Todays post is really simple, cant really say much to add to this
The other day I wrote a blog about being gay and it not being a choice. In there I wrote about how it is harder to find a partner. Some idiot decided to tell me that it’s not harder. So today I’m here to prove them wrong. With maths! Exciting right?…. Ok just stick with me.
Let’s say the entire population is 100%. 50% male, 50% female. I’m already down to 50%. Most study’s agree that between 2 and 3 percent of males are gay. So that makes 1.5% of the population gay males.
Let’s say I agreed to date anywhere from 7 years younger than me to 7 years older. That’s 17% of the population. So now gay males in my age bracket are 0.08%.
I, like most people don’t find every single person attractive. So let’s factor in some standards. Let’s say I find 1 in 10 people attractive (which I don’t think is high standards by any means) that’s 10% of the population. So, gay men in my age bracket that I would be attracted to are 0.008% of the population.
But we all know not everyone out there is completely normal. There are liars, cheats and deadbeats. There are guys with too much baggage and guys that are just down right crazy. I’m going to be kind at this point and say 25% would fall into this category (if you have ever been on grindr you will know its a lot higher than that). So we are now down to 0.006%
You may have 0.006% to like but not everyone is going to like you back. Depending on how you look, how much baggage you have and how well you hide your own crazy you could have anywhere for 1% to 99% of guy like you back. For the sake of completing this article, I would say if half the dates you went on the guy liked you back then you are doing pretty well. So let’s go with half which makes it 0.003%
So unless you date someone a lot older or a lot younger, date someone you don’t find attractive, date someone who is crazy or try to pursue something thats one sided, You have 0.003% chance of meeting someone.
So next time someone gets up in your grill about who your dating, your lack of dating or anything to do with your love life tell them to BACK THE FUCK OFF, because I think whatever you are doing, you are doing the best with the 0.003% you were given.
I wouldn’t choose this!
If I could choose my sexuality I would choose to be straight.
I mean sure, being gay does have its advantages. If your gay there is a higher chance of you committing suicide, there’s also higher rates of mental illness and drug addiction. If that’s not enough to make you choose to be gay we also have a much higher risk of contracting HIV, getting AIDS and dying! Awesome right?
If that’s not enough of a reason to choose to be gay here are some more awesome reasons to be gay:
You can get discriminated against, that’s right! Complete fucking strangers can hate you for no reason at all!
In most places, You can’t marry the person you love! No need to waste your money on an expensive wedding because YOU can’t have one!
You can’t have kids! Who wants a family anyway?
It is far harder for you to find a partner so instead of a fulfilling relationship, theres a higher chance that you get to spend the rest of your life alone! How exciting!
Anyone who thinks I chose this is a complete fucking idiot!!
I am who I am and I accept my sexuality 100% but this was never ever a choice. If I had a choice, I wouldn’t choose this.
You know that Rolling Stones song You cant always get what you want….. “You cant always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need”. The song is running through my head because it pretty much sums up the experience I just had.
On the weekend I had a party at my place, it was a pretty rockin party if I do say so myself. It ended up being an all nighter and when the last of my friends left at 8 in the morning I was feeling very fragile. I climbed in to bed but was unable to sleep. I was so appreciative that I have such awesome friends and had such a good time but I couldnt shake the feeling that I just wanted someone to hold me while I was in such a fragile state. This also co-incided with my 1 year anniversary of no sex and with no sleep I wasnt exactly thinking the clearest. I decided that enough was enough, and I was going to end the no sex drought at any cost.
I thought about it and decided that if I was going to do this it should at least be with someone that I know. I messaged a friend of mine and asked him to come around. He ended up bailing which was probably a good thing. So I jumped straight back onto Grindr. I started messaging anyone that I thought was good looking. I became that dirty guy that trawls for sex on grindr (not exactly my proudest moment). I dont know weather it was bad luck, if I came across too keen, if I was saying the wrong things or if it was devine intervention! Whatever it was, I couldnt get anyone to come over to my place. I ended up going to sleep alone.
I woke up this morning and decided oh well, I already dropped my standards. I already became “That Guy”, the guy I always said I would never ever turn into. I felt defeated, I felt like all hope was lost and maybe this is what I should be from now on. I was reduced to being a sad internet sex trawler and even worse, I wasnt even good at it because I still couldnt even get sex!
Then this morning I was sitting in my office minding my own business. A few weeks ago, a new gay guy started at work. He’s older but he’s very good looking. We have crossed paths a couple of times but never really had a chance to chat. Then today he came up and knocked on my door, we started chatting and getting to know each other. What happened next was one of those moments that makes you think there has to be a greater power or destiny or something.
I guess as an older gay he felt like he needed to give me some advice and I’m glad he did. He turned to me and said “No matter what you do, don’t give up your morals, I know it’s hard but never give up hope because there are other good gay people out there”. It was exactly what I needed to hear at that moment. This weekend I didn’t get what I want, but today I got what I need.
The other day I was lying on the couch channel surfing through boring weekend TV. I eventually stumbled on to a show called Excess Baggage. For anyone who hasnt seen it, they basically get a whole bunch of fat celebrities and a whole bunch of fat everyday australians and they pair them up and make them loose weight together. I was fairly hungover and feeling very fragile so this was perfect viewing for me.
The scene I had tuned in to the trainer had them running up and down a beach. There was this one woman who is a comedian in australia and she was screaming at the trainer “just go away” “Leave me alone” and the trainer turned to her and said “No matter what happens I’m not going to leave you, Im going to stick by you through this”. This woman burst into tears, like an uncontrolable ugly cry. It then cut away to a package about her talking about how her dad left when she was 5 and she has had issues her whole life that people would leave her and that she thinks that has a lot to do with her weight. A year ago I would have said that is absolute crap. Your dad leaving when you were 5 doesnt make you scoff down 5 cheeseburgers when no body is looking!
A year ago it was my brothers 21st and we were going through all the old photo albums having a laugh. I was saying “Woah look how skinny I was when I was young!” Everyone was like “Yeah, What happened?”. I was curious, so I started flipping through the photos which where in chronological order to pin point the exact moment when I started to blow out. There was a very clear moment when it happened. 4 = skinny, 5 = skinny, 6 skinny, 7 = skinny, 8 = super huge chubby fat kid! So what happened between 7 and 8? My parents got divorced….. I always thought I handled there divorce well for the age I was but the photographic evidence proved that quite clearly I was eating my feelings!
I cant sit here and blame me being fat now on my parents getting divorced when I was 7. That would be ridiculous. What I am saying though is that I established a pattern of eating my feelings at such an early age and created a lifetime of bad habits. I know that part of my pursuit of happiness is finding a healthier me. What I am starting to realize is that these bad habits and issues causing my weight problems are far deeper ingrained in me than I ever imagined.
Has anybody else had this sort of realisation? What have you done to overcome it?
I wrote a blog today and it made me feel like shit. It was about my weight and about being set up wit a fat guy. I wasn’t really honest about how I feel about my weight and even worse, I was kind of mean about the other guy. I didn’t feel like I got anything off my chest, I didn’t feel like I wrote something other people could relate to. I just felt like I was being mean. In all honesty I think I was just deflecting my feelings about my own weight onto him.
For those of you that have been following my journey for a while now you will know that I started a series of videos on my YouTube channel called “coming out of the pantry” last year. It started off with me taking my shirt off on YouTube and then followed up a few weeks later with me talking about how I lost some weight. Then all of a sudden the videos stopped. Two things happened. 1, my computer crashed and I couldn’t make videos any more. 2, I gave up on the diet, gained all the weight back and pretended like the videos never even happened. To be honest, at times I have considered deleting them.
Then I started blogging strictly about gay issues and gay dating. For anyone who hasn’t been following my dating stories, my love life is less like a romantic comedy and more like a horror movie! Over the past few months I have had tragic date after tragic date, horror story after horror story. In recent blogs I have discovered that my pursuit of happiness is far more important than my pursuit of a relationship. I have also realized that pursuing a relationship is pointless unless I have found my own happiness first.
So today I realized that I had 2 choices. I can continue to avoid my problems, continue to make fun of weirdos I meet on grindr and make out like none of it is my fault. Or I can start a new path, one where I am more honest and upfront with all you guys, where I confront my issues instead of hiding from them and where I try to grow, learn and change in the pursuit of happiness.
I hope your all still interested in reading and if worst comes to worst I can always go back to tragic dating stories!
I mentioned a few weeks ago that I have moved back into my own house. Although I’m not sure if I mentioned that I now have a gay neighbour. He is an awesome dude and we have even hung out a couple of times. Its nice to have a gay friend so close by. About a week ago he had some friends over and he invited me over to meet them all. My neighbour and his friends are all at least 5 years younger than me so I felt a little old. One of them turned to me and said “Our friend P would be perfect for you, hes your age”. Despite the blow to my ego by feeling incredibly old, I was kinda interested. Who am I kidding? Its been a year since I last had sex, I was super interested!
They told me P’s full name and told me to add him on facebook. I told them that I don’t just add random people to my facebook so they added me and then told him to add me. He did quite quickly and we started to chat. Immediately I checked his profile pic and I couldnt help but notice he was a slightly larger. I’m quite big too so I didnt want to judge but I shot a message to my neighbours friend “Hey, this guy your trying to set me up with, is he quite big?” I got a reply straight back “No, you guys are like the same build”. I was relieved.
I kept chatting to P and decided to stalk his photos. I couldnt beleive what I saw. He was huge. Not even a Mc Large, this guy was Super Size! I sat there in shock and all that kept going through my head was “No, you guys are like the same build”. I was so insulted. This guy was at least 30 kgs heavier than me. I couldnt beleive that somebody had met me and thought that I was also that size. What had I done? How far had I let myself go if I was now comparable to this? Was I actually that size and just living in denial. The onslaught of horrible depressing thoughts would not stop. I kept talking to P but started to make it clear that I wasnt interested in that way. Maybe this is the wake up call I needed? Maybe I am living in denial. Whatever the case I know it is time to face this, I cant hide from it any longer.