After surpressing the truth about who I was for so long I was in a bad place. I was drinking a lot, taking all sorts of drugs as well as anti depressants. I was doing anything I could to just numb all the feelings. I was growing more and more tired of fighting against everything that was going on in my head. I was tired of keeping secrets and living lies.
One night me and T decided to hit the clubs with a few other mates. T met this girl and we all went back to one of our mates places. We all ended up sitting around a table drinking beers and talking shit. The table goes quiet and the girl turns to me and says “So how long have you been gay for?” I almost shat my pants. I was speechless. Never in my life had anyone just called me out on my sexuallity. Still in shock and unable to speak I hear all my mates start saying “What the fuck are you talking about? Ty aint gay” I agreed with them and then they all really went in to bat for me. They all told this girl how far off she was. I was so happy that at least if I was falling apart on the inside that I must have been keeping up appearances on the outside.
That girl soon enough became part of our group and me and her became fairly close. I thought I had convinced her of my sexuality and everything was fine. Boy was I wrong! A few months later after a big night at the pub me and her ended up going home together just the two of us. We sat in the lounge room and chatted for a bit. It was about 1 in the morning and I had to be up at 5 for work so I said I better head to bed. As I got up she tackled me to the ground and said “I know your gay and I’m not letting you go to bed until you admit it”. I couldn’t believe it. I argued and denied it but she wasn’t having a bar of it. I was so tired and drunk and I guess I had been wanting to say something for a while so I finally blurted out “Im Bi”, pushed her off and charged to my bedroom.
Within a couple of days all our friends knew and everyone took it surprisingly well. I was so worried how T would take it as he was my best mate and the straightest man alive. He took it as good as the rest. I couldn’t believe it, I was finally free of all the bullshit. The more people found out the more I found out that nobody cared. I had put myself through years of tourment for nothing. I soon gained the courage to ditch the Bi tag and fully admitted I was gay. I was finally free to be me! I would go on to have many adventures in my new life as a gay man but they are stories for another day….
After loosing my virginity to a girl and feeling nothing I knew I was in some serious trouble. One of the biggest lines that I kept telling myself was that “As soon as I had sex with a girl everything would be ok”. I had done that and everything was not ok. Everything was terrible! I had tried everything and I couldn’t shake this stupid “Phase”. I had one last plan though and it was a big one.
I enrolled at the local college to become a bricklayer. In my mind if I could have some good male role models surely they would “set me straight”. If I spent all day every day with manly men surely it would rub off on me. Maybe it could increase my testosterone or something? It was a long shot but it was my last hope. I was determined to beat this thing at any cost.
At the college I made a few friends, one of them, T who is still one of my best mates today. It was good for me. I had to sit around and talk about beer and pussy and cars whether I liked it or not. After a few months there I moved onto my real test, my apprenticeship. If I could be one of the boys on the building site and fit in and work hard then surely that would beat the gay out of me. It had to.
About 6 months in to my apprenticeship I was on top of the world. I was a hard working man. I worked hard during the week, I went out with T and the boys on the weekends picking up chicks and I had even managed to start only watching straight porn. I had this thing beat! 6 long years but I had finally won my battle. I had cured my disease!
Everything was going great, I was finally living the life that I wanted to live. I had won. I had finally done what I had always wanted to do but I couldn’t shake this feeling. I couldn’t understand it. The feeling grew and grew and eventually I came to recognize that feeling. I was living a lie and the more I lived that lie the bigger that feeling grew. It grew into a depression and eventually grew into suicidal thoughts. That feeling took me to some very dark places but I wasn’t going to let it win. I had fought demons before, I wasn’t going to let this one get the better of me…..
Now that I knew I definitely wasn’t gay I started dating girls. If I thought about men while I jerked off but only dated women that totally meant I was straight…. Right? In my head it did. I had a couple of girlfriends that lasted a few weeks or so and one girl I would make out with every now and then. Every time it went to the bedroom I told myself and told them that I “Didn’t want to rush things, I wanted to take it slow”. Usually I would finger bash them til they got off and apparently I was quite good at it so it never really became a problem. Talk about wasted talents.
I thought it was all sorted but by this stage I was 18 and I still had my virginity or “my V plates” as my mates liked to call it. They would constantly give me shit about it to the point where it really started to bother me. When the jokes turned to suggestions that maybe I hadn’t had sex because I was gay, I knew I had to do something about it. I also figured that maybe it would fix everything and get me over this stupid phase that I was still going through.
Around the same time I met a nice english girl, she was friends with one of my mates girlfriends. She really seemed to liked me and I had a lot of fun hanging out with her. We started dating and things were going surprisingly well. A few weeks in we were going to meet everyone down the pub so I went around her house after work.
Warning: If you are a relative of mine, weak in the stomach or just don’t want to know details about my sex life then I suggest you skip the next part
We had a few drinks and then she pulled me into her bedroom. I thought I could work my magic and in no time we would be at the pub. We laid down facing each other making out for a bit. She grabbed my dick and started rubbing it against her bush. It felt weird. The next thing I knew she pushed it downwards and slipped it inside her pussy. I was shocked, I didn’t know what was going on. It was exciting, I was finally losing my virginity! After about 30 seconds her parents called out “Do you still want a lift to the pub?” and we had to stop.
We went to the pub and had a good night out with all our friends but we both had other things on our mind. We headed back to mine and were both keen to finish what we started. I pulled out a condom and put it on. We started missionary, it didn’t feel the best so I flipped her over and tried doggy style. I still felt nothing. I started to panic. All my mates talked about sex like it was the best thing on earth. I was finally doing it and I felt nothing. I felt dead inside. It wasn’t exciting at all. In fact it was boring me. This couldn’t be right? Maybe I was doing it wrong? Nope I was doing it right, but why did it feel so wrong?
I thrusted for a bit longer, let out a moan and pretended to orgasm. I quickly pulled out, threw the condom on the floor and lied down on my stomach with my hard on pressed up against me. I laid there with my mind racing. Maybe I wasn’t as straight as I thought? I was more confused than ever but one thing was for sure, I was going to have to dump that girl coz I sure as hell couldn’t go through that again……..
I had crawled back into my little closet and was fighting my own “War on Gay”. By the time I was 17 I was loosing dreadfully. I was chatting to guys in gay chatrooms, I was looking at gay porn, my favourite show was Queer as Folk. But I still wasn’t gay! No way! I may have been loosing the battle at the time but in my head I was eventually going to beat this. I was going to get married and have a wife and kids and 2 dogs. I was going to have the white picket fence dream and nothing was going to get in my way, especially this stupid little phase.
As I was succumbing to more and more gay influences I came up with this bright idea “If I try stuff with a guy I will definately know if I am gay or not”. I spent a lot of time online looking for someone. Now that I look back I am very lucky I didn’t get raped by some 45 year old man. I eventually found a guy. He was a few years older than me, he had blonde hair and green eyes. He was kind of short and had a small frame.
We arranged for him to meet me at the shops up the road from my house because you know, I couldn’t have a gay person come to my house! He drove a silver lancer. I saw the car and jumped in. I was excited and scared but mostly scared. He drove down to the beach as we might chit chat. I was so nervous I didn’t say much at all.
Warning: If you are a relative of mine, weak in the stomach or just don’t want to know details about my sex life then I suggest you skip this part
We arrived at the beach and went for a walk. We both knew what we were there for and walked up into the sand dunes. It was awkward as fuck! He leaned in for a kiss but I couldn’t kiss him because you know, that would be gay. He got down on his knees and undid my pants. He pulled my dick out from behind my boxers and started sucking on it. It felt good and after a bit we switched positions. I had some trouble undoing his belt but finally got it undone and pulled down his jocks which reavealed a surprisingly big fat cock. I sucked on it for a short time. I didn’t really know what I was doing and I’m sure it was awful for him. Pretty soon we both lied down in the sand and started to 69. We did that for a bit and eventually ended up both finishing ourselves off and blowing into the sand.
The very second I came I felt dirty, like a filthy filthy whore who had every std possible and who bathed regularly in a bath of diarrhea. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. He dropped me back to the shops and said he would like to see me again. That sure as hell wasn’t going to happen. I ran home shaking. I had never been so confused in my entire life. At least now I knew that I definitely wasn’t gay! Although I had given and received my first blowjob and partaken in my first 69 all before I had even had my first kiss….
After my realization I spent a good few years carrying my secret around and fighting against my “gayness”. I thought it was something that I could over come or a phase. I tried everything I could to “cure my disease”. One time I even tried only thinking about girls. I lasted for 2 weeks until I had a dream where there was a beautiful woman in a bikini and a man in board shorts, they were both tied to poles in the middle of the desert and I could only save one of them. Much to my disgust I saved the man and we rode into the sunset together. By this point I was about to start my final year of school and had been fighting my “illness” for a few years but it was a fight I was losing.
First day of the final year of High School rolled around. I met everyone on the steps at the front of the school where we would all usually hang out. We made our way to our classes and did the usual first day routine. At reccess I met my group of friends (mainly girls) at the same tree we had all sat by the year before. I couldn’t help but notice there was someone new with them. I was introduced to him. His name was Jason and he was from New Zealand. I was also told that he was gay.
I think I almost shat my pants. I didn’t know what to do or say. I had never met another gay person before, let alone one my age. My mind started racing, Would he be able to tell that I was gay too? I didn’t even know if I was gay but if I was, was there a way he could tell? How was he so comfortable with just telling everyone? Wasn’t he afraid of the bashings or consequences that would follow? I can’t remember talking much that day. My mind was racing far too fast and I still had a secret to protect.
Over the following months Jason was never teased or bullied, in fact, everyone loved him. I couldn’t believe it. The consequences that I had feared so hard didn’t seem to exist. By this time Jason and I had become friends and people started having their suspicions that I was gay too. Jason’s courage inspired me and I decided to start letting my secret out. I finally told him and a few of the girls in our group of friends.
As in every high school word started to spread. I noticed people looking at me differently or walking past whispering. It was all too much, I mean I didn’t even know if I was a gay. I didn’t want people to treat me differently for something that I might not even be! I quickly told everyone that it was all a big practical joke and that I definitely wasn’t gay. Looking back now I wonder how many people actually believed it.
I crawled back into my dark little closet and started my fight against gayness all over again. I wasn’t going to let it win this time and now I knew no matter what I definitely didn’t want to be gay!
Warning: If you are a relative of mine, weak in the stomach or just don’t want to know extremely personal details about me then I suggest you skip todays post
I often get asked “When did you know you were gay?” “How did you know you were gay?” Although this in no way covers it, this is the closest thing I can give to an answer.
At age 13 the worst thing ever happened….. Puberty. I started becoming curious about things and the feeling that I was different from all the other kids was growing and growing. My body was changing and I started thinking differently. I wanted to know everything about what was going on so I turned to the most reliable source of information….. The Internet. Ok, so maybe that was a bad choice but there was all these new things, dicks and boobs and fannys (ok maybe they aren’t so new) and I needed to know everything about them.
I was very interested in my own body. I had a million questions and wanted to know all the answers. Why did it feel funny when I touch my penis? Why did it seem to swell up sometimes? Was my penis a normal size? Would it grow bigger? What is a blow job? What does that feel like? I read and read and read. I also looked at pictures and something strange happened, I felt funny when I looked at them.
I printed off a few pictures and kept them in my bedroom. It was basically the olden days, we didn’t have iphones or videos or laptops. If you wanted to look at porn you had to look at pictures and even they took a long time to load and you didn’t want to leave that shit open for long incase you got caught so I made do with what we had.
I had this one picture that will be burned into my mind for the rest of my life. It was of this hot blonde girl with big tits sucking on this big fat dick. I started touching myself and for the first time ever I felt all funny like I was going to collapse and then white stuff started coming out of my penis. I didn’t know what was happening. I actually thought I might be dieing. I composed myself and stopped and thought “That happened when I was thinking about that dick, not when I was looking at those boobs” It felt like time froze for a minute and then the next thought “OH MY GOD, IM A GAYLORD!!!”
I didn’t really know what a gay was or anything about it, But I sure as hell was about to find out……
I started writing today and realised that I need to give the back story of how things had got to that point. The back story is a long dirty 2 years and how I even ended up in that situation has its own back story. Then that story has a back story so I figured there is no better place to start than right at the start. What follows is my story or what I like to call The GAYtest story ever told.
In 1984 a young couple in Perth, Western Australia gave birth to their first born son. This blond haired blue eyed boy with a cheeky smile was the poster boy for cute kids. People often ramrked “Oh Ty, Your going to break all the girls hearts when your older”. If only they knew how right they were. By age 7 I seemed to have the perfect childhood, A mum and dad who loved me, 2 younger brothers, a nice house with a pool and a dog that was just about to give birth to a litter of puppies. Life couldn’t get better.
By the end of that year my parents would be divorced. My 2 brothers and I would have to go live with my mum in some povo rental house with no pool, I didn’t know where my dad went and worst of all, my dog and all her puppies had to be taken to the pound! My mum let me have a cat at the new place but if I had realised how much of a shit trade off that was I probably would have never taken that deal. Seriously, who wants a cat?
My mum did a legendary job at being a single mum and within a few years bought her own place. Things weren’t bad there. I got a new dog and was also allowed to have almost a zoo full of new pets. We were on the outskirts and had large bushland area across the road. We built tree houses and bike tracks. We went sand boarding and climbing through caves.
It was a pretty amazing childhood once again but I couldn’t shake this feeling that I was different. My mum showed us how much she loved us through cooking for us and I had turned into the chubby kid. I was now also part of a single income family so I was also the poor kid. I thought maybe that’s what made me different but I was soon to find out that it was much more than that…..