Is My Celibacy Offensive?

The regular readers of will know that I havent had sex in over a year. After my relationship with the cowboy ended the last thing on my mind was sex. After a while I just got used to going without it. After even longer I felt revirginised and felt I should hold out til Mr Right came along. These days I dont even know why I am not doing it, maybe its a form of self torture, maybe its nerves, maybe I have over hyped it. I think the majority of my reason is that I am not 100% comfotable with my body at the moment, and its been so long that I’m kinda scared to get naked in front of someone, especially a stranger. I know I’m not disgusting or anything but I also know that my body is not at the point where I feel comfortable showing it off.

Whatever it is, when I’m chatting to guys I let them know pretty early on in the show that I havent been with anyone in a long time. I think it gives a good indicator of where I’m at and that they have 0% chance of hooking up if that is all they are looking for. The strange thing is that lately I have had a few weird reactions. A couple of guys have turned and said “Im a total slut compared to you” “You make me look like a whore” “Ok Mother Theresa”. They seem to take offense at my choice to not hook up, as if my choices reflect badly on them because they do. I in no way think that sleeping around is a bad thing. I totally get it, hey sometimes I even want to do it too. But I know myself well enough to know that right now that is not what I want. Maybe one day that will change, maybe one day soon. Until that day though I am going to stand strong and do what I beleive is best for me.

The thing that has got me thinking is that I’m a 27 year old grown ass man, I like to think that I know myself pretty well and that I have a decent amount of self confidence. That being said, even I am feeling the pressure to “join the darkside” to be like everyone else on grindr and manhunt. I can’t begin to imagine what it is like for young guys coming out onto the gay dating scene. What do you think? Are guys against celibacy? Is there a certain level of pressure to “be like everyone else” on these sites?


9 thoughts on “Is My Celibacy Offensive?

  1. If you want a relationship and you aren’t ready for one then you are doing the right thing, Ty. If you just aren’t ready to have sex then you are doing the right thing. The guy I dated last year. The one who is recently back in my life… when we split up I waited about a month and then thought maybe I just need to date and it will help get past what I am feeling. I wound meeting someone. We dated a couple of times and then I slept with him. It was horrible. I felt so much worse. I asked him to leave and then I cried. I liked the guy I just wasn’t ready. When you want to have sex you will but don’t pressure yourself.

  2. Oh, man. I hear ya.

    I broke up with my ex 2 years ago [we were together for 8.5 years] and I’ve had sex twice since then. I don’t feel comfortable an right having sex with a random…and god knows who else he’s slept with.

    Your posts always make me feel normal…thank you 🙂

  3. Your celibacy is NOT offensive. Recreational sex is simply not for everyone. Clearly, you’re mature enough to be honest with yourself.

    Remember … you can have a perfectly good orgasm by yourself but you need a partner to have a conversation and share a dream.

  4. Celibacy is not offensive, dear. Sure, many guys on those websites will be mainly looking for hookups, but not all gay folks are on manhunt or a4a! Perhaps those that just appear more often or are more outspoken are the ones that are pressuring others to get laid and get lucky once in a while without commitment. I’ve been pressured by people I met on bars to sleep with them, to have them lick my armpit, and other crazy things…but I knew that was not me. I’ve never had anal sex as a guy and I have never been in a relationship since I have not found the right guy with my standards. Sure, maybe I am really living as a Catholic monk, but at least I will not increase my chance of getting sexually transmitted infections and I still prefer to save sex for a meaningful and loving guy.

    I read blogs of other folks that write about their frequent sexual encounters, but the main message is that you need to be who you are. Some people might say that practice makes perfect, but you need to be happy for who you are because it can be tough and rough to imitate to live as someone else. The society and media portray these body images and lifestyle for people to be cool and feel accepted in communities, but those can be an extreme too. Think about Desperate Housewives. Are those housewives really happy in life?

    Lastly, continue loving yourself! Your body is fine, and would you want to love a guy who does not love you for who you are anyway? Not all gays would have six packs, and not everyone can be forever eighteen as well.

  5. This is an easy on Ty, the people that have an issue with you and your choices – fuck them! (metaphorically speaking)

    For starters, they guys carrying on like that are possibly partly lashing out because of their own self esteem issues, and the fact that someone with standards, values and self respect shows them what they lack. Of course the other possibility, they are just fuckwits and not worth the time.

    I get judged left right and centre, but the one thing I keep aiming for, and trying to remember, is to be a person I respect, to stay true to my values and who I am. Fortunately for me I have a great group of friends, and I am often hearing back good things, that they respect me and value me for exactly what I try to emulate. So in short – fuck the sluts, they are not worth worrying about, and just be you, and be true to what you believe

  6. The only right answer is: what feels right for you, is the right thing to do.

    Also, there is a perception that most gay men are promiscuous. In reality, most of my single gay friends don’t have any more random hook ups than my single straight friends.

    I have a feeling that the only difference between gay and straight men is that gay men are less secretive about their sex lives, which has created this myth that we are getting it every day of the week. In reality, most of my “dates” end in a handshake and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

  7. Sometimes I feel like a lot of sex and sometimes (for long periods) I feel like none. Our desires change. Does your profile on dating sites say you’re not looking for sex? Sometimes being direct in your profile can work as an idiot-filter. Using my handle “Bipolar Bear” on Scruff and Growlr has certainly worked in improving the quality of guys who talk to me. I can have actual conversations on there, not just guys who want to swap knob pics.

    1. I usually try to put something that gives a clear impression of what I’m looking for, unfortunately that doesn’t seem to stop the knob pics coming my way.

  8. I’m just out of an eleven year relationship and I’ve lost count of the number of people who seem to think I should be out there on the prowl. Heck, my ex asked me this weekend if I’ve “broken in my new bed yet” (we split in January and I just moved out less than a month ago… I decided not to ask if he’s “broken in” the bed we used to share because I don’t want to know).

    Be who you want to be. If you don’t want random meaningless sexual experiences, you don’t have to have them (I’ve poked around your blog-yeah, the attention on sites like Grindr and Adam4adam is flattering but the first time a guy sent me a pic of his manhood I think I reached for the eye drops!)

    The bottom line is this: do what you feel you want to do and the hell with anyone who says otherwise. If you want to be celibate, be celibate. If you decide one night that you want to screw around with a guy who chats you up online, that’s OK too. It doesn’t make you a hypocrite. it makes you human. Mr. Perfect may or may not be out there, but you will meet someone you like enough to make it all OK. If that makes me a hopeless romantic … well, at least I know there’s another one out there somewhere 🙂

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