuck it! I dont care, I’m hungry and I don’t care if I am fat. It doesn’t even matter that much”
“You will regret it”
“I will start a diet tomorrow alright! That means I can eat whatever now.”
“Could I please get an Ice Coffee and a Muffin”
*Drinks Ice Coffee and eats muffin*
“I feel like shit”
“I fucking told you!!!!”
This little internal battle happens for me before every single meal. Im not a stupid person. I know what’s going to make me feel good and what’s going to make me feel bad so I can’t for the life of me figure out why I make a stupid choice every single time!
Does anyone else go through this? Or am I just absolutely crazy?